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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband's female relationships

17 replies

LightGreenSloth · 27/01/2025 20:58

Ever since I met my husband, he's been quite open that he gets on better with women and doesn't really like many men.

When we got together 10 years ago, there appeared to be at least 6 or 7 other women all over his social media. I was actually surprised at how proactive was in distancing himself from them when we became serious. I remember him saying something like "it's not that they were romantic relationships, but there was still a sort of intimacy to them that doesn't really feel right when I'm in a relationship". I think it's important to remember that even he thought this once!

Anyway, for most of our marriage, he's basically seemed like the sort of person who doesn't really need his own social life; quite happy to focus on me and the kids and then socialise with my friends and their husbands.

On a surface level, I couldn't really complain about anything substantial in our marriage until...

At New Year, I saw that one of my friends had text him to say Happy New Year. I immediately thought this was kind of weird because she hadn't text me the same. I've always had slight paranoia about them because they're such similar people (introverted bookish types) and get on so well. I did know they spoke occasionally as she's done some work for him, but I didn't know they were in regular contact, and certainly not that he'd trump me in her "Happy New Year" hierarchy!

Because of this, rightly or wrongly, I had to bide my time to try and sneak a peek at his phone. I finally did and have now basically been left wishing I hadn't; I've not found any evidence of anything specific but feel like I've opened up a can of worms.

With my old friend, for instance, it was wholly innocent stuff about books, issues, ideas and nothing really personal at all. The New Year message made a bit more sense as they were sort of mid-conversation, and it might have been more weird to not address the fact it was New Year. They definitely message far more than I knew though and that still feels a betrayal to me.

It's not just her that he's in regular touch with either; there appears to be a colleague who, by the looks of her WA picture, is a good 10/15 years older than me, a school mum who we're both friendly with, his old MA tutor and then his oldest schoolfriend. Ofc I checked the messages...

With the exception of the oldest friend, all the conversations are similar to the above; ostensibly harmless, slow-moving conversations that don't really concern "everyday life" too much. They all seem quite similar to each other but not very much like me. He's mentioned these people to me in passing but I guess I'm surprised(jealous?) at the level of thought and energy he puts into talking to them,. especially my friend.

I can't say I feel particularly like he's checked out or inattentive to me but reading the messages I now know exactly what he meant by when he said his female friendships were "intimate, if not romantic". It's a hard thing to put your finger on because it'd be hard to point to any one thing and say it's out of line, but they've not left me feeling good. That's just why you don't read your partner's messages though, right?

His chats with his oldest friend don't really send me one way or the other either. Their texting relationship is definitely a notch or two up on the flirtiness, but they both frequently mention me and her husband in a positive way, and had actually had a chat about cheats and cheating where he'd said he didn't understand why people wouldn't just leave if that's what they wanted.

All in all, I just feel really confused and wish I hadn't done what I'd done. I think he would understand if I told him I'd looked at his phone out of worry about him and my friend but, on the other hand, what can I actually be angry for? It's essentially me being jealous over the fact he has semi-regular deep and meaningful platonic conversations with 5 other women, and to one of whom he's basically said he'd never cheat. Is that a reasonable thing to be jealous about? Is it worth saying anything at all?

Reading back, I should say that another part of my paranoia is that, although I've said he's bookish and introverted, that shouldn't come across as me saying he's a friendly beta male type! I know what his "body count" is from idle chat we had before we married. It - and his libido - are both far higher than anyone else I've ever known, so it's not like that inclination isn't in him somewhere...

AIBU to be as bothered as I am?

OP posts:
Agix · 27/01/2025 21:20

So you checked his phone and all you found are friendly chats?

I think this is a you problem. Perhaps you want there to be something up to justify checking his phone? Either way, all you found were friendly chats. You should be pleased...

HeronWing · 27/01/2025 21:25

DH has this kind of friendship with six or seven women. It doesn’t cost me a second thought. Tbh, I find men with no female friends much odder. There’s something weirdly depressing about a man who can only conceive of women as sex objects. I have good male friends, too.

Chattycatt · 27/01/2025 21:41

Refreshing you didn’t find anything on there but I would say follow your gut and instinct

meh2025 · 28/01/2025 03:11

LightGreenSloth · 27/01/2025 20:58

Ever since I met my husband, he's been quite open that he gets on better with women and doesn't really like many men.

