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Original poster

To not cook for DP when I’m working 6 weeks in a row without a single day off and a 6 hour commute?

704 replies

ZanyPlumExpert · 27/01/2025 20:44

We’re a couple in an our 20s living together. No kids yet but we were tentatively planning to start trying for a baby next year, but I am now reconsidering after becoming disillusioned by my partner’s laziness. If you’re wondering why I’m on Mumsnet when I have no kids, it’s because I often come across it when Googling stuff and I’ve found it to be a really helpful community.

Anyway, here is the situation. I’m in my second year of uni as a mature student in a full-on healthcare degree which involves being in uni 4 days a week, and I also have to work 8 hour shifts Saturday and Sunday due to the cost of living, so I usually am only off on Wednesday’s when I have to meal-prep, clean the house, do the big shop etc etc. I also moved an hour away from my university in order to be with my partner and don’t drive (I have dyspraxia and feel it isn’t safe for me to drive), so have a 3 hour commute on public transport each way to get to uni, meaning that I leave the house at 6am and get home at 7pm when I am in uni. My partner works 4-on-4-off doing 12 hour shifts in a very physical high responsibility job. On his 4 days off he enjoys the gym and going to a boxing club.

When I’m on a uni placement, I lose my Wednesday day off as placement is 9-5 Monday to Friday, it’s meant to emulate what a full-time job in the field would be like. I could not get a placement near to home, only near to my uni, so I’m still doing the 3 hour commute each way and leave the house at 6am and get back at 8pm. I am, as you can imagine, absolutely fucked. I’m 3 weeks into the 6 week placement and I have been on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I’m run down and have had a cold for 2 weeks straight, I’ve been spending fortune on coffees and fast-food because I don’t have the fucking time to do anything. On the weekends I’m working in retail and getting shouted and screamed at by customers.

My partner has still been expecting me to meal prep after my weekend shifts so we have food throughout the week. He is “traditional” and likes me to cook for him, and as he’s big on health, he hates when I eat fast food, and he moans if I order takeaways when I’m shattered. Last Thursday I came home and had a nervous breakdown, I got home at 8pm (he was enjoying his 3rd day off out of 4) and he requested me to make lasagne. It was 8pm ffs and I had to leave the house at 6am the next day! I’d also had a really draining day involving an upsetting situation with a child patient where I’d had to get involved with a safeguarding report. I told him to fuck off and said he could have cooked, I got a load of excuses that he doesn’t like cooking, blah blah blah, he isn’t good at it, blah blah blah. I said if he at least tried, I’d be happy. The next day (last Friday) I got home and he had made a “bolognaise” which was literally mince and tinned tomatoes, no other ingredients. The mince was pink and he hadn’t done any pasta, he wanted me to do that. I lost it and phoned my dad (who is based in the city where my uni is) to come and pick me up, and I’ve been there ever since.

He has been grovelling over the phone but I don’t want to go back. I am absolutely exhausted. I still have 3 weeks to go of this placement and nothing will be different, I will end up getting seriously ill from the stress I think. My period is 3 weeks late (deffo not pregnant, tested negative, it’s stress related). I am reconsidering the entire relationship and am terrified to have a baby with him, as I don’t think he’ll do anything to help. During my meltdown I told him I wanted to quit uni and get a normal 9-5 job so I could have my weekends back and cook for him like he wants, and he says no because I’ll earn better when I graduate!!!! He wants it all ways.

I know I’m not in the wrong but I need some hand-holding I think. Surely I’m not unreasonable to expect my partner to cook on his days off when I work 6 weeks in a row without a day off, especially when 5 days a week I’m commuting 3-hours each way?

OP posts:
Amybelle88 · 27/01/2025 22:56

Fuck him off.

If he wants traditional tell him he has to go out and provide - and your standards are high so it has to be a decent wage.

He would soon see his arse.

He sounds like a bellend, stay with your dad and minimise your commute. You must be absolutely fucked but your dedication is incredible doing. 4 hour commute each day.

I'd take some serious time away at the very least for now - you need to recoup and you'll just never be able to do that with the commute and the way he's treating you.

Sprinklecake97 · 27/01/2025 22:57

He's a lazy piece of shit. You're suppose to be his partner not his mother! Tell him to fuck off and focus on yourself xx

Mielbee · 27/01/2025 22:58

This is horrendous. You are having a tough time and he should be picking up 90% of the house work while you're on placement. Any decent partner would be. I cannot believe that he has 4 days to do with what he likes and you have none. Please please please do not go back. Move to your uni town to reduce your commute and look after yourself. Wishing you all the best OP.

