“I Want To Be On My Own!!” AIBU??

[ItsAnOreo]

I grew up in a provincial city. My mum came from a VERY rural area - not even a village - the proper ‘sticks’ iyswim.

Both my parents remained together, they never separated.

When I was around 18 and still living at home - my mum used to announce from time to time

”I just want to go back to rural area she came from

“I WAHT TO BE ON MY OWN!!!!”

For context - I’m an only child, she was a career woman who ALWAYS worked full time - even soon after I was born - and when she came home loved drinking the old ‘Beveragino!!’ - spirits, mainly.

Often had drunken tantrums. For instance in summer of 1990 - her behaviour at home was just one long drunken tantrum!

i think if she’d gone back to the rural area of her birth - it would be great - like a honeymoon period at first - with her maybe getting invited to Sunday tea/lunch at houses of people she knew. All lovely. But after a few weeks at most, she’d be horrifically bored and lonely as the invitations would dry up - and she has no remaining family in the area - both parents dead. She’d be crying on the phone to my Dad blaming him!! 🤣 it reminds me a bit of the lyric in the Status Quo song :

”Smiling Faces As You Wave To Land, But Once You Get There No One Gives A Damn”

The area where she came from is also such that it’s great and pleasant in summer but bleak and VERY isolated in winter. VERY dark - no streetlights and no public transport or EXTREMELY infrequent - and that was circa 1983 !!

I’ve found this phenomenon myself when I had to go to my home town to sort out my late Dad’s house. Lovely chats with his neighbours at first - nice visits to all the lovely new cafes when I first get there. But after this is over - I’m stuck on my own dealing with the shit when I’m out of my depth with no experience of clearing houses. His house was in a massive state of disrepair. That’s lonely and difficult.

AIBU to think her behaviour was disrespectful to me & my Dad?

I don’t understand why you’re stringing this into some kind of narrative.

Your mother had a drink problem, a job, and a longlasting marriage. She also intermittently expressed a desire to move back to her rural origins and be alone.

I’m not sure why you’re so invested in how unsatisfactory you imagine she’d have found moving back to her native place, if she had. Maybe she’d have been happy. You will never know. I once lived, very happily, on an island with no other people at all.

What is this thought process actually about for you?

Sounds like you don't like your mum very much.

I agree with this.
But I think it's pretty clear that your mum saying "I want to move away and be alone" came across as rejection, as "I wish I didn't have a child(you)". Which was very hurtful. No, she shouldn't have said it to you, even if she did want to get away from it all! Obviously it's going to cause you pain.

Mums are not robots. I don’t have a drink problem but sometimes as a single parent I have felt totally desperate and I am sure I haven’t always hidden it very well from my children, who I utterly adore. Unless there was much more going on I’d try to give her a break. This from someone who had a very difficult relationship with their Mum for decades. I know who my Mum is but I love her anyway and I manage my time and relationship with her accordingly.

And this is good advice on handling it - but as for OP it's OK to acknowledge that it hurt you. It's easy for those of us with loving parents who made us feel wanted to judge. It's got to be painful not to have that.

I've not got a drink problem - rarely drink at all.
But have been married nearly 30 years and have two adult kids still living at home. I'm mid 50s and menopausal.

I feel like shouting I w ant to be alone most days at the moment . I don't think it's disrespectful. Maybe my family are being a bit disrespectful by never giving me alone-time.

Doesn't everyone feel like they want to be on their own sometimes? What age would she have been at that point? Full time job, (possibly stroppy) teenage daughter and who knows what her marriage was really like. Was she perimenopausal? I have found my yearning for space, peace and quiet has multiplied since my mid40s.

This reads to me that you are angry that your father is dead and you are having to sort his possessions out on your own. Your anger is being misdirected at your mum for something that was decades ago.

I assume she is also gone now as you refer to your dad's house. I am sorry for your loss and I think you would benefit from some bereavement counselling.

Age = 60

AIBU to think her behaviour was disrespectful to me & my Dad?

I actually think this is disrespectful to your mum:

"i think if she’d gone back to the rural area of her birth - it would be great - like a honeymoon period at first - with her maybe getting invited to Sunday tea/lunch at houses of people she knew. All lovely. But after a few weeks at most, she’d be horrifically bored and lonely as the invitations would dry up - and she has no remaining family in the area - both parents dead. She’d be crying on the phone to my Dad blaming him!! 🤣"

It sounds like you were contemptuous of her. What was wrong with her wanting to go back to the area she came from? It sounds like she was very unhappy as things were.

I think you need to consider that your parents marriage was not a happy one, and, possibly that your dad was to blame as well.

Could your dad have influenced the way you looked at your mum? I know my husband has said things to my children when I've been crying - "ignore her she's making a scene" etc, when he's said awful things to me.

She was already 60 when you were 18? So, an older mother with a full time job still. I would also wonder how much support she has from your father, considering your childhood must have been through 70s/80s, if I am working it out correctly.
Was she exhausted, overwhelmed and drank a bit too much because she wanted an escape?

Yes you’re spot on with the dates of my childhood

I’m stuck on my own dealing with the shit when I’m out of my depth with no experience of clearing houses. His house was in a massive state of disrepair. That’s lonely and difficult.

Honestly I think this is what is really bothering you, and yes it does sound lonely and difficult. Crack on through it and tell the people in your life now that you need a bit of chat and uplifting while you do it to stop you ruminating.

Ah - fair question but no. My mum was often hammered when j was a child and behaved inappropriately in the house and my Dad would shrug his shoulders and say

“it’s just her stressful job”

The only ONE exception to this was when my mum was drunk and screeching something on an angry tone yet incoherent from the kitchen and my Dad turned to me and said “I think she’s just being difficult” under his breath.

Also, she was going through the menopause (probably without hrt) as a working mum.

Why don’t you blame your dad for not getting you out of the situation?

He had just as much of a responsibility to keep you safe as she did.

Yes I do blame him and yes I agree with you !