When we got together 10 years ago, there appeared to be at least 6 or 7 other women all over his social media. I was actually surprised at how proactive was in distancing himself from them when we became serious. I remember him saying something like "it's not that they were romantic relationships, but there was still a sort of intimacy to them that doesn't really feel right when I'm in a relationship". I think it's important to remember that even he thought this once!

Anyway, for most of our marriage, he's basically seemed like the sort of person who doesn't really need his own social life; quite happy to focus on me and the kids and then socialise with my friends and their husbands.

On a surface level, I couldn't really complain about anything substantial in our marriage until...

At New Year, I saw that one of my friends had text him to say Happy New Year. I immediately thought this was kind of weird because she hadn't text me the same. I've always had slight paranoia about them because they're such similar people (introverted bookish types) and get on so well. I did know they spoke occasionally as she's done some work for him, but I didn't know they were in regular contact, and certainly not that he'd trump me in her "Happy New Year" hierarchy!

Because of this, rightly or wrongly, I had to bide my time to try and sneak a peek at his phone. I finally did and have now basically been left wishing I hadn't; I've not found any evidence of anything specific but feel like I've opened up a can of worms.

With my old friend, for instance, it was wholly innocent stuff about books, issues, ideas and nothing really personal at all. The New Year message made a bit more sense as they were sort of mid-conversation, and it might have been more weird to not address the fact it was New Year. They definitely message far more than I knew though and that still feels a betrayal to me.

It's not just her that he's in regular touch with either; there appears to be a colleague who, by the looks of her WA picture, is a good 10/15 years older than me, a school mum who we're both friendly with, his old MA tutor and then his oldest schoolfriend. Ofc I checked the messages...

With the exception of the oldest friend, all the conversations are similar to the above; ostensibly harmless, slow-moving conversations that don't really concern "everyday life" too much. They all seem quite similar to each other but not very much like me. He's mentioned these people to me in passing but I guess I'm surprised(jealous?) at the level of thought and energy he puts into talking to them,. especially my friend.

I can't say I feel particularly like he's checked out or inattentive to me but reading the messages I now know exactly what he meant by when he said his female friendships were "intimate, if not romantic". It's a hard thing to put your finger on because it'd be hard to point to any one thing and say it's out of line, but they've not left me feeling good. That's just why you don't read your partner's messages though, right?

His chats with his oldest friend don't really send me one way or the other either. Their texting relationship is definitely a notch or two up on the flirtiness, but they both frequently mention me and her husband in a positive way, and had actually had a chat about cheats and cheating where he'd said he didn't understand why people wouldn't just leave if that's what they wanted.

All in all, I just feel really confused and wish I hadn't done what I'd done. I think he would understand if I told him I'd looked at his phone out of worry about him and my friend but, on the other hand, what can I actually be angry for? It's essentially me being jealous over the fact he has semi-regular deep and meaningful platonic conversations with 5 other women, and to one of whom he's basically said he'd never cheat. Is that a reasonable thing to be jealous about? Is it worth saying anything at all?

Reading back, I should say that another part of my paranoia is that, although I've said he's bookish and introverted, that shouldn't come across as me saying he's a friendly beta male type! I know what his "body count" is from idle chat we had before we married. It - and his libido - are both far higher than anyone else I've ever known, so it's not like that inclination isn't in him somewhere...

AIBU to be as bothered as I am?

Didn't you say he said he had moved on from these relationships? So he lied and has been hiding them?

And your friend is lying to you by ommission too?

How very strange. Dig deeper.

Sorry for accidental quote, can't seem to ditch it.

LinkinSin · 28/01/2025 03:38

I think, nicely, this is a you thing, not a him thing. He’s shown you he has an awareness of appropriate boundaries and no history of crossing them; he’s also been open that he gets on better with women than men. These sound like friendships in the truest sense.

it sounds like he respects you and I suspect he would step away from them if you asked him to - but I’m not sure what that would really achieve. You would be isolating him, which would probably create some (understandable) resentment from him, and you would be openly introducing the fact that you mistrust him on some level - that’s quite big and may have other unintended consequences.

i would say work on whatever it is that’s driving the insecurity first and foremost; if you need to have a quick check of his messages every 6 months to reassure yourself nothing has stepped up, do that, rather than bring this to him right now.

Ablondiebutagoody · 28/01/2025 09:18

I don't really see the problem. What kind of frequency are these messages?

HelloVeritas · 28/01/2025 09:29

Does he ever have the opportunity to meet these women alone OP? A joint hobby?