Buildingthefuture · 27/01/2025 22:59

Do not have a baby with this fool. Or waste anymore time with him. Lazy, incompetent, selfish and entitled spring to mind. Bin and view it as a very lucky escape.
My DH can be a dick sometimes (can’t we all) but in the situation you describe? He’d have picked me up to save me the long commute and dinner would be ready.
You can find someone much better op.

Iamnotalemming · 27/01/2025 22:59

The commute on its own would have finished me, but that selfish windbag on top? No chance. Stay at home and don't look back.

Laurmolonlabe · 27/01/2025 23:06

I'm afraid your partner hasn't got the luxury of being so "traditional" if you work full time- you both have to decide what you want- do you want this career, or do you want to stay at home and cook and keep house, and does he want to be "traditional" or does he want a good 2nd salary coming in?-neither of you can have it both ways.
You decide you want the career, then buy him a student cookbook (always easy budget friendly recipes) and he cooks from the book when he is off (not the I'll do it so badly she'll see she has to do it nonsense), or you abandon the career and focus on looking after him and the house.
He has some growing up to do before you can consider having any children, also no matter how knackered you feel now, if you had a child or children as well it would be much worse, and you couldn't just get your dad to pick you up if you felt overwhelmed.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 27/01/2025 23:07

Allelbowsandtoes · 27/01/2025 20:56

  1. Fuck him off pronto.
  2. I presume you're in first year of a nursing degree? From someone who's been there I'd really really recommend moving back to your Uni town to cut down on your commute. If you think you're tired now wait until you're doing 12 week placements.
  3. Make sure you fuck him all the way off

🖤 good luck with it all OP and well done for standing up for yourself

This 100%, and if you give way, move back and sleep with him again, for goodness sake check your contraception is as good as possible!

AnniesMother · 27/01/2025 23:07

Sack him off OP if he can be this cruel he will certainly not suddenly be a good partner and dad

chattyness · 27/01/2025 23:09

He's a selfish & manipulating arsehole, get rid of him, he'll only get worse

Dollshousedolly · 27/01/2025 23:10

Stay with your Dad while you are doing the placement and on your Uni days, if you decide you stay in a relationship with this man-child. But you’ll be happier ending the relationship longer term.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/01/2025 23:10

Take the advice from all the posters here.

Personally I can't believe you would even consider having a child with him for a long long time, you need to sort your career first !

sandyhappypeople · 27/01/2025 23:12

This is a taster of what life would be like with kids.. absolutely full on and absolutely no help from him at all.

You will not regret deciding to leave.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/01/2025 23:15

The only time you should go back is to pick your stuff up. Then run for the hills

MrsMillyFluff · 27/01/2025 23:20

Please leave this waste of space! Things won't improve, you deserve better. If he can't see how his behaviour is now, he most certainly won't when you're struggling with a child and he has his "needs"

Smokesandeats · 27/01/2025 23:21

I agree that you need to leave this man. He isn’t supportive, kind or respectful towards you and you deserve much better.

treesocks23 · 27/01/2025 23:21

ZanyPlumExpert · 27/01/2025 20:44

We’re a couple in an our 20s living together. No kids yet but we were tentatively planning to start trying for a baby next year, but I am now reconsidering after becoming disillusioned by my partner’s laziness. If you’re wondering why I’m on Mumsnet when I have no kids, it’s because I often come across it when Googling stuff and I’ve found it to be a really helpful community.

Anyway, here is the situation. I’m in my second year of uni as a mature student in a full-on healthcare degree which involves being in uni 4 days a week, and I also have to work 8 hour shifts Saturday and Sunday due to the cost of living, so I usually am only off on Wednesday’s when I have to meal-prep, clean the house, do the big shop etc etc. I also moved an hour away from my university in order to be with my partner and don’t drive (I have dyspraxia and feel it isn’t safe for me to drive), so have a 3 hour commute on public transport each way to get to uni, meaning that I leave the house at 6am and get home at 7pm when I am in uni. My partner works 4-on-4-off doing 12 hour shifts in a very physical high responsibility job. On his 4 days off he enjoys the gym and going to a boxing club.

