Friend overtaking my life

[ctk496]

I had to name chnage for this and I micth bs being really bitter but I have a friend who im very close to but trying to distance from due to her life centering around men. This weekend a friend is coming down from Scotland I live aboyt 8 hours away and I mentioned I was going out with said friend. My other friend then adds her and asks to come and it as she is alone. So now other friend is coming although they have never met. It seems really silly but I was so excited for a weekend out (I get 5 child free nighst a year) with a old friend and now I'm going to have to spend it juggling as I know the two aren't even close.

This is after she met with my cousin )they also had never met but she has fallen out with all her friends so just messaged off social media) last weekend after crying to him that she was really and having anxiety (the man she was talking to had stood her up!)

I genuinely really like this friend but she uses nights out to invite guys and then if the guy isn't what she expects or doesn't show up she will go silent want to leave or just go mute.

We were best friends for years untill she did this at a funrwal and since I've been distancing and the more I distance the more she seems to be there 🤣

I feel so mean writing this and im kind of hoping for advice on it might be fun because im autistic and plans changing does really effect me.

I genuinely really like this friend

You don't, though.

But if you don't want to go out with your friend and the visiting friend, don't. Why didn't you just say no, you want to catch up solo with visiting friend? How did the local friend get the contact details for your visiting friend?

I do we used to do everything together but she can't go anywhere without inviting a man including zoo with her kids things like that and I wanted a girls night and I know she will invite men

So why did you tell her she could come? This makes no sense!

Because she found her on Facebook and said I'm excited to see you!!

So tell her she's not invited!

I meant in a come to the pub after way but she messaged her on Facebook to be there the whole time so I won't get anytime with my Scotland friend who I haven't seen in years. Which is probably my bigger issue but above that it's the men she invited two men to a funeral well kne funeral one wake and I don't care what she does in her spare time but mine is sooo limited and I've just left a very abusive relationship and just can't deal with following men around. I know it's a silly thread just wanted a rant

You can say “sorry Clingy, I want to catch up with Scotty one on one. But we’ll meet you for a drink after.”

Tell her! Don’t just let her crash your plans.

Good lord stop being such a wet blanket!

Send her this "Hi friend! I know we made plans to go out together but I've been really excited to catch up with Scotty alone because we don't see each other often! Will see you on xxx instead"

I'd tell her, I'm sorry but I wanted it just to be me and my mate 1 to 1 to catch up. Be more assertive.

Why do you tell her thibgs and plans when you know what she is like

Tell her she's not invited and stop advertising what your plans are on fb.

How rude of this woman!

What if Scotty had some devastating news she wanted to talk through with you? A dying relative? A medical scare? Harrassment at work? A miscarriage? A problem with her children? How dare Clingy gatecrash?

Tell her no, or your friends are going to stop making plans with you.

You really have to say no to this one - it's so unfair on your Scottish friend to just add a plus one she has never met! I know you didn't choose to add the plus one, but you can choose to allow it or to decline it.

Yeah this is weird, how she feels she can just invite herself, if I was the Scottish person I'd be feeling a bit bummed that I'm having to meet new folk when I really just want to see my mate.
You need to be diplomatic and say I'm not coming out that day/night, I have a lot of things to
Discuss with Scottish and need some time alone with her. We can maybe see you this day before she leaves to say quick hi, if she moans then u need to say soz but u invited yourself without asking if u had asked i would have told you thins so you know im not available this weekend .
If you don't, your weekend will be crap juggling them both and it will prob put ur Scottish pal right off coming down if she really is coming to spend time with you to catch up etc

Use your words and do what you want - say it’s not happening!

I think there are 2 issues here:

• She’s gatecrashing your meet-up with Scotty (who she doesn’t know)

It’s not too late to say No, I am going to meet Scotty on my own. You need to be clear that you’re doing something without her.

• She has a habit of dumping men, meeting them at what you consider inappropriate places?? It’s not really clear to me what’s happening with the men, but I also don’t understand how this is any of your business?? You might disapprove of how she treats men, but it’s her life.

That’s just odd, can you explain to the Scottish friend and say you just want to spend time with her, then tell annoying friend that Scottish friend has decided not to come down after all and just spend time with Scottish friend

Honestly I would tell a white lie and say Scottish friend has some things she wants to chat with you about so you’d rather it was just you on this occasion. Then raise the ‘inviting men’ issue another time, say you just want to see her and feel like you’re not enough when she invites strange men along.

If I were your Scottish friend, I would quite possibly have cancelled coming to see you, if some random person that I didn't know contacted me out of the blue on FaceBook, and told me she was looking forward to seeing me! Seriously OP, your friend who lives local to you, is WEIRD!! This is NOT normal behaviour.

I would Imagine Scottish friend has only agreed to her coming along to be polite, and that if you tell her that actually, you don't want local friend to come along, she might be relieved and reveal she actually doesn't either!
Then, you both simply inform local friend that actually, you just want to meet up one on one for proper bonding catch up time, without her there. Do not use the word "sorry" when telling her this, as that implies you are the ones who are in the wrong for recinding her invite, when actually, neither of you had extended her one in the first place. She rudely invited herself not only by not asking you, but by bombarding Scottish friend she barely even knows.

You need to put boundaries in place with this friend now, or she will walk all over you, and you will grow to resent her. Being firm with her is the only way to actually protect your friendship. If in future she shows up with a random man in tow to a planned meet up, tell her immediately that you are not comfortable continuing with your plans with this random man tagging along. Give her the options that either he leaves, and you go ahead with your plans, or if she refuses to send him packing, that you will leave. Do not let going ahead with plans with the male still tagging along be an available option. If she stands her ground and refuses to ask him to leave, then follow through and leave the meet up yourself.

I used to arrange to see and friend and every time without fail there would be another person there. She didn't just do it to me she did it to everyone. It is really annoying when you agree to one thing and then it gets changed.

Message local person to say you want to see your Scotland friend one on one and you will go out another night with local friend.

Message Scotty friend and say sorry Clingy messaged you - she wasn't invited - I am really looking forward to catching up with you and will let her know it is just us two.

Message Clingy and say - hi - I am meeting Scotty alone - we haven't seen each other for ages and want a good catch up which we can't do if I am acting as middle person explaining things to you both and it is not fair on her. I will see you another time. Additionally , please don't invite yourself along without asking me in future or invite other people too - it is really rude and it stresses me out.

Then go somewhere different to where she thinks you're going in case she has the cheek to turn up/ sees it as a public place.

I once had this when I organised to meet a long-not-seen friend for lunch. The day before he said that he'd invited a work colleague along.

He was clearly killing two birds with one stone, but I told him that either I'd have to listen to their work talk or this man would have to listen to me and friend catching up. I said we could meet another time.