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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry about dd13 and boys

5 replies

Bagladygirl · 26/01/2025 09:04

Dd14 seems to have this short lived infatuations with boys that are short lived say a month or so. It seems the boys initially like her too and it looks to develop into a relationship but she doesn't like to actually go on dates or meet them so it ends and she gets dumped for a new girl.
now at 14 I am glad of this as it's saving me a whole lot of hassle so up to now I haven't worried but what I have noticed with the new one is that he has constantly asked her to meet sat at McDonald's or something and she has said no but really wanted to. What has transpired is that it's her feeling insecure about her looks. Particularly when on her period she has started to completely hide her face and gets in a really bad mood and can be awful.
yeaterday she and a friend met with these 2 boys for an hour in McDonald's but she is upset as now he doesn't like her because he said she's a bit odd. Turns out she put her coat on his her face and got a bit excited shrieking etc
i should say that she has a diagnosis of adhd which her friend is now telling the boy by way of explanation she is absolutely in bits.

looking for ways to support her not for judgements on how at 14 she should not be speaking to any of the male species

is this part of normal teenage life and development or do I help with her anxiety

OP posts:
Haveyouanyjam · 26/01/2025 09:26

IMO 14 is a rough age and this is all pretty normal. Forget the boys and focus on your DD. Let her have her feelings about it and just focus on doing things that support her self esteem, she will learn in time her value doesn’t come from the opinions of boys. Typically kids with ADHD have been criticised for their behaviour more than neurotypical children and are more likely to have low self esteem generally.

It’s great that she’s telling you all of this so I wouldn’t be too concerned.

Original poster
Bagladygirl · 26/01/2025 09:32

Haveyouanyjam · 26/01/2025 09:26

IMO 14 is a rough age and this is all pretty normal. Forget the boys and focus on your DD. Let her have her feelings about it and just focus on doing things that support her self esteem, she will learn in time her value doesn’t come from the opinions of boys. Typically kids with ADHD have been criticised for their behaviour more than neurotypical children and are more likely to have low self esteem generally.

It’s great that she’s telling you all of this so I wouldn’t be too concerned.

Thank you thts good advice
this is my worry
boys seem to be a hyper fixation with her much to my worry! So I try not to say you can't do thy but guide her into other hobbies rather than make up and boys

I'm god it's normal it all feels so new to me

OP posts:
peuisgkres · 26/01/2025 09:44

I remember being similar to this, would love having crushes and the developing excitement, but actually having to spend time with them 😱 oh the nerves would kick in, I would get so anxious. I just wasn't ready to 'date' I wasn't mature enough. And that's fine, we all develop at different ages. When I hear of teen girls having sex at 15 and 16 my mind is blown because that level of intimacy was terrifying to me. By the time I was 17 and in sixth form it was totally different, got my first proper boyfriend and I am so grateful I had a relatively simply teenage upbringing really without that complication.

So I wouldn't get too caught up in her lack of confidence, it is hard being a teenage girl, she will mature in confidence in herself. Not being comfortable to date now doesn't mean she won't ever. 14 is still very young. I have a 14 year old son and he wouldn't dream of going on a date.

Original poster
Bagladygirl · 26/01/2025 10:19

peuisgkres · 26/01/2025 09:44

I remember being similar to this, would love having crushes and the developing excitement, but actually having to spend time with them 😱 oh the nerves would kick in, I would get so anxious. I just wasn't ready to 'date' I wasn't mature enough. And that's fine, we all develop at different ages. When I hear of teen girls having sex at 15 and 16 my mind is blown because that level of intimacy was terrifying to me. By the time I was 17 and in sixth form it was totally different, got my first proper boyfriend and I am so grateful I had a relatively simply teenage upbringing really without that complication.

So I wouldn't get too caught up in her lack of confidence, it is hard being a teenage girl, she will mature in confidence in herself. Not being comfortable to date now doesn't mean she won't ever. 14 is still very young. I have a 14 year old son and he wouldn't dream of going on a date.

This is exactly what I think it is, it's her way of seeking dopamine but I worry that the fall out from it will affect her low self esteem in the long run. Feel at a loss as the reality is she is also stubborn so if I were to say no to her doing it she would just do it anyway and probably just tell me much less.
I know my dd is horrified at the thought of sex.

ah that's good to know I just want her to set the foundations right rather than just suddenly being out of her depth too. I want her to get used to being treated right but it is still very young

OP posts:
peuisgkres · 26/01/2025 10:36

Yeah I think it's quite a normal way of seeking some self validation too, we all like to feel like we are being crushed on! Sorry I only mentioned sex to demonstrate the separation in my mind at that age, I obviously don't think she (or that you think she is) thinking about anything on that level!

Sorry I don't know what the answer is, my youngest has ADHD, but just to say it's probably not all that unusual and she just might still be mentally maturing to feel comfortable around the other sex, bearing in mind also that people with ADHD tend to mature behind their peers.

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