When I’m on a uni placement, I lose my Wednesday day off as placement is 9-5 Monday to Friday, it’s meant to emulate what a full-time job in the field would be like. I could not get a placement near to home, only near to my uni, so I’m still doing the 3 hour commute each way and leave the house at 6am and get back at 8pm. I am, as you can imagine, absolutely fucked. I’m 3 weeks into the 6 week placement and I have been on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I’m run down and have had a cold for 2 weeks straight, I’ve been spending fortune on coffees and fast-food because I don’t have the fucking time to do anything. On the weekends I’m working in retail and getting shouted and screamed at by customers.

My partner has still been expecting me to meal prep after my weekend shifts so we have food throughout the week. He is “traditional” and likes me to cook for him, and as he’s big on health, he hates when I eat fast food, and he moans if I order takeaways when I’m shattered. Last Thursday I came home and had a nervous breakdown, I got home at 8pm (he was enjoying his 3rd day off out of 4) and he requested me to make lasagne. It was 8pm ffs and I had to leave the house at 6am the next day! I’d also had a really draining day involving an upsetting situation with a child patient where I’d had to get involved with a safeguarding report. I told him to fuck off and said he could have cooked, I got a load of excuses that he doesn’t like cooking, blah blah blah, he isn’t good at it, blah blah blah. I said if he at least tried, I’d be happy. The next day (last Friday) I got home and he had made a “bolognaise” which was literally mince and tinned tomatoes, no other ingredients. The mince was pink and he hadn’t done any pasta, he wanted me to do that. I lost it and phoned my dad (who is based in the city where my uni is) to come and pick me up, and I’ve been there ever since.

He has been grovelling over the phone but I don’t want to go back. I am absolutely exhausted. I still have 3 weeks to go of this placement and nothing will be different, I will end up getting seriously ill from the stress I think. My period is 3 weeks late (deffo not pregnant, tested negative, it’s stress related). I am reconsidering the entire relationship and am terrified to have a baby with him, as I don’t think he’ll do anything to help. During my meltdown I told him I wanted to quit uni and get a normal 9-5 job so I could have my weekends back and cook for him like he wants, and he says no because I’ll earn better when I graduate!!!! He wants it all ways.

I know I’m not in the wrong but I need some hand-holding I think. Surely I’m not unreasonable to expect my partner to cook on his days off when I work 6 weeks in a row without a day off, especially when 5 days a week I’m commuting 3-hours each way?

There's so often a big influx of people on here that are so quick to say 'leave him' and I can often see both sides or the complexity of the situation, kids involved etc.

This situation is the first where I would 100% say you need to leave him. You are too young to be in this situation and it will only get worse. You have no ties to him. This is not a two way relationship. You're being treated like a live in chef. cleaner etc

Can you move in with your Dad whilst you finish uni and be much closer? This will take the stress of massively from the commute etc.

Please look after yourself x

WulyJmpr · 27/01/2025 23:22

He wants you to be his houseslave. It will get much worse with a baby as he will disappear off in the evenings to avoid witching hour and feeds.

LuckyAnt · 27/01/2025 23:22

You've given yourself a great gift in getting away from his man, and in not getting pregnant by him. Please don't throw that gift away.

End this relationship now; do not let him talk you round. Otherwise all the things that you're finding intolerable and life-blighting now will become your permanent norm – what an awful, miserable existence.

You're so lucky that you have your dad's place to stay. Make the most of that, and start getting your life back on track, away from this deeply selfish man.

HellofromJohnCraven · 27/01/2025 23:22

Stay at your Dad's.
Set your standard higher.

HateMyselfToo · 27/01/2025 23:23

If you can't handle breaking up with him now, with all the other stuff going on, just tell him you're staying at your Dad's for the duration of your placement.

THEN leave. He won't get better.
The situation will be so much worse if you have a child with him too and you'll be tied to him for life then.

You've outgrown him.

cherish123 · 27/01/2025 23:25

You need to dump him.

Bearhunt468 · 27/01/2025 23:32

Do not continue this relationship, please just focus on your studies to get a good career behind you. Your young, you have time to have kids, you don't need to settle now with a lazy person like him for having kids. Find the right person who supports you!

cannynotsay · 27/01/2025 23:33

Honestly if you don't do it for him someone else will. And he'll find that someone so leave him now, never go back! He's a child that was to be babied. So proud you already left.
Don't got back

ConstructionTime · 27/01/2025 23:35

TreeSquirrel · 27/01/2025 20:52

Your DP sounds like a nightmare, but equally a 6 hour round-trip commute is bonkers and is never going to work even if he cooks all meals.

At a minimum, I’d be moving to your university town for the duration of this placement and probably for as long as your degree lasts.

