Do I provide context?

[HanaBannna]

6 years ago I had a giant breakdown.
Lots of really odd behaviour. I'll elaborate but not before I explain.

May 2018 DH and I were told getting pregnant was not an issue, I needed a cervical stitch because all our previous miscarriages had been because of me but too early for the stitch.

We decide to give pregnancy one last go and march 2019 we are expecting a baby (after 15 miscarriages). His twin sister is having her wedding in October 2019. Our due date is Christmas Day 2019. We didn't tell anyone because our families 'got used' to us having a miscarriage. We intended to tell everyone in November after wearing baggy clothes etc. When we had got our heads round being pregnant and it being real.

I had the stitch at 12 weeks and although I bled a lot and regularly. I got my head round it. We were having a baby girl.

At 26 weeks and 4 days I woke up covered in blood and delivered our baby girl at home with no chance of survival. DH delivered her in the toilet and she lived for 3 mins. On the 16th of September 2019 our baby was born and died. I spent a week in hospital and we had a very quiet funeral just us. Thinking we'd tell family after the wedding so not to take the shine off the wedding.

In the end we just said we'd had a late miscarriage a couple of Days before te wedding as I was offered wine and accepted it.

We went to the wedding,
I left as soon as the 1st dance happened. Went upstairs to our hotel bedroom sobbed.

Fast forward 6 months later I was diagnosed with postpartum psychosis and was off my head. Seeing and doing all sorts of shit that werent real. Dh and I broke up for a bit so I could focus on being an inpatient. During this period he spent time with his siblings and 3/5 agreed he should divorce him for lying about making cakes. I didn't make them. I paid a bakery to make them but I was convinced I had made them (post partum psychosis)

Fast forward to now and dhs twin sister finds it hilarious that I was so jealous about their wedding that I couldn't find it in me to smile and that they've framed the only usable photo of me (the back of my head) because I have a 'face like a smacked arse'

Because of how unwell and how psychotic i became we never told our family that 16 days before their wedding I gave birth to our baby girl Harriet and if the best thing that happened after their wedding was them finding this photograph of me hysterical then off they can fuck

I thought because I got up, got dressed, put makeup on and turned up I did a good job. Clearly not 🤣

Im so sorry.

yes, I’d provide context.

Yeah I'd tell them. Without context it does sound odd.

Beside the point: your hair is a lovely colour and that dress is really pretty.

their comments about your face in the wedding photos sounds cruel to your ears, but remember they don’t know what you were going through.
Maybe she couldn’t understand why you didn’t get into the spirit of things at her wedding and she’s trying to laugh it off.

If it’s too hard to ‘announce’ it all now, perhaps you find it easier to write it down than talk about it- maybe a letter setting it out like your OP (minus the resentment about their reaction) ?
perhaps your partner could take a lead - are you still together?

who in the family are you closest to?
you need to get this off your chest now as it is creating an unnecessary burden for you, and you are creating a sense of ‘unreality’ (ie the reality is only seen and understood by you and your partner), which can’t be healthy given what you have been through.

I’m so sorry for all your grief and losses. 💐

I am so so sorry for your loss. That must have been absolutely devastating, I can't even imagine. It makes sense that they were confused by your behavior given that they didn't know what had happened. I'd really hope that if they knew what had happened they would have been a lot kinder to you.

I'm sad that your DH hasn't provided context. He can provide the context and stand up for you. I'm so sorry that you lost Harriet, and your other babies. No wonder you struggled after going through all that xx

I'm really really sorry for the pain you have been through and you're still going through. Not sure I would have attended the wedding at all given the grief you had both been through. If they don't understand, they are worth nothing to you and you owe them nothing. In a nutshell "eff them". I hope the light at the end of the tunnel is nearing for you. Xxx

Sorry but why didn't your partner tell them?

I’m so sorry for the loss of Harriet, and all those angels before her. That is incredibly tough. Your DH does need to provide some context. Hopefully they then feel ashamed for judging you not knowing what has gone on. Context is definitely needed if you don’t object to your DH sharing. The fact you went to the wedding at all is amazing OP.

Do they know about the psychosis? They sound deeply unsympathetic with the cakes judgement. I would tell them about Harriet. Explain that attending the wedding was a huge effort for you when you were devastated by your loss. With hindsight perhaps you should have stayed home, but you were trying to be considerate of their feelings and not cause a fuss. If your DH doesn’t back you on this, maybe you’re the one who needs a divorce.

I think you might be right there. He was in shock. We both were: it was like moving through treacle

Fuck knows why we thought that going to a wedding was a good idea!

My god. You really have been through an awful, awful time. I'm not surprised you suffered psychosis, frankly. You've been through some of the worst physical and psychological experiences imaginable. I'm so, so sorry you've had to cope with all this,

Yes, I would absolute provide context. I personally would do so in the strongest and most graphic terms possible, because frankly, your DH's sister's behaviour is cunty as hell even without her knowing what happened to you and she sounds like an absolute cow - but that's just me. Personally, I would expect your DH to step up and have a word with her, either on your behalf or in addition to you.

DHs twin sister is a miserable cunt and there is no excuse of any kind at all for her behaviour re the photo. It's fucking weird behaviour for her to have done this and she clearly dislikes you.

If you feel it is appropriate and you want to tell them you should do so.

But just remember that these are cunty people who didn't give you any leeway for having had a miscarriage, and you are considering giving them very personal information about yourself.

People make the mistake of thinking that most others are sympathetic, compassionate or caring, but many just see mental health issues as weakness or weirdness. I am not saying I feel this way, btw. But I worked in mental health for many years and have heard every comment imaginable from pretty much everyone when the topic came up of me working with people with mental illnesses.

If you want to tell them, knowing they ppossibly won't care and might use this information against you later, that is up to you.

I am very very sorry for what you have been through.