An absent father is better than an abusive father

[Curiouscuriouser]

NC for this

One of my best friends daughter (aged 5) was allegedly sexually abused by her father. This is my friends ex-husband (they have been divorced many years - since child was a toddler) Since the allegations he has not been allowed to see the child (my friend has just refused to send her to his house) except occasionally on neutral ground where a third party has supervised as per social services recommendation. They cannot prove he abused her but the child said he did (repeated story to various adults including social services when asked) No evidence to prove he did and he denies it. My friend is sure her child is telling the truth, I know the child well and think she is telling the truth too. This happened 6 months ago.

The father has now told my friend he is moving abroad with his new partner and they are going to get married and live abroad etc. This is a big relief to us all as he will be to an even larger extent out of the child's life especially if he starts a new family and hopefully loses interest in her.

I saw a thread on here recently about how damaging having an absent father is to children and it made me wonder whether it really is so bad to to have an absent father if the father is physically or sexually abusive? Surely this is the preferable option?

Does anyone on here have a similar story to the above and their child was better off when the abusive father moved out of the picture completely? I would love this to be true as my friends daughter is under considerable stress because of this and the whole situation as it currently stands.

Just to add the child is visibly frightened of her father and has a tantrum if you even mention his name in her presence and she has never once asked her mum to visit him since this happened (she used to sleep at her father's two nights every weekend and they had an unofficial arrangement in regards to this childcare arrangement)

YABU- children need to be in contact with their parents regularly even if they are abusive towards them.

YANBU- if a parent is abusive towards child it is always best to keep the child as far away as possible and better for child to have an absent parent.

I don't have experience of this situation but I am a mother. My humble opinion here is that the man behaved as a predator first and foremost, cancelling out any positive behaviours he might have displayed in his role as a father. Is it better the child is entirely cut off from a sexual predator? Hell yes. She will have to process the loss of a father but the father she deserved never existed sadly so the grief would be there anyway.

@StandFirm reply is brilliant. I agree wholeheartedly.
I wish your friend and her daughter the best life possible: they have a long journey to healing ahead of them. May it be filled with people who genuinely care and love them, like you OP 💐🙏

How is this even a question? The child doesn’t want to see the father so I don’t understand why the mum allows even supervised visitation, unless she is forced to. Even then I would do everything to not do it.
An absent father is a lot better than an abusive one, a million times over.
Unfortunately the problem is just going to move with him.

I'd be very worried about him moving abroad where the investigation won't show up on a police check then him abusing future children and /or others.

Is his new partner aware?

She needs to be told!

Absolutely. On the scale of shit humans, absent parents are better ie less damaging than bad parents.

They’re both junk tho.

The exception is dead parents - they may be absent but they don’t damage.

Similar happened in extended family. Physical abuse, not sexual.
The "father" gave up his parental rights in exchange for never seeing or paying for child. I believe the older half siblings no longer see him either.
Massive relief in our family, but still dealing with the consequences, although he barely remembers his father and stepmother.

DS1's father was abusive towards me (it was a very short relationship but I decided to keep the baby). Nevertheless, I was prepared to facilitate a relationship between him and DS, but after he failed to turn up to a couple of arranged contact sessions with no word I decided to go no contact. I'm so glad I did, because he went on to sexually and emotionally abuse another child he had (again, she disclosed the abuse but was not believed by the authorities). He has played an active part in the upbringing of his oldest DC (yes, he's a serial impregnator), and their mother has told me I did the right thing in keeping DS1 away from him, because she believes he has permanently damaged them.

I really feel DS1 and I have dodged a bullet by going no contact.

My father abused me and has been absent from my life for around 40 years now. He lives close by though and has largely ignored me during that time, despite him knowing who I am. My mum left him after years of domestic violence towards us, his sexual abuse came to light openly after I had a huge breakdown in my 30s, although it was always there in my mind. Sorry, it’s hard to articulate clearly. He offered no parenting support to my mum in any form when she left, and presented himself as the victim. I still hear people refer to him fondly and wonder how he maintains his mask. Majority of his circle now have no idea he even has children.
Please bear in mind that this happened in the 80s and it was very different to how life is now.

Absolutely it’s better to have an absent father than an abusive one BUT when you’ve been abused you will still always have both. I think perhaps you mean an absent one rather than a present one who is abusive. Even still, the abuse has happened and has caused complex damage and trauma. Having an absent parent also brings its own set of psychological damage, which is often compounded when you become a parent yourself. And then there’s the confused feelings towards your ‘safe’ parent, who ultimately didn’t protect you. It’s a mind fuck of epic proportions that is there throughout the remainder of your life. I’m fortunate in that I’ve had years of trauma counselling to process things but it doesn’t erase them.

