Fed up with being told I’m not good enough

[Notenough25]

Just that really.

My 7 year old tells me I don’t do enough with him. My partner tells me I spend too long with him, on bedtime, playing etc.

I know I should spend more time with my baby, I feel I do the bare minimum. My childminder (1 day a week) has asked me to make progress with weaning.

My partner tells me I don’t put enough into our relationship.

My self-employed business is not making enough money and I need to put more into it. It keeps the roof over our head, Accountant, suppliers, HmRC all need me to do more.

I don’t get enough housework done. I need to visit my family more. I need to help with homework. The list feels endless.

Everyone wants a bit more of me. I’m not good enough for anyone.

I assume your partner is not the kids dad? In which case I would bin him off given how unsupportive he is, and focus on yourself and your children.

You are good enough OP - like many mothers you are juggling a lot. I think this "not good enough" is a common feeling.

If your P isn't being supportive of you, you might be better off without him especially as it sounds like you are the breadwinner?

Kids grow up so quickly - mine are teens now 13 & 17. I don't regret a single minute I spent with them when they were young. They move from being quite independent to not wanting to spend much time with you very quickly. Enjoy time with your kids while they are young.

You are enough and you are doing the best you can under very demanding circumstances. If you can make better choices make them. If you can't you can't - remind yourself you are making the best decisions you can right now. It will be OK.

You need to reprogram your thinking. You're repeating a very negative message to yourself over and over, which in time will lead you to a self fulfilling prophecy.

Change your mindset from everyone is against me to I can only do so much.

That's a lot on your plate. I bet you're doing ok given all that. How much help do you get? Especially from partner? And echoing the question about him as dad - is he the baby's father but not the 7 yo?

He is the father of both children, we have been together 12 years.

Partner’s problem is we don’t have sex enough. And I don’t behave like I did 12 years ago when we first met, ie not ready to have sex at any opportunity because there’s kids, food delivery expected, stuff to do etc. and he just keeps on at me! I’m glad to know he still wants sex with me but I find the constant comparisons to how I used to be and criticisms of how I spend my time too much.

In that case, what is he doing to step up and do his fare share with the kids and the house so you have more time available?

Right darling partner. Here is the list of what I achieve in a day with approximate times. Which of these do you want to take over in order for me to spend more time with you?
Darling son, I would love to spend more time playing with you. Why don't you write a list of things you and I could do? Put each one on a separate bit of paper in a bottle and we'll pull one out once a day/week/weekend
Of course, work is off the agenda as I bring home the lion's share of the income to this family.
Dear childminder, absolutely I will think about weaning. I'm in favour of BLW. How will you support my child with that?
Tell them to feck off.

Oh dear! I'm afraid this is motherhood. We beat ourselves up way too much. So much guilt.
The pressure we put on ourselves is so sad.
I think we all do it, to an extent.
I was a sp for years and it felt like I was just going through the motions, work, cooking, ironing, cleaning, tidying, shopping. I don't think I got much pleasure from my young boys tbh. That still bothers me 20 oddyrs later but there's nothing else/more I could have done.
It will get better and YOU are good enough, you are enough 💛
Ps
I hope dh is doing his bit as well
🫂 x

You are definitely enough OP!

Sounds to me like you need some practical help to organise and compartmentalise your life.

One night a week date night. Kids in bed, get a takeaway or cook something nice to share together and just talk. And then have an early night?! Could also go out for dinner if you can get a sitter?
Organise housework chores with DP do one thing a day/evening and try to leave, say Sunday as chore free apart from normal food cooking etc.
Can you put one evening or afternoon a week aside for your business paperwork to keep on top of things?
Say thanks childminder, do feel free to give me a few tips that would help?!
Do you share bedtime routines? Do you read a story and then leave them to sleep or do you spend more time than you really need to, avoiding DP possibly?
Theres lots you can do to organise things better OP but your DP also needs to step up and take some responsibility too!

It's because women are told they can do everything. Which sounds nice but really just means even more workload. It's not possible to do everything 100% when you have that much on.

Surprise surprise, it's about sex

Why does your childminder get to have an opinion on your weaning schedule?

Oh for goodness sake, this is the second post today like this!!
You are not the problem op.
Your 'partner' who is a partner in zero sense of the word, is entirely the problem.
What does he contribute to your lives?
I assume he also puts in 50% in to the children and housework since you're equally responsible for that?

Does your partner work? You say you are self employed and it keeps the roof over your heads

This. Your useless manchild needs to step up and earn more, do more with his children, and do more around the house. Maybe then you'll find him a bit more attractive.
And tell your childminder (who is employed by you, not the other way round) to mind her business.

Let them. Let them all think and say what they want. Then respond with what will work best for you. (I don't want to give you another job to do, but I would highly recommend The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins.)

Yes he works full time on minimum wage.

Sack the childminder and find another one who respects your parenting choices.

I knew that “you do not prioritise our relationship” was oh so subtle man code (not) for “I want more sex”. Worse than that “I want more sex even if you don’t and I’ll whine and sulk Until I get it. Ugh.

What’s he doing to lighten your load op?

And fwiw I think it sounds like you are doing bloody marvellously!

Sack your partner and your childminder - that'll be a lot less work.

Put baby in nursery or get another childminder.

None of us behave as we did 12 years ago & ready for sex at the drop of the hat. It seems that he's no longer the person that he was 12 years ago either - we all change as we get older, relationships change with children and as they mature.

I've been married 3 times, 1st DH & me had sex about 2-3 times a week, but he died when we were 28, 2nd XH & me had sex about once a month (but that was a poisonous relationship which is why he's my XH), my 3rd (and last) DH had sex pretty-much every day for the 1st 18 months or so, but now has settled into about 2-3 times a month - but when we do WOW! I would go for quality over quantity every time, it's the best sex I've ever had. We sometimes go 'for a lie down' in the afternoon, and some evenings I may have a bath & 'appear' wearing something sexy, but never any pressure.

As for your childminder - as PP say, you are her employer, what you decide to do with weaning your child is your decision not her's. Don't let her pressure you. There is some evidence that weaning too early is harmful for your child.

I'd start mentioning how unattractive it is when a man try's to pressure a women to have sex and complains she spends time with her kids. You wish he was more like he was 12 years ago when you first met.

You're hardly likely to behave like you did 12 years ago - you've got 2 kids and a job and all the paraphernalia that comes with that. What does your partner do to prioritise you? I would tell him that if he wants you to be in the mood for sex, he needs to do his fair share of looking after the kids, cooking/cleaning/laundry, helping with homework and generally giving you a chance to have a bit of time for yourself to relax and recharge your batteries! You are good enough and you are not letting anyone down - you just need to share the load more.