I know a number of men who 'get on better with women' and can think of a few examples where lines are most definitely crossed.

pimplebum · 28/01/2025 09:36

Your husband has appropriate respectful chats with his female friends ? And …

ItGhoul · 28/01/2025 10:20

I've got lots of male friends that I exchange loads of messages with on social media and WhatsApp. I'm not having affairs with any of them, neither do I want to.

If my DP started going through my phone to see if I was being too intimate with them, I'd think my DP had become a controlling nightmare and I'd be rethinking my relationship.

When did people decide that men and women can't have a chat without wanting to fuck each other? Do people really think it's normal or healthy to restrict a partner's friendship possibilities to only 50% of the people they meet?

I was talking about this with my brother at Christmas. He always says he generally prefers the company of women to men. He gets on really well with DP - they're quite similar in some ways - but he doesn't really have many male friends at all. Most people would describe my brother as a pretty masculine type; he's a big muscular bloke, sports fan, DIY type etc. But he's also very bookish, quite shy and just isn't a man who feels like he has anything to prove. He's always got on well with women platonically. He sees women as human beings; he's not considering everyone he meets as a potential shag! He really, really doesn't get the idea that there's anything weird about men and women being mates. Maybe your partner is the same.

Disturbia81 · 28/01/2025 10:27

HeronWing · 27/01/2025 21:25

DH has this kind of friendship with six or seven women. It doesn’t cost me a second thought. Tbh, I find men with no female friends much odder. There’s something weirdly depressing about a man who can only conceive of women as sex objects. I have good male friends, too.

This
Life is more colourful with friends of both sexes.. I feel nothing but platonic for my male friends.

gannett · 28/01/2025 10:51

HeronWing · 27/01/2025 21:25

DH has this kind of friendship with six or seven women. It doesn’t cost me a second thought. Tbh, I find men with no female friends much odder. There’s something weirdly depressing about a man who can only conceive of women as sex objects. I have good male friends, too.

Men with no female friends are a gigantic red flag to me - as you say it's because those men think women are a homogeneous mass and they can't relate to us except as sex objects.

All these conversations sound normal, and what a platonic friendship is meant to be. I probably have 10-20 similar ones going on, of varying frequency and centred on varying topics, with both male and female friends. The things I like to chat about (politics, philosophy, the arts, some sports) are not gender-restricted - that's another reason I don't understand gender-segregated socialising. What kind of basic conversations are you having that you can't have them with someone of the opposite sex?

Anyway I would consider these conversations another green flag when it comes to his character, but I'm afraid snooping into private conversations is another huge red flag, and for me it would be relationship-ending.

That said, I think I do understand why OP feels jealous, even though there's no infidelity or even potential infidelity going on. Do you have deep and meaningful conversations with your husband? Do you talk about books, ideas, big issues? Do you feel they have higher-level conversations than you do with him? Do you feel she's more intellectually stimulating to him? It's easy to fall into the trap of only talking about domestic stuff with the person you live with. Tbh this is something you have to solve for yourself. If you want to have those conversations with him then... bring up those topics and ideas yourself.

meh2025 · 28/01/2025 10:55

meh2025 · 28/01/2025 03:11

Didn't you say he said he had moved on from these relationships? So he lied and has been hiding them?

And your friend is lying to you by ommission too?

How very strange. Dig deeper.

Sorry for accidental quote, can't seem to ditch it.

Edited
Show quote history

The problem is, of course, that he lied to you about having these friendships and that your friend has also been lying to you by ommission.

Very odd indeed. Dig deeper.

IamnotSethRogan · 28/01/2025 11:01

I don't think he lied more that he said he'd scaled the friendships back which appears that he did. It doesn't sound like he said he that he's cut them out of his life altogether for literally no reason.

You were completely out of order for checking his phone and now you're upset that he had conversations with friends.

Nothankyoucyst · 28/01/2025 11:06

He sounds like Phil from Modern Family! In a good way

smallsilvercloud · 28/01/2025 11:17

I don't think it's respectful of your friend to be more friendly than she is to you, if her intentions are platonic then still it isn't nice to not involve you also. As for having a string of female friends, you either don't care accept it or it does, you can try and live with it or prehaps this isn't the man you want to raise a family with, quite honestly you'll feel a whole lot worse while you're with a baby at home while he still lives his life the same and your self esteem is likely to suffer more.

