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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to get married but we are a few months away

18 replies

gilesday · 28/01/2025 09:49

Ever since we started planning it's been huge tensions and stress. Its not been a fun experience. We have been arguing and just not getting on, i feel so disconnected from him.

We rarely sleep together and if i do im not having fun i do it out of feeling like i should because its been ages.

I have a lot on my plate right now. I dont feel supported by him and it really has me questioning if this is a good idea or not

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 28/01/2025 09:50

I think this is your brain's way of telling you not to get married and to end the relationship.

sjs42 · 28/01/2025 09:52

It isn’t a good idea. He’s just showing you how he’s going to behave in stressful situations. And life contains a lot of those - house moves, children, sick parents, the whole lot. You don’t fancy him due to his behaviour. End it now.

Thepeopleversuswork · 28/01/2025 09:53

What are your reasons for getting married? Are you doing it for financial security? Do you have kids,

If not, you have to ask yourself if it’s worth it?

Marriage is a huge legal millstone around your neck. If you don’t need to do it financially it’s usually a bad idea anyway. If you work and have money if your own it’s definitely a bad idea.

And at this stage in the game it shouldn’t be making you miserable. Why are you doing it?

mateysmum · 28/01/2025 10:03

This really doesn't sound like a good basis for marriage. Feeling supported and being able to resolve differences are two of the key elements to a successful relationship. I think you need to sit down and have an honest conversation about ow you are feeling.
Do not get married whilst you feel like this. Don't fall into the sunk cost fallacy.

FoxtonFoxton · 28/01/2025 10:05

Cancel everything OP. Better now than get married and deal with the inevitable divorce. I'm sorry.

TishHope · 28/01/2025 10:07

Don't get married, it will save a lot of money and effort later when you have to start the divorce process.

quoque · 28/01/2025 10:08

Trust your gut and call it off now.

(Look up the sunk costs fallacy too, if you're worried about what's already gone into the wedding.)

Starlight1984 · 28/01/2025 10:11

We have been arguing and just not getting on
I feel so disconnected from him
We rarely sleep together and if I do I'm not having fun I do it out of feeling like I should
I don't feel supported by him

You do know that marriage is literally a piece of paper don't you? And that it changes absolutely nothing in a relationship?

I adore my DH and we're very happily married but the days after we got married were exactly the same as the days before we got married. We both kept saying "isn't it weird that we're married because it feels no different!".

So yeah, if you're unhappy now, just end it. Getting married won't make anything any better.

Nothatgingerpirate · 28/01/2025 10:12

Don't get married.

Macrodatarefiner · 28/01/2025 10:13

Gosh, leave OP, it doesn't sound like a good place to be.

ginasevern · 28/01/2025 10:17

I'm trying to take a balanced view here. You say you've been stressed about the wedding, which is understandable as it's a lot to organise. But perhaps your anxiety has made you not very pleasant company. You say you have a lot on your plate (presumably in addition to the wedding). Could you expand on this? I think more context is needed. However, I would say that if you have any doubts about getting married to someone, then don't do it!

Miaowzabella · 28/01/2025 10:19

Planning your wedding should be a hectic but basically happy time. If you are not feeling supported or connected, it's a sign that the relationship is wrong for you.

Kitkatcatflap · 28/01/2025 10:19

Big weddings are stressful so those niggling irritations can be normal. Saying you don't feel supported by him and that you rarely sleep together and when you do you don't enjoy it is worrying. Both of those reasons are good of enough to call off or at least postpone the wedding. Please don't ignore these issues. Does he know how you feel? Are you able to discuss your feelings with him?

Arlanymor · 28/01/2025 10:24

A wedding is just a day, marriage is for life. I see no problem in cancelling a single day given that the alternative could be a miserable life. Take a step back from it all because what it’s indicating is that your relationship struggles under stress - many do - but if it is affecting you in the ways in which you say it is then that is something that you really need to think about. If you cancel now and do the work then there’s nothing to say you can’t look again at marriage in the future. If you’re not enjoying the planning, then the day itself is likely to be equally as hellish.

LauritaEvita · 28/01/2025 10:25

I’ve had 2 friends feel like this before their weddings. One cancelled and broke up with him (this was a massive deal as all family and friends had booked long haul trip abroad for wedding) and one went through with it and later got divorced. The first one gave herself time to heal, met someone else years later and is now happily married. The second one wasted years married to someone she disliked and is now miserable and with stress related chronic illnesses. Both had voiced pre wedding that they didn’t want to marry but made 2 different decisions.

Onlycoffee · 28/01/2025 10:25

If in doubt, don't.

Mog65 · 28/01/2025 11:01

Have you spoken to your partner about how you feel. Is he just as stressed as you. Have you thought of putting it all on hold and speaking to your partnet

Porcuporpoise · 28/01/2025 11:19

Is it the wedding organisation that's stressing you out or the idea of marriage? If the latter, don't do it.

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