To worry about my children remembering the bad?

[starsaligntonight]

I lost it at ds(4) yesterday. I don’t feel good about it; the opposite in fact and I have apologised to him so much.

But … yesterday I took him to a birthday party at a soft play and he had a great time running around with his friends and a pizza and chips lunch with ice cream. Then in the afternoon a football class. Cooked a homemade dinner for him.

I suppose what I’m saying is every day I do so much for my children, as I should! But I know my own parents (mum really!) must have done the same and I didn’t appreciate it. But I did and if I’m honest do remember the times they lost their tempers with me or were unfair or whatever.

It took me a long time to understand my parents by which point they’d died. I just worry history will repeat itself.

I think you're right to a degree - yes, they probably will remember times you lose your temper, as it will shock them and maybe shake them up a bit.

However the fact that you apologise a lot afterwards, you have insight into what you've done, and the majority of the time they are having a really nice childhood by the sound of it - that's what's important.

You are human and it is actually important for children to know that parents can make mistakes too. It sounds like you are bringing them up in an emotionally healthy environment. It doesn't matter that you make a mistake every so often - everyone does. What matters is how you handle that and the aftermath, and you are doing exactly the right thing.

I think you are probably right that children remember the bad times. It's going to be a part of who they are but so is everything you do.

If they had a life where they were unhappy most of the time and a few times they went to soft play then they would probably remember that.

You don't have to take children out every day and be perfect for them to have a good childhood with happy memories though.

And you are a person in your own right. Not a children's television presenter. You are allowed to have emotions and it's good for a child to know that you are a human being.

You don't have to be perfect, just good enough.

I worry about this a lot too.
I had one physically abusive parent and one alcoholic/neglectful parent and it’s left me very conscious of my own behaviour as a parent.
I’ve done so much research into child development and it’s very “normal/common” for parents to “lose it” at their children but it’s so important to apologise afterwards. Explain you shouldn’t have shouted etc. and that’s Mummy’s fault. Then calmly explain the behaviour wasn’t acceptable and you’d much rather they do x/y/z.
Children learn from their parents, and your child will learn that everyone makes mistakes, we apologise and ask for forgiveness and make amends.
You’re doing good ❤️ x

Thank you for your responses. I did apologise to him and genuinely felt awful but I was horrible and said things I didn’t mean out of frustration.

I don't remember my parents ever apologising after they lost it with me - their version of 'losing it' involved physical chastisement to the point of leaving bad bruising - you have done the right thing by apologising.

Yes, I remember their treatment of me very well, and I think of it often now they are both increasingly helpless with dementia and mobility issues. I wish I could go back in time and point out to them how much the 'balance of power' would shift in their lifetimes.

