Is she being honest about gambling?

[Conboy]

I came home from work today and there were a few opened letter on the kitchen island. I seen one was from the national lottery which peaked my interest and will admit I read it (hoping it was something about a big win!) and was horrified to see it was a letter to my wife saying that they had recently emailed her advising that they have concerns about the amount of instant win online games she was playing. They were writing to say that due to their concerns, they would suspend her account or permanently ban her if it continue.

I asked her about it, of course she was angry that I had read her mail. We have separate personal bank accounts where our wages get paid and then transfer a % to the joint account to cover bills and savings so I had no idea she was spending money on this and no idea how much.

She said she sometimes sticks a tenner in and uses that and has won £50 here and there but spends it all once it’s won. I don’t believe that the national lottery would have concerns or ban someone spending the amount she claims. I think she is being dishonest with me.

Does anyone have any experience of this and have an idea of how much a person needs to spend in order for them to raise concerns?

I know I’ll get flamed for reading this letter and do hold my hands up. But it hurts to know that she may be hiding a gambling problem and spending lots of money on something when we have been trying to save for a family home

I would be concerned too. It won’t be the odd tenner here and there, not to justify a letter.

I would be suspicious too. Gamblers lie and the letter is likely genuine if her first response was to be angry and admit it wasn't much she's spending. I would be very worried she's spending significant amounts gambling online and unfortunately it's probably not just on the lottery games.

I agree, I am worried that she’s spending hundreds or worse on these games in order to receive a letter. I’m hoping someone who has experience of this might be able to give me an idea of how much triggers a letter.

Would I be unreasonable to ask to see her bank statement?

It will be at least hundreds. I've had to check my own instant win spending a few times and it's never triggered a letter.

Thanks for sharing. When you say hundreds, are we talking hundreds in one day? A week? A month?

I suspect its patterns of gambling rather than just amounts which triggers a letter.

I think you have to acknowledge you had no right to read her mail but equally she has no right to conceal a gambling problem from you.

I would request and offer full financial transparency but do be aware that she may have accounts you know nothing about and is unlikely to reveal them just because you ask.

The most important thing to understand is that gambling is an addiction. Lying is part and parcel of that. The only people I know who have had a gambling addiction have financially ruined their families. If you have joint accounts I would make sure that they are set up so that joint permission is required for access.

Whatever you do you must protect your own financial health until you are confident she can be trusted.

IF it is an addiction your relationship is unlikely to survive long term. There will only be so many times you can bail her out for her to break promises again.

I hope I'm wrong but if I'm not then I'm sorry for both of you.

If you're worried about her gambling check out the National Gambling Helpline. It's 24/7 and they can give you confidential advice and support over phone or live chat. She doesnt have to know you called. www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/talk-to-us-now/

The only people I know who have had a gambling addiction have financially ruined their families.

I would echo this statement. Unfortunately it's likely to be much worse than you anticipate and she's probably gambled much more than you think for the letter to have been sent.

A quick Google shows the lottery suspended the account of a man spending £500 a week online

For them to have contacted her then her spending sure as hell isn't a few tenners. Realistically you're probably looking at hundreds a week.

You need a serious conversation. You opening her letter is the least of your worries

No way, it will be a lot more.
You can go on to the account and see game play history so you'd find out straight away

Thank you, I’m glad I posted as I hadn’t even thought of this. I will request this too.

@CallMeFlo thank you, I did try googling but didn’t get far. I feel sick at the thought of it possibly being as much as that.

Thanks for all your replies. I do agree that gambling addictions ruin families. Unfortunately my sisters DH had a gambling addiction and lost £20k savings

Mine was hundreds over the month but never for more than a month in close succession so I might not have triggered their behaviour analytics software.

If you can get into the national lottery account it will tell you how much she's spent in the last month

The biggest gambler I know wishes he had only lost 20K. All added up it came to almost 400K and then they lost the house too. It's an evil disease.

It will be a lot OP, not the odd tenner and her spending the wins. You need to check her game history.

Prepare for her to accuse you of being controlling, of being abusive, of having no right to look at her spending. She’ll say it’s none of your business.

it is your business

I’ve written at length before about my Compulsive Gambling addiction. I stop 5 years ago, and have never gone back. Hid it from my husband, until I couldn’t, we worked through it. So people can be reformed - but only if you want, and you have to want to.

The thing that saved me was registering on Gamstop - blocks you on all gambling sites, it’s great.

I agree @ExtraOnions . I too gambled thousands and haven't in years.

I would be concerned she is also playing with the online operators. Can she register with Gamcare to block her access to gambling software? It's an evil industry IMO.

www.gamcare.org.uk

Sorry gamstop is the self exclusion tool and gamcare can provide support.

I agree with everyone else. It’s going to be alot more than she’s admitting.
FWIW this is why I never do their instant games, - or any kind of gambling save for the national lottery on a DD - can just feel that I’d get hooked and spend too much.

Their system flags users who are at risk of playing excessively, or who are already playing excessively. It’s not just about the amount of money spent, it’s also about your habits.

So if you were putting in large amounts of money every week then you’d get flagged.

It could also be habits though, so even smaller amounts of money can get you flagged. As an example you could put £100 a week into your account in 1 transaction and not get flagged, but if you put £10 into your account 10 times in one day then you could get flagged because it shows you’re chasing your losses and suggests uncontrolled gambling, adding more and more, despite it being £100 in both instances.

They are not flagging anyone for the odd tenner here and there, it’s more than that.

This is their consumer protection strategy.

https://www.national-lottery.co.uk/responsible-play/consumer-protection-strategy

I’d expect it to be lots more than hundreds to get a letter.. you could maybe call and ask at what threshold they send out letters?? Might give you a clue. I’m sorry.. I feel this won’t end well and it’s likely she has a gambling addiction. It is epidemic in the UK and so so addictive.. happens to so many people. You could try and talk to her and explain you will help her etc and see if she will let you ‘in’. You’ll need proof of what she’s telling you because many gamblers are also great liars..