To ask for help with combatting loneliness

[HannahsSpanner]

Can anyone offer tips on how to cope with loneliness?

On paper, my life seems great. I have a wonderful husband and three adult/near-adult children who are generally low-maintenance, aside from the usual teenage angst.

I was made redundant a few years ago and am now doing a full-time degree with the Open University.

I am in peri-menopause, my confidence has taken a huge hit, and I spend a lot of time alone at home, because my degree demands so much of my time. I don’t really have close friends, and my wider family isn’t very supportive.

I’m just so lonely and don’t know how to combat it.

Any advice or strategies would be really appreciated

What have you tried so far to make friends and widen your social circle?

Go find people and friends. Have some fun outside your house. Voluntary work or a choir. Something you'll enjoy.

Same question as @Redcandlescandal , and would recommend volunteering. Doing something that has an intrinsic point, in something that interests you, where you have to interact with others to do the thing (whatever it might be)

Book club, walking group, gym classes, yoga, voluntary work local FB group meet-ups for women...

This sound familiar although I retrained and graduated (to try to fit in with disability) and it made no difference to my life. I wish I had the answers. I do all the things within my capability to improve my situation but it fails miserably. I have disability to content with so that adds another barrier but even without it there would be so many hurdles and people who don’t have those don’t understand. You’ll see the join a club response soon.

Please dont think it’s a reflection of you OP, it’s not. It’s. A reflection of the society we live in and have created. Once in person friends think the odd social media message sharing a reel is the same as maintaining a friendship and it’s not. They’ve fooled themselves into thinking they’re not lonely because
facebook shows them 30sec videos that take up their time. That a thumbs up os
the same as a phone call.

What do you enjoy?

For me, I love a coffee and a walk in the local park, so I do that at the same time every day.

Once you're "a regular" you meet and chat with all sorts of people, some have become very good friends, some are just people I pass the time of day with - but I'm not lonely.

One of the problems is that I have lost all of my confidence, it makes it very hard to push myself to try new groups etc.

I have enquired about one volunteering position. I am going to an information evening they have next month but I am incredibly nervous

Don’t OU have any local meet ups or anything like that? Maybe with people doing different courses to you?

They do but unfortunately not in my area.

Are you lonely, or are you bored, or could you be depressed or have anxiety? (possibly related to your hormones)

I don't think I could be lonely with a happy nuclear family. Of course you might be different to me, but what you describe sounds more like you're looking to build your confidence and get out the house more rather than necessarily to meet more people?

So my suggestions would be - consider seeing the GP re HRT or an antidepressant. Try mindfulness (easily poo-pooed but actually very useful and effective). Exercise..?

Out of curiosity where do you live?

I am someone who shouldn’t feel lonely but I do. And I know I don’t come across as being lonely but I feel it all the time. I do parkrun every Saturday as it makes me feel part of something. I’ve never volunteered there but I always think it seems like a very friendly and welcoming group.

I don’t have kids and I never wanted them - I am in my 40s. So I’ve often felt that has meant it’s harder to connect with people my own age as well.

nb. In some ways I worry that they seem friendly but that I would be disappointed!

I shouldn't feel lonely really, it's a bit embarrassing to be honest.

I don't think I am depressed but I certainly suffer with low mood sometimes. I have started seeing a therapist to see if this will help. I definitely need to get out of the house more!

Maybe I do need to speak to the GP about HRT. I have heard women say that peri-menopause affected their confidence.

I am in North Lancashire

OP you can self-refer for 6 counselling sessions free on NHS. It is a useless service for real depression but I found it helpful for focusing on a single issue. You might find it helpful to combat social anxiety.

I massively recommend the old-fashioned but brilliant self help book Feel the Fear by Susan Jeffers. It really does help overcome nerves. It also encourages broad engagement with life. Jeffers suggest you see family and/or friends each week, do something community-spirited each week ( volunteering for charity, local area, local political or religious group you feel allied to each week, keep fit each week. Those four activities done on a regular basis keep you connected.

With the OU are there no student forums? Could you attend one of their summer schools or suggest a meet up for people on your course within your area?

Can you and your DH make more effort locally? Invite neighbors or friendly acquaintances for lunch or drinks, go to the pub quiz.

It would help just to get out of the house to regular fitness classes too. Pilates or yoga or bootcamp. Give plenty of time for friendship to develop. After doing these regularly for a year or two, I made friends well enough to go for coffee chats, to concerts, for dog walks. Not super close but fun companionship.

You know th³thesituation can't change while you are stuck at home.

Take chances. I wanted to go to a show recently and had no one to go with. I invited an old schoolfriend who is always posting theatre trips on FB and she joined me. Turned out she'd been going alone for ages, (not mentioned on FB) so now we go together. If I hadn't asked her, even though I rarely see her, that contact wouldn't have happened.

Thank you so much for your kind advice. I will have a look at the Susan Jeffers book. It sounds like it will be really helpful for me.
I didn't realise the NHS offered 6 counselling sessions. I will definitely look into that.

Some great advice here. I think once you get out and meet people, you can be surprised by how much us going on. Our local parks all have volunteer groups- working outdoors is great for mental health and good when you’re shy/ nervous as you can just focus on the tasks at first and then build up to chatting to people. Is there anything like that where you live?

There is also loads going on in our local church (including regular trips abroad) if you’re that way inclined. An easy way to get involved would be to volunteer to do the tea and coffees after. This is ideal for nervous people as they’re scripted interactions (tea or coffee?) until you build up to chatting more.