I can't do this anymore

[idontknowwhattodooo]

DD 9 awaiting assessment for ADHD. Awful anger issues, can be violent. Bed time is a real struggle, has melatonin but doesn't always help. She's still awake. I have been bitten, kicked, scratched and punched. Her dad was my abuser. I finally got away from him 6 years ago and now I'm being abused by my own daughter.

I just can't do this anymore. She'd be better off without me.

No she wouldn't. You are her mother. She needs you. You can do it, just not alone. You need support and guidance. Reach out to your daughter's school, your GP, CAMHS, social services and any relevant charities in your area. I don't have the right experience so cannot correctly advise you who to contact to get the help you need but hopefully someone else will be able to.

I can't even imagine how hard it is for you. Please take it easy on yourself, you're doing your best and at the moment that's all you can do. I agree with the other comment please see your GP, you need just as much support as she does so please try and get it.

What you're dealing with sounds absolutely terrible, very stressful and painful.

She's not abusing you, she's only nine, sounds like she's struggling and unable to cope.

I'm sorry it's so hard

She needs her mum. You need some support because parenting a ND child is tough. Are you in contact with local parent/cater organisations? They will be listed on the local offer on your council website and can usually give you some support - peer support, counselling, parenting courses etc. Just venting to someone else that has been through it can be very cathartic.

Please tell all of what you wrote down there to a professional. Speak to your GP.
your daughter wouldn’t be better off without you, you are having a hard day and feeling crappy. It doesn’t always feel like this. Ask for help.
have a bath and cry it out, relax and rest 🤍

She desperately needs you and cannot show you. You aren't doing anything wrong and you need to hang on for support. You are doing the right thing posting here and try to tell people in real life how you feel, friends, family, GP, local support groups - tell them how hard it is.

I just wanted to offer a handhold really, it must be so hard.

Any mileage in abandoning trying to get her to sleep tonight and instead both of you watching something in bed together with a warm drink and hoping sleepiness sort of sneaks up on her?!

She'll definitely be better off without me. I can't cope anymore. People say they're here to support me but, in reality, no one is here. School have taken 3 years to send the referral. We've had a support worker and that came to an end. I'm peri menopausal so not in a great place myself. She's getting bigger every day and I just know that one day she'll put me in hospital.

Op get in touch with PEGS UK

https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/

💐

No advice but reading this breaks my heart 💔. Hopefully you'll find all the help and the support you need. It must be so tough for you.

It must be so difficult for you, but never lose sight of the fact that you’re her mother, and she needs you. Sometimes it helps to remember that children are least lovable when they most need love. It’s hard and I can understand that you’re at the end of your tether, but you need support in order to help your DD and there are agencies out there that will help you (even if it takes time). Do you have any family or friends who could help you? I do understand how difficult it is for you, and clearly you need help, but in spite of everything, your daughter does need you.

Can you do something crazy like home school for 6 months and stop fighting over bed time? Like letting her sleep when she wants and get up when she wants? Her system is clearly on overdrive and not letting her sleep, and she needs to totally decompress

I don’t know what to suggest. I wish I could help you 🤍 it can get better and it does, I know from experience. Keep fighting for her to get what she and you both need

Oh OP! This sounds so so so tough. I promise you she would absolutely be worse off without you - she needs you desperately. Please tell your GP exactly what you've said here.

Could you speak to social services/Gp to ask for respite care? I know someone who does this on the weekends to give families a break.

Please call your gp practice at 8 and show them your post. They must support you. Please let us know tomorrow that you have, then have been to an appointment x

I wish I could. I'm a single parent, working full time to pay the mortgage. Not working isn't an option.

Hi @idontknowwhattodooo
this sounds so hard and I really feel for you.
in addition to some of the other great advice and contacting Pegs - I recommend trying to get yourself a bit better in the very short term.
Can you go to GP and get help with menopause? The symptoms can be quite debilitating and increase your anxiety and also your ability to keep calm.
Do have anytime to do any exercise to try and help your focus? (At difficult times with my daughter - we used to do YouTube Just Dance videos together in front of the tv - exercise and bonding).
this may help you gain some strength to get help for your daughter?

wish you lots of luck xx

I contacted them before Xmas. I got a 6 minute phone call with one of their MH practitioners and a change in antidepressants.

Could you keep a note of what she is eating? Gluten, artificial colours and artificial flavourings all send my son crazy. He is an adult now, autistic with severe learning difficulties and non-verbal, so he cant say what it feels like to him. We worked it out when he was young. When he was little, if anyone gave him a normal biscuit, for instance, they would often end up being bitten. He lives in a care home now, and the staff have learnt what he can have - painfully!

@idontknowwhattodooo i understand and it is so tough. When you get the assessment you and her can get the support she needs. Sorry it’s so incredibly tough and people just don’t understand.

Can the doctor sign you off work for 3 months on stress leave? I don’t know if that’s still a thing. Can you switch to wfh so you can be home during the day? Your daughter would probably be sleeping all day meaning you could work.

I am in a similar position with my 9 year old daughter. I can't offer you any advice as I feel like I have failed as a parent, but I know how you feel. My daughter has now gone to live with her dad as I couldn't cope with her anymore. My dd constantly says cruel things to me, doesn't accept consequences of her actions, gets really angry if she doesn't get her own way, will throw things around, kick things, refuses to help with anything or clean up after herself. She's very manipulative, plays friends off against each other and uses bullying tactics. She can be lovely but just flips regularly and displays no empathy for me or other people. I'm honestly ashamed of her and don't like her anymore. I've tried to get help from social services, doctors, the childrens team at my local women's aid (i left my previous relationship as her and my partner weren't getting on.) I've been told that for ADHD/autism assessment she has to be referred by her school. They have told me that she has no issues at school. Her dad doesn't want her to be 'labelled' and he denies having any of these issues with her (i know he's lying but thats another story). So I'm left feeling that I am the problem and she's better off not living with me. I also don't feel safe to have her at home now. She tried to push her 4 year old brother down the stairs. I've had the police ring me as I'd slapped her during one horrible episode when she was kicking and shouting at me, she told her support worker at school and they passed it on to the police. I got a lecture and told I should put her in a bedroom on her own if i felt angry - I physically can't move her when she has a meltdown. She also shares a bedroom with her brother and i couldn't leave her alone with him in this situation. They seemed to have no idea, I'm not a clueless parent who doesn't care or hasn't tried very hard. I've successfully raised other children, but she is definitely different.
I've got very limited resources, I'm living in temporary housing. I feel broken and hopeless. People think all you have to do is 'ask for help' and it will magically arrive.

@idontknowwhattodooo for immediate support please contact https://giveusashout.org xx

@fraggiequeen I'm so sorry you're dealing with this too. I also feel like a complete failure and have considered whether it would be better if DD went to live with her dad.