To not cook for DP when I’m working 6 weeks in a row without a single day off and a 6 hour commute?

[ZanyPlumExpert]

We’re a couple in an our 20s living together. No kids yet but we were tentatively planning to start trying for a baby next year, but I am now reconsidering after becoming disillusioned by my partner’s laziness. If you’re wondering why I’m on Mumsnet when I have no kids, it’s because I often come across it when Googling stuff and I’ve found it to be a really helpful community.

Anyway, here is the situation. I’m in my second year of uni as a mature student in a full-on healthcare degree which involves being in uni 4 days a week, and I also have to work 8 hour shifts Saturday and Sunday due to the cost of living, so I usually am only off on Wednesday’s when I have to meal-prep, clean the house, do the big shop etc etc. I also moved an hour away from my university in order to be with my partner and don’t drive (I have dyspraxia and feel it isn’t safe for me to drive), so have a 3 hour commute on public transport each way to get to uni, meaning that I leave the house at 6am and get home at 7pm when I am in uni. My partner works 4-on-4-off doing 12 hour shifts in a very physical high responsibility job. On his 4 days off he enjoys the gym and going to a boxing club.

When I’m on a uni placement, I lose my Wednesday day off as placement is 9-5 Monday to Friday, it’s meant to emulate what a full-time job in the field would be like. I could not get a placement near to home, only near to my uni, so I’m still doing the 3 hour commute each way and leave the house at 6am and get back at 8pm. I am, as you can imagine, absolutely fucked. I’m 3 weeks into the 6 week placement and I have been on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I’m run down and have had a cold for 2 weeks straight, I’ve been spending fortune on coffees and fast-food because I don’t have the fucking time to do anything. On the weekends I’m working in retail and getting shouted and screamed at by customers.

My partner has still been expecting me to meal prep after my weekend shifts so we have food throughout the week. He is “traditional” and likes me to cook for him, and as he’s big on health, he hates when I eat fast food, and he moans if I order takeaways when I’m shattered. Last Thursday I came home and had a nervous breakdown, I got home at 8pm (he was enjoying his 3rd day off out of 4) and he requested me to make lasagne. It was 8pm ffs and I had to leave the house at 6am the next day! I’d also had a really draining day involving an upsetting situation with a child patient where I’d had to get involved with a safeguarding report. I told him to fuck off and said he could have cooked, I got a load of excuses that he doesn’t like cooking, blah blah blah, he isn’t good at it, blah blah blah. I said if he at least tried, I’d be happy. The next day (last Friday) I got home and he had made a “bolognaise” which was literally mince and tinned tomatoes, no other ingredients. The mince was pink and he hadn’t done any pasta, he wanted me to do that. I lost it and phoned my dad (who is based in the city where my uni is) to come and pick me up, and I’ve been there ever since.

He has been grovelling over the phone but I don’t want to go back. I am absolutely exhausted. I still have 3 weeks to go of this placement and nothing will be different, I will end up getting seriously ill from the stress I think. My period is 3 weeks late (deffo not pregnant, tested negative, it’s stress related). I am reconsidering the entire relationship and am terrified to have a baby with him, as I don’t think he’ll do anything to help. During my meltdown I told him I wanted to quit uni and get a normal 9-5 job so I could have my weekends back and cook for him like he wants, and he says no because I’ll earn better when I graduate!!!! He wants it all ways.

I know I’m not in the wrong but I need some hand-holding I think. Surely I’m not unreasonable to expect my partner to cook on his days off when I work 6 weeks in a row without a day off, especially when 5 days a week I’m commuting 3-hours each way?

I have only read the OP's posts so forgive me if I am repeating what many wise PPs have already said, but OMG OP, take up your dad's offer and DO NOT go back to this lazy, draining, cheeky fucker, cock-lodging man.

You sound exhausted. Just reading the list of your studying, working, training, placements and assignments made me feel physically tired, and tot op it off you are commuting so far. I think you are absolutely right to take a break and lighten your load. You cannot do anything well if you are stretched so thin and in survival mode.