Not a helpful answer, but an honest one.

YANBU - particularly in this situation where abuse is involved.

I undoubtedly have issues due to an 'absent father' - hard to explain but the feeling of not being wanted, no good enough, why me? what if I've passed him on the street and not known? How come my first boyfriend knew him as he went to his school and I don't? All may seem irrational but it is just how it has affected me, don't come at me anyone - it's just my experience!

THAT BEING SAID ..... my rational mind is so thankful! I never knew any different, I never was let down on birthdays, weekends, I never missed out because of missed payments to my mum (she never received a penny), I didn't have to listen to arguments between mum and dad etc.....

And most importantly...... I was and still am loved unconditionally by my mum, I grew up with 1 parent as the norm, and life just kept going and I was happy!

OP I do hope this gets sorted and this child can go on to live a loved and happy childhood without living in fear of the awful man who is clearly not a 'dad' xxx

@crackofdoom definitely 'dodged a bullet' love that, my mum did the same for me ❤️

How does the thread on absent parents apply to this situation? Obviously if the parent is sexually
abusive no contact is better…?

I'm always thankful that my mam never pushed any relationship between me and my father and I never once missed having him.
Once I was old enough to know the full extent of the kind of man he was I new she'd made the only decision she could x

Thank you all for your replies. I'm sorry for your negative experiences with your fathers but it's good to know that hopefully things will be better for her now he's leaving the country (and her life hopefully) as it was very upsetting for the child having to see him.
@hazelnutvanillalatte it's really complicated for my friend to get a no contact ruling for him. If she takes him to court people have said she may not win the case as no evidence and then he will legally be able to see the child unsupervised (as they will have a legal child arrangement order of sorts in writing) which is the worst outcome for the child. Currently he only sees her supervised and very rarely since the allegations. Hopefully he will become an absent parent by moving abroad and losing interest in her. We think this will be a positive outcome for the child hopefully.

I saw a thread on here recently about how damaging having an absent father is to children and it made me wonder whether it really is so bad to to have an absent father if the father is physically or sexually abusive? Surely this is the preferable option?

I think everyone would agree that it is absolutely better to not have him in her life.

When people talk about absent fathers, they aren't comparing them to abusive fathers. No one is saying "well he abused you but at least he was present"

@Tisthedamnseason there was one about an emotionally abusive father where the mother was saying she wished he was more involved in his children's lives as he was doing untold damage to them by not being present in their lives and they were feeling abandoned and rejected. Its what made me wonder.....

But it looks from the replies I got so far like children do better with no father rather than an abusive father. That does make sense.

My father was physically abusive. My mother essentially had to kidnap me into a different country at the age of 10. Between the age of 10 and 11 I spoke on the phone with him once and I then decided to never speak to him again. The man's been dead for 15 years now and I have no regrets whatsoever.

My opinion is that absent is better.
I don't have the SA, but I was born into domestic violence, was abused physically and emotionally by my biological father. Things improved loads when he left.
Until my mother met my stepdad, who was more violent, and psychologically abusive as well.
I wouldn't have wanted either, and having an absent father isn't great - but better than one who's always around abusing you, and there's nothing you can do about it, because you're just a child.

My dm had me with a man who abandoned her

Then she got with sd and had more kids

I always thought she should've been a single mum. Sd bullied me and made life hard for me. He didn't like me and made it clear, and my mum used to beg him to pretend to care for me

Now we're estranged and I 100% think that an absent father is better. Kids need a strong mum who isn't upset over a man/trying to make a marriage work

It can be complicated, children who experience significant abuse and neglect often still have love for their parents. To cope they can turn the abuse on themselves thinking if they had been better, more obedient etc their parents wouldn’t have abused them - which is nonsense but children have very immature coping mechanisms and it’s often the nature of abuse that the abusive parent tells them it’s their fault. Children fully separated from abusive parents can really struggle with the absence of the parent.

I’d still argue that an absent parent is better in that the child is physically safe, but the child will need a lot of support to cope with both the abuse and the impact of the absent parent. We’ve thankfully moved past the thinking that all the child needs is a secure home to recover from abuse, it’s more nuanced than that.

I was removed from my parents at 7. Living without my father was vastly better than being abused by him (and my mother).

At some point the child will likely grieve for the father they should have had, but with an abusive father that would have happened at some point anyway.