To tell my Mum she fat shamed me ?

[Twiceasnice25]

In a bit of a dilemma 😕

Started mounjaro in Jan as have several (4) stone to lose. Speak to my Mum almost every day and finally told her last week.

She is slim, never had any issues with weight for context but always watches what she eats.

When I told her, admittedly I think she had had a few drinks her response quite upset me.

She said she could now get some photos of me out to put on display, as at the moment I was twice the size I used to be, she didn't understand why I had got so big and she noticed at Xmas I had a plate of chips for dinner one night, these amongst other comments upset me a bit

I've been a bit distant the last week and she wants to know if everything is OK, am I honest with her? I know if I am she will get upset and there will be drama!

AIBU to be upset or do I shrug it off?

First of all, well done for making a start on your weight loss journey OP. I must admit, that I too would have been devastated if my Mum had said anything like that to me, but thankfully mine was always encouraging. I was going to say that I think you have two choices here, but really, as it's your own Mum, I think the only choice you have is to tackle her about what she said, and tell her how hurt you were by her comments. The other thing I WAS going to say, was to withdraw a bit, but in all honesty, if she doesn't see you for a while, and then when she does you've lost a load of weight, she'll just go on and on about it, which is likely to upset you again. So in your shoes, I would be telling her how upset you are, and making her face her rudeness.

“Do you remember what you said the other night, because I thought it was really unkind.”

I would be honest but I am someone that would have confronted her as soon as she had said it.

Christ OP that’s awful, I’d also be very upset by that and would have to say something. Rude cow😡. Why do so many mums think it’s ok to say this sort of shit to their daughters!

I’m sorry.

Our daughter has always been overweight. Genetics, I think. Both sides of the family have historically been large. I bucked the trend but with concerted effort.

My husband and I have always told her that she is beautiful. Because she is. We’ve also discussed the family weight problem. It’s important but purely from a health perspective.

She's now mum herself to a fantastic 4 year old. By herself, she has come to the conclusion that to be healthy is the very best thing that she can do for her child going forward. So, she has taken sensible measures to address her health, with the full support of her husband (whilst working and studying for a degree, to boot).

She has lost more than half of the weight that she needed to and has reduced from morbidly obese to overweight. She is determined to reach healthy weight.

We are so pleased for and proud of her determination.

Ive given you that backstory - sorry 🤣- to make the most important point for us.

We have always, always been proud of our fantastic daughter and would never have had your mum’s thoughts or opinions.

Taking charge of her health is yet another reason to admire her.

Had she not, our house would still be fit to bursting with photos of her.

Thanks everyone, I will say something.next time she asks what's wrong
I'm very sensitive about my weight so didn't say anything at the time!

You say she's had a few drinks, if that's her norm shame her back over that. See how she likes it.

Maybe she is just concerned about your health and wants to say something to help

Wow that's really harsh

It sounds like she's concerned about your health and why you've gained weight. I do think it was insensitive though and clearly not helpful. I'd probably say mum, you mentioned my weight. Thanks for your concern but I am managing it as best as I can, I do not want to discuss this, please don't mention it again.

On what planet is telling someone they can finally display photos of them if they’ve lost weight, helpful? Being concerned for someone’s health has nothing to do with whether you’re happy displaying photos of their overweight body.

Sorry i know it's a sensitive issue. I'm just saying if you watch someone you love get into unhealthy habits eg addiction (which is what overeating is) you would be inclined to say/do something. The way you go about it might not be appreciated of course. I don't know your mum but perhaps her heart is in the right place?

Oh op. Much sympathy

I too have a mother who has never been overweight. I have always been. She is overall a wonderful mother and I know she loves me very much.

I have had a life time of her telling me I am pretty despite my weight, giving me slimming tips, passing on comments from others (when I once lost a chunk of lard - 'ohh your brother is so proud of you. He was worried about how much you'd put on'. After a year of fertility issues and losses).

She wants me to be well and healthy and thinks this helps. She was 100% raised in a period where she was judged by her looks. She wants me to be happy. So she doesn't clock what she's saying as potentially hurtful. It's shit but meh. She isn't going to change.

That said, she once said something off hand re my weight in front of my very feisty teenage daughter. My daughter asked her why she said what she did and didn't she think it was mean. My mum was genuinely taken aback, apologised and tried to moderate comments going forward. Mixed success but she does try.

So I think you should tell her it hurt your feelings but also know it's not malicious just thoughtless (if that's generally the case of course).

Thanks, I know she loves me, the comments about the photos however really upset me, I felt like she was ashamed of having an over weight daughter , and I suspect now she is !

The OP said finally get some photos out. I took this as old ones and she meant it in the sense that it upsets her to see the comparison.

The thing is you aren't happy with your weight either or you wouldn't be doing this. I'd be really upset if my children were significantly overweight, not because I'd love them less but because I'd know life is harder for them and it would likely make them unhappy (I caveat this with not for everyone but I think most people prefer not to be significantly overweight and if there was a magic solution would take it).

I think that if you are not an over eater and don't derive comfort or pleasure from it then it's hard to understand why people do it and she feels frustrated seeing you unhappy about something but also making bad food choices. It's a bit like the friend desperately seeking love with all the wrong people.

I don't fully understand the term fat shame. Someone else can't shame you if you don't feel it yourself. If you were proud of your weight or it caused you no health issues then you'd not be on WLI.

I think she's expressed it badly but she is pleased you will be getting back to the you she has always seen.

My youngest is overweight. We’re not sure why, we’re looking into it. I feel sad he is self conscious and I want to help him be healthier but fuck me, if I ever told him I could now finally display photos of him, or that I’d seen him be a greedy glutton, eating a plate of chips, I’d be thoroughly ashamed of myself. That’s not concern for someone’s health. It’s not helping that person in any way, shape or form. They know they’re overweight, they don’t need it pointing out.