Should ex’s family contact my DD like this?!

[Orangeandgold]

I have a daughter - she’s 12.

I split from her dad a very long time ago - he was verbally and financially abusive and wouldn’t get a job. We haven’t seen him since the pandemic. But every now and then he will text my daughter.

I’ve filed for CMS - I’ve not received a penny! I’ve reported him and still nothing!

It seems as if my ex hasn’t got his life together (til this day!) as my daughter has received multiple messages from over 4 “aunties” from his side of the family. One of them have told her that they would like to meet up to discuss a plan for getting her dad back “on track”. One of them are reminding her to call them when she gets a chance.

I have never met any of these aunties in all of the years I’ve known his side of the family (bar one - but she seems respectful enough to go through me to speak to my daughter).

This is more of a “what would you do?”

AIBU in thinking that this is just wrong! How can so many adults emotionally burden a child/teen with the actions of her father who has had a decade to get himself together but clearly isn’t capable to.

What do they expect her to do about it!

Block them. They shouldn’t be guilt tripping your DD into feeling she owes her dad her help which is what they are going. It’s so wrong and could cause her all kinds of misplaced guilt, anxiety, etc.

If you were feeling very generous in nature you could message them form her phoen first saying please do not contact DD directly and give them your number then block them off your DDs phone. Then they’d have a way to contact you directly. But I wouldn’t do this. Are they actual siblings of your ex?

It’s really inappropriate. They are adults. If they can’t get it together to get her dad back on track, how is a 12 year old mature enough to carry that burden? It’s parentification of a child, which is very common in dysfunctional families. I would contact them and explain that it’s inappropriate of them to be contacting her for anything other than maintaining their own relationship with her (which sounds like the don’t have!) and that they need to come via you to contact her in the future. And block them all.

How are they contacting her? Through SM?

Agree they should be blocked.

Absolutely not ok for them to do this @Orangeandgold I think as others have said - message them your number, remove the details and block on DD’s phone.

How are they contacting her? Do they have her phone number? Or are they messaging her on social media? Has she friended them on social media?

If she has friended them on social media, presumably they're going to assume it's OK to message her because friending them is an indication that she wants to talk to them.

If she hasn't friended them, but her social media settings allow non-friends to message her, then you really need to keep a closer eye on her online safety because no 12-year-old should ever have social media accounts that are open to allow people she hasn't friended to message her.

If they have her phone number, you need to make sure they're all blocked. Block them on her social media too, obviously, but also wise up to online safety. Make sure your daughter isn't friending people all over the place and make sure she can't receive messages from non-friends. She's 12 - she's not even old enough to have social media accounts under the terms of most platforms.

I'd reply on your DDs behalf and say she is not responsible for getting her Dad back on track. Then block them and let your DD know to let you know if more reach-outs happen.

I would reply on your phone to say you have seen their messages, that it is not anyone's responsibility for getting your ex back on track, other than the ex himself. That it is not appropriate to contact a child & that you don't see any reason in the foreseeable future for them to be in contact, but should they need to, then to contact you directly.

No. It's basic phone safety to restrict who can talk directly to your children, and who comes through you.

The only adults who can talk directly to my children on their devices are me and my ex, and my parents (who've looked after the kids while I was away for work, so needed to be able to contact them to organise school pickup meeting spot etc). I require oversight of everyone else.

I was livid when ex's girlfriend messaged them, asking for pictures of them, and asking them to keep it secret. It's entirely inappropriate - just like expecting your child to help get her dad 'back on track'

PS/ and then I would block their numbers off your daughters phone and any social media she may have

And yes, lock it all down - whitelist rather than black list where you can (ie. only people you explicitly allow can contact)

I have a relationship with my niece even though my brother is an absolute idiot, I'm delighted her mother let's me see her and she loves going out with me, we NEVER discuss my brother though, what are the sisters like, they could genuinely want to have a relationship with her but lay the ground rules, no mention of your ex or the visits stop. Ask your daughter what she thinks?

Not appropriate at all for them to discuss getting an adult "back on track" with a child. They obviously can't be trusted to have unmonitored contact with your DD, so block them on her phone and tell them to contact you instead. Your DD is already unlucky enough to have a dead loss for a father who contributes nothing to her life, it's beyond unacceptable that she should be made to feel that she owes him anything or is in any way responsible for him. It would make me quite angry actually, in your position.

@WindIsSwirlling They arnt even his siblings - they are his parents siblings!! So they really should know better (or maybe not if they are set in their ways) - I think his parents are giving out her number as they’ve been trying to get us back together (in doing so they thought I could fix him) but since I haven’t budged it seems his parents are getting others involved and trying to go through my DD.

They also live quite far.

@fairycakes1234 I think she is overwhelmed by it although she’s acting cool about it. She hasn’t put it into feelings - she just tells me what they’ve said - it’s hard because he has promised visits and has let her down so I know that she doesn’t take him seriously - but I have told her that she is not responsible for helping her dad - he is the adult who should be there for her - not the other way around.

When she’s back from school I will be going through her phone and doing the blacklist/whitelist