Your partner also sounds (at best) entirely oblivious, or (at worst, and more likely) a dangerous man who will grind you down and wring you dry emotionally and physically. "Traditional" is just a cover word for you working while he stands on your back as you drown. Only very, very high earners can afford to have a "traditional" home/work set up, and many men from "traditional" cultures don't actually fall into the role of putting their feet up while their partner runs themselves ragged.

You are completely overwhelmed right now, and this sounds patronising, but you are so young, you have so much time and so many opportunities to make life choices. You don't need to think long-term about marriage and kids yet, even if these are things you would like. You can think mid-term, and think about how you can best get through your training without breaking yourself in half. FWIW, I think that living rent-free with you dad and giving up the reatil job is the quickest, most efficient way to do this. It would cut out your commute and give you more time for rest, assignments and self-care, while also absolutely removing this absolute BULLSHIT of spoon-feeding a fully-capable lazy fuckboy.

At 26 at qualification, you will ABSOLUTELY NOT be past it in terms of dating, relationships, marriage and/or kids. And with any luck you'll meet someone who meets you halfway. Someone who throws a pizza in the oven, gives you a hug after a long/tough day, someone who says "I'll sort the big shop, you've got too much on". And don't even get me started on "your legs aren't shaved" - he can fuck off to the far side of fuck and keep going on that one.

Why live with a man in your 20s? Literally the "best" years of your life!

Please don’t have a baby with this man. You’ll
spend your life tidying up after him and the children, resentful forever.

Your future children need a good male role model who teaches them to be an equal contributor to the family, not this waste of space.

Also please don't quit your degree and give up all your career dreams so that you can go and be his skivvy !
the reason you are exhausted is not because of your studies, it's because you are running around doing everything. Cut out this waster and stay with your dad, I guarantee in a month you will feel better and be thinking much more clearly. You'll have 3 extra hours per day free for starters.

Sounds similar to my ex, although he was a good cook. I was a nursing student doing similar to you; uni or placement all week, then working weekends. He would was a serial job hopper who quit the second something didn’t go his way. Then sat around smoking weed and gaming, while complaining I didn’t give him enough attention. Would sulk if I didn’t want to go out for drinks when it suited him. I would get a string of tests with sad face emojis asking if he had done something wrong. Knowing full well I didn’t have the energy to go out after work; like you I was up at 5am and not getting back until 8:30pm, doing 12.5 hour clinical shifts. Whereas on the odd occasion he kept a job down, he was always finished by 5.

Binning him was the best thing I ever did.

I am having a baby solo with a donor now and couldn’t be happier. Have my own house (he house shared and had no assets), a good career, and I’m not held back by a lazy man child.

You're quite right to be furious. You're better off without him. At least he's already shown who he is now and not waiting until you'd had children together. Don't believe a word of it if he says he'll change etc..

It's not going to get better having a child. Leave him. Move closer to uni and placement. Investigate whether driving really isn't an option properly not just 'what you feel'

OP, can I ask please, have you made up your mind NOT to go back to this man, or are you still open to persuasion?

This is how your life will be if you stay with this jeb end.

When people tell you who and what they are by their own actions, listen.

I have a granddaughter a couple of years younger than you ZanyPlumExpert.
I would be devastated if she entered into a relationship with someone like your partner. You’re so stuck in the mire of his lazy, selfish behaviour that you can’t seem to see how downtrodden you are.

He doesn’t deserve you. You’re working so hard and planning for your future. Please don’t let your future include this useless shit as he’ll be millstone round your neck.

Accept your Dad’s help and listen to his advice. Hopefully once you are apart from your useless partner you’ll realise how much he was dragging you down.

Wishing you all the best with your studies and future life. It can be amazing if you make a clean break from this guy 💐

Don't go back. Please. This man will never respect or look after you. Please do not even debate going back. You are young. Your whole life is ahead of you and this person will wear you down to nothing. He is lazy, misogynistic, critical, uncaring and very selfish. Finish your degree and the world is your oyster. You are way, way too good for him.

You know you're not being unreasonable. If you have a baby you'll be back on here in two years complaining about being effectively a single mother and it will be 20x harder to leave.