HeronWing · 28/01/2025 11:42

smallsilvercloud · 28/01/2025 11:17

I don't think it's respectful of your friend to be more friendly than she is to you, if her intentions are platonic then still it isn't nice to not involve you also. As for having a string of female friends, you either don't care accept it or it does, you can try and live with it or prehaps this isn't the man you want to raise a family with, quite honestly you'll feel a whole lot worse while you're with a baby at home while he still lives his life the same and your self esteem is likely to suffer more.

The OP is married and has children with this man. She has specifically said that he’s been focused on her and their children for their entire marriage, not bothered about pursuing his own social life, but socialising with her, her friends and their partners.

Not only has nothing she said suggests he neglects her to go out with his female friends, she’s stated the complete opposite.

Flipflop223 · 04/02/2025 20:11

LightGreenSloth · 27/01/2025 20:58

Ever since I met my husband, he's been quite open that he gets on better with women and doesn't really like many men.

When we got together 10 years ago, there appeared to be at least 6 or 7 other women all over his social media. I was actually surprised at how proactive was in distancing himself from them when we became serious. I remember him saying something like "it's not that they were romantic relationships, but there was still a sort of intimacy to them that doesn't really feel right when I'm in a relationship". I think it's important to remember that even he thought this once!

Anyway, for most of our marriage, he's basically seemed like the sort of person who doesn't really need his own social life; quite happy to focus on me and the kids and then socialise with my friends and their husbands.

On a surface level, I couldn't really complain about anything substantial in our marriage until...

At New Year, I saw that one of my friends had text him to say Happy New Year. I immediately thought this was kind of weird because she hadn't text me the same. I've always had slight paranoia about them because they're such similar people (introverted bookish types) and get on so well. I did know they spoke occasionally as she's done some work for him, but I didn't know they were in regular contact, and certainly not that he'd trump me in her "Happy New Year" hierarchy!

Because of this, rightly or wrongly, I had to bide my time to try and sneak a peek at his phone. I finally did and have now basically been left wishing I hadn't; I've not found any evidence of anything specific but feel like I've opened up a can of worms.

With my old friend, for instance, it was wholly innocent stuff about books, issues, ideas and nothing really personal at all. The New Year message made a bit more sense as they were sort of mid-conversation, and it might have been more weird to not address the fact it was New Year. They definitely message far more than I knew though and that still feels a betrayal to me.

It's not just her that he's in regular touch with either; there appears to be a colleague who, by the looks of her WA picture, is a good 10/15 years older than me, a school mum who we're both friendly with, his old MA tutor and then his oldest schoolfriend. Ofc I checked the messages...

With the exception of the oldest friend, all the conversations are similar to the above; ostensibly harmless, slow-moving conversations that don't really concern "everyday life" too much. They all seem quite similar to each other but not very much like me. He's mentioned these people to me in passing but I guess I'm surprised(jealous?) at the level of thought and energy he puts into talking to them,. especially my friend.

I can't say I feel particularly like he's checked out or inattentive to me but reading the messages I now know exactly what he meant by when he said his female friendships were "intimate, if not romantic". It's a hard thing to put your finger on because it'd be hard to point to any one thing and say it's out of line, but they've not left me feeling good. That's just why you don't read your partner's messages though, right?

His chats with his oldest friend don't really send me one way or the other either. Their texting relationship is definitely a notch or two up on the flirtiness, but they both frequently mention me and her husband in a positive way, and had actually had a chat about cheats and cheating where he'd said he didn't understand why people wouldn't just leave if that's what they wanted.

All in all, I just feel really confused and wish I hadn't done what I'd done. I think he would understand if I told him I'd looked at his phone out of worry about him and my friend but, on the other hand, what can I actually be angry for? It's essentially me being jealous over the fact he has semi-regular deep and meaningful platonic conversations with 5 other women, and to one of whom he's basically said he'd never cheat. Is that a reasonable thing to be jealous about? Is it worth saying anything at all?

Reading back, I should say that another part of my paranoia is that, although I've said he's bookish and introverted, that shouldn't come across as me saying he's a friendly beta male type! I know what his "body count" is from idle chat we had before we married. It - and his libido - are both far higher than anyone else I've ever known, so it's not like that inclination isn't in him somewhere...

AIBU to be as bothered as I am?

Doesn’t seem like an issue to me.

It’s “texted”, not “text”. I texted yesterday, I sent a text.

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