To hate the fact I sometimes have to be ‘Less nice’ so people treat me better

[Bowserthedog]

Does anyone else have this?

I notice when I don’t put as much effort into things, friendships etc, people are often keener. Plus, in work situations (i’m self employed) if i’m a little less friendly/show keenness for a job, they’re friendlier and all over me

I hate it as don’t understand the mind games and why I have to be a certain way to almost gain more respect, if that makes sense!

I sort of get this. I've come across a few strong characters (mainly at work) who try to dominate and if they get a whiff that someone is 'soft' they just wipe the floor with them. I've learnt that if I match their energy more, then they treat me better. I hate it though as I'm generally quite a soft natured person, not passive, but considerate and mindful of how I treat others, but my patience for being walked all over has decreased as I've got older, so I now harden up when required because it seems to result in being treated better.

In these situations I just wish I could be myself and people wouldn't underestimate me or assume I'm a pushover.

I feel the same. I think trying to win people over with niceness has cost me. I am quicker now to cool off if it isn’t reciprocated

Yes this is it, I find if I match their energy back (if its not been great) then they’re all extra nice to me, but I shouldn’t have to do that

I think you should think about why this might be. Are you too full on when you’re in ‘nice’ mode? Does it look like over-eagerness, whether for friendship or business?

I don’t think it’s about being less nice, it’s about coming across less needy / clingy / intense / desperate.

I feel suffocated by friends who are always Putting Effort In. Often it seems they are trying to pressure me to up my own Effort to a level that I don’t have time or bandwidth for and feels like hard work.

I think when pitching for jobs, keen and super friendly can read as potentially overfamiliar / unprofessional, or desperate for the work, which makes people think, ‘does she not have any other clients? Is there something I need to be wary of here?’

i don’t think it’s mind games; I think it’s possible that your natural ebullience might not be landing the way you want it to.

No I’m not really like that at all, but friendly and accommodating etc, it’s not with everyone and I see it more in work situations. If they are more curt with me, then if I then match that, they seem to be much more up my arse, iyswim

Yeah look up fawning

Well you don’t have to match their energy, of course. But nor does anyone else have to match your energy, or hire you if it’s not a good match, or put the level of effort into the friendship that you believe they ought to.

Maybe stick with people whose energy is more like yours to begin with 🤷‍♀️

I find myself doing this aswell just to protect myself

I think you are missing the point

Yes, I think that’s fair. ‘Appropriate’ energy levels are so subjective. People are always on Mn complaining about how they’re always the one ‘putting the effort in’ and ‘ checking in’ in friendships, and not getting it back, but it’s perfectly possible the people on the receiving end of this experience it as ‘too much’, and their failure to match the ‘effort’ is a guide to the type or level of interaction they would prefer.

I mean, there’s no ‘one size fits all’, and some of it is culture-dependent too, but one person’s ’friendly and accommodating’ is another person’s ‘over-eager’.

OP, if you’re finding this a lot, across friendships and business, you need to consider whether it’s you that’s out of step.

I have also experienced this. As I've got older (and hopefully wiser) I've realised that being nice all the time often rebounds on me. I'm naturally quite introverted and soft natured,but as a previous poster said,when some people get a whiff of this,they take advantage of you,big time. My tolerance for being pushed around and walked over has decreased the older I've got, and now, even though it's not in my nature to be aggressive,I've had to be at times. Especially as a visibly disabled person,because some individuals think that means they can piss all over you and you'll sit there and accept it. So nowadays when I get poor service in a shop,or some Johnny-come-lately thinks they can elbow me out of the way when getting on a bus (despite the fact that I was there long before them) I call them out on it.

I’m quite self assured and people would say I’m a strong character. But I spend my life thinking about others and I present as ‘nice’. Ultimately though I don’t give a shit whether people like me, whether my niceness is well received or reciprocated because my ‘niceness’ is based on my moral conviction, nothing more. If you’re nice, you’re nice. It’s not an act. But you can still have boundaries and you can still be assertive.

I think if people don’t ’treat you well’ - that’s nothing to do with ‘being nice’. It’s probably because you’re using niceness as a mask for low self-esteem or neediness or people-pleasing. Nasty people can sniff that out and will take full advantage.

If you want respect, it starts with self-respect.