Parents moving to another country

[ArtfulDenimTraybake]

Anyone got experience of your parents selling up and moving abroad? Leaving children and grandchildren behind. 12 hr flight away. They’re excited to start a new chapter in their life. We’re happy for them but feel devastated not to have them in our lives on a day to day basis. We don’t use them for babysitting. So it’s not that.

Yes. Not 12 hour flight though, a 3 hour flight away. We went from seeing them most weeks to a week at theirs and a week at ours each year. Our DC were mid-late teens when DM emigrated so they did already have a good relationship with her so they would WhatsApp and went alone a couple of times.

It’s a lot easier to keep in touch now with FaceTime etc, but i did really miss just popping in to see DM or go out for lunch etc. Sadly she is no longer with us which is even worse. Navigating the health system and trying to help from another country was a whole other problem!

Our children are younger. They have hinted that they expect us to visit them.

Can you afford to visit them? Would they pay your travel costs? Normally, I would expect the ones who have moved so far away to do the travelling. Are they moving to somewhere that you would love to visit?

How old are they? What are they doing for money? What happens if they become ill and/or need care? Do they know anyone in the new country?

We are abroad at the moment and have friends who live here. The man is in hospital an hours drive away and can only tolerate a short visit. Lady has now fallen and can't visit him. Neither speak the language of the country they are in. It's really really difficult. We are glad now we decided not to emigrate.

In their 60’s. Hoping to property develop. No health care.

We can afford to visit - but not every year. No they will not be paying. Yes it’s a nice destination

People who never factored in healthcare are just plain stupid.

I know several people whose parents have moved abroad. It will be hard at first but eventually you will get used to a new normal without them being around. If your kids have a good relationship with them then make sure you do regular FaceTime with them, make it a weekly occurrence.
Regarding visiting, honestly, it doesn’t matter what their expectations are. You do what’s right for you and your family. 12 hours away is a long time for young kids on a plane, and possibly quite expensive, so it may be you only get to see them every 3/4 years. They will have to accept that fact, or fly back here more regularly.

I know a few people who have emigrated as retirees, but they have all returned after 3, 5, 10 years. I think ultimately being a retiree is quite a lonely experience in a new country because you have missed the opportunity to make friends when most people usually do. Of course it can be successful, but there's no guarantee.

I would assume they would return at some point.

my parents lived a seven hour flight away from their respective families and I moved the same from mine. So it’s pretty normal for me to live far away.

I think there's two factors, the being sad at the distance and the worry that it's not a good idea. I'd be less sad about the distance if it was a well thought out move that would make them happy, I understand being concerned about that they haven't planned for needing healthcare.

I’d be nipping that expectation of travelling to visit them in the bud. ‘12 hours on a plane with two kids, maybe every few years. We can FaceTime.’ Just highlight how it will be. No support from you as they age. Navigating an unfamiliar healthcare service/insurance/pension issues. Do they have experience in property development? Have they just watched too much escape to the country?

The “no healthcare” is a seriously risky strategy, presumably they assume they will come back to the UK if they need healthcare but it really doesn’t work out like that

Which country? DH Father retired to Spain but he spoke okay Spanish and had healthcare sorted. Plus it was cheap and quite quick to get there and he came back a lot with us popping over occasionally, DH would go over alone sometimes for a long weekend, think it was only 2.5 hour flight. He became a resident and could manage to understand all the paperwork. If they want to property develop and don’t speak the local language properly then I would say they are a bit stupid quite frankly.

My parents moved a 22 hour flight away from their parents, so it's normal in our family for everyone to live far apart.

I would be upset, but we're very close to my family and see each other multiple times a month, the relationship has only strengthened since we had our first child.
Interestingly it was always my mums dream to retire in cost rica (she's never even visited) but after we had our child she dropped all plans for that and says she can't possibly imagine being far away and not having the relationship with her grandchild.
But that might be influenced by the fact that my husbands family live abroad so we only see them every 1-2 years and the difference in relationship is stark.

Yes. I want to tell you it is fine. But it really wasn't. Particularly during the pandemic. And at the later stages of life.

Is it a country well known to them? If so, then maybe this makes it a more legitimate reason to give it a go, but it doesn't stop the practical reality of not seeing them more than once every few years, not being able to get there quickly if their health deteriorates, and maintaining the relationships. Did the GPs love their DCs and DGCs any less? Of course not and vice versa. But can you keep the quality of relationship going. No.

And moving to a place with no healthcare? Rather them than me. We have just been through this and it was awful. Couldn't even get pain relief in the end.

By all means if they want to do it then you can't stop them. And hopefully they won't stay out there indefinitely. But it is worth a conversation about what they will do in the event of ill health. And check they have cover for repatriation if that is what they want. None of us know what is round the corner.

I'd be nipping in the bud expectations about you visiting.

A close friend of mine had the same experience. Her parents bought a house in Turks & Caicos, the journey from the UK required 2 flights costing 5k return in economy for a family of 4. Obviously my friend and her brother each visited ONCE with their own families, in like 7 years. When the guilt tripping was obviously not working, they had to sell up and move back to the UK. They actually made a loss as properties in the Carribean need a lot of upkeep.

Your parents are adults. They need to learn their life lessons the hard way. But I'd make it clear you're not visiting much.