The current arrangement is totally unsustainable and you are going to end up in no fit state to study or work properly. I’d be prioritising your education and future over your ‘D’P.

Yes
Prioritize your education; if you can, stay with your family nearer to university, actually I would have done that for the placement even if home life was ok, just for the practicality and more sleep.
Get your stuff and make sure he does not destroy anything out of spite.

If you can, ask your family if you can stay there for a while and possibly give them rent later when you finished with the degree (if they require rent), so that you do not have additional costs now and can take a breather, and also don't have to run around looking for a different place in the middle of everything.

Just try to get through your placement with as much rest as possible now.

After the placement, you can think of long term solutions, but his treatment is pretty terrible and you are disadvantaging yourself with moving so far away; your future is important.

MumWifeOther · 27/01/2025 23:35

ZanyPlumExpert · 27/01/2025 20:44

We’re a couple in an our 20s living together. No kids yet but we were tentatively planning to start trying for a baby next year, but I am now reconsidering after becoming disillusioned by my partner’s laziness. If you’re wondering why I’m on Mumsnet when I have no kids, it’s because I often come across it when Googling stuff and I’ve found it to be a really helpful community.

Anyway, here is the situation. I’m in my second year of uni as a mature student in a full-on healthcare degree which involves being in uni 4 days a week, and I also have to work 8 hour shifts Saturday and Sunday due to the cost of living, so I usually am only off on Wednesday’s when I have to meal-prep, clean the house, do the big shop etc etc. I also moved an hour away from my university in order to be with my partner and don’t drive (I have dyspraxia and feel it isn’t safe for me to drive), so have a 3 hour commute on public transport each way to get to uni, meaning that I leave the house at 6am and get home at 7pm when I am in uni. My partner works 4-on-4-off doing 12 hour shifts in a very physical high responsibility job. On his 4 days off he enjoys the gym and going to a boxing club.

When I’m on a uni placement, I lose my Wednesday day off as placement is 9-5 Monday to Friday, it’s meant to emulate what a full-time job in the field would be like. I could not get a placement near to home, only near to my uni, so I’m still doing the 3 hour commute each way and leave the house at 6am and get back at 8pm. I am, as you can imagine, absolutely fucked. I’m 3 weeks into the 6 week placement and I have been on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I’m run down and have had a cold for 2 weeks straight, I’ve been spending fortune on coffees and fast-food because I don’t have the fucking time to do anything. On the weekends I’m working in retail and getting shouted and screamed at by customers.

My partner has still been expecting me to meal prep after my weekend shifts so we have food throughout the week. He is “traditional” and likes me to cook for him, and as he’s big on health, he hates when I eat fast food, and he moans if I order takeaways when I’m shattered. Last Thursday I came home and had a nervous breakdown, I got home at 8pm (he was enjoying his 3rd day off out of 4) and he requested me to make lasagne. It was 8pm ffs and I had to leave the house at 6am the next day! I’d also had a really draining day involving an upsetting situation with a child patient where I’d had to get involved with a safeguarding report. I told him to fuck off and said he could have cooked, I got a load of excuses that he doesn’t like cooking, blah blah blah, he isn’t good at it, blah blah blah. I said if he at least tried, I’d be happy. The next day (last Friday) I got home and he had made a “bolognaise” which was literally mince and tinned tomatoes, no other ingredients. The mince was pink and he hadn’t done any pasta, he wanted me to do that. I lost it and phoned my dad (who is based in the city where my uni is) to come and pick me up, and I’ve been there ever since.

He has been grovelling over the phone but I don’t want to go back. I am absolutely exhausted. I still have 3 weeks to go of this placement and nothing will be different, I will end up getting seriously ill from the stress I think. My period is 3 weeks late (deffo not pregnant, tested negative, it’s stress related). I am reconsidering the entire relationship and am terrified to have a baby with him, as I don’t think he’ll do anything to help. During my meltdown I told him I wanted to quit uni and get a normal 9-5 job so I could have my weekends back and cook for him like he wants, and he says no because I’ll earn better when I graduate!!!! He wants it all ways.

I know I’m not in the wrong but I need some hand-holding I think. Surely I’m not unreasonable to expect my partner to cook on his days off when I work 6 weeks in a row without a day off, especially when 5 days a week I’m commuting 3-hours each way?

He wants a house wife / skivvy but also wants her to go to graduate to get a high paying job to contribute because he can’t afford the lifestyle he wants?

Tell him to fuck off.