That’s wonderful! Best news. Take your time. Finish your uni course in a strong place without the added pressure of the part time job.

Could you look in to freezing your eggs if fertility is a concern?

A partner is supposed to lift you when you can't give 100% (it works both ways). He isn't a partner, but you already know this.

Imagine the relief you'll feel, living closer to uni and placement, at your dads. Without the stress of carrying a man that doesn't support you, finances, and working around the clock, your life is going to change.

Enjoy some peace today, and then get rid and focus on your studies. Mental health is a priority and it sounds like your work can be tough, so you need home to be a sanctity.

Since murder is illegal leaving him and sharing what a sexist pig he is with everyone will have to be good enough. Gosh I’m sorry, let this be a warning to avoid such ‘traditional’ men in future as it doesn’t have any positive connotations.

@ZanyPlumExpert my females have early menopause, you can have blood tests to see where you are with this. don't panic into breeding with this low life

I really hope you are enjoying today and resting, enjoying your bath and eating well. Hopefully a good sleep and look g after yourself will remind you of your worth and that you can do SO MUCH BETTER than your selfish, useless DP.
If he was really the one for you then he would see you struggling, see how hard you are working and WANT to cook for you and help you as much as he can…..the fact he doesn’t tells you everything you need to know! Stay at your dads, finish Uni and find yourself a caring partner. Xx

It's really upsetting to walk away from a relationship, but I definitely would not go back to him, he's grovelling because you were doing everything and cooking him his meals! I was with a guy like this when I was 19 until I was 22, so just a kid really and I turned into a little housewife that he moulded me to be. I ironed his shirts, made his sandwiches for work, cooked most meals, got myself into debt trying to keep up with paying his mortgage, ran myself into the ground working 2 jobs so I could pay for our food shops. He repaid me by cheating on me and treating me like total shit. Do not have a baby with this man!! He will expect you to be up cooking his meals the day you get home from hospital.

In that case halve the mince and bulk it out with red lentils. Bin off the bolognese sauce and buy an onion and a couple of large carrots instead. Freeze the other half of the mince and use it next time when you'll have enough money to buy some garlic and celery as well as the carrots and onion.

Stay away from this person for ever. You won't realise quite how right your decision to leave was until you meet someone who treats you right.

Please stay at your Dad's - don't go back to your boyfriend's place - apart from anything else, even in the short term, it makes much more sense to minimise your commute, leaving more time to focus on your uni assignments and more importantly, look after your health. Otherwise, you will end up ill and jeopardise uni.

This will also allow you some time to think about what you want from a relationship. What is he actually bringing to the relationship?

Don't give up uni, especially not for him, but that should be your choice and not his.

Longer term, the warnings are already there and this experience has given you a taste of what life will be like with him if you have do have a baby together. It's unlikely he will change as he is oblivious to what you need and is choosing to not only ignore but also add to the stress you're under by not even doing his share of housework and cooking, let alone doing more on his days off to ease things for you.

He is an incredibly selfish person - you said he wasn't like this before, but it seems as if he is showing his true colours now and is not treating you with the love and respect you deserve.

The phrase "when people show you who they are, believe them" is appropriate here.

Having read all your posts, I have to ask what's in this relationship for you? It sounds like he gets a lot out of it but I'm failing to see any benefits for you.

Oh sweetheart you must be exhausted!! Please know you’re doing amazing and please don’t give up, there’s really not long to go until you graduate.

I never really give this advice, but you need to leave this “man”. It’s funny how men are only ever “traditional” when it comes to the woman’s role. Where the traditions of the men covering 100% of the household bills and living expenses?!

You can do better than this person, I hope you know that, and to mirror some comments above, PLEASE do not have a baby with this man. Stay with your Dad, let him take care of you and hopefully show you a good example of how you should be cared for. Plus the bonus of no rent, yes please!!

Enjoy your day off!!

1. Well done on removing yourself from the toxic situation.
2. Do not go back - this will not change, it is weaponised incompetence.
3. Who the fuck voted YABU?

Leave him. Go back to your Dad's until you can find somewhere nearer uni. Living 3 hours away was never going to work, even without this man being a prick.

Do NOT have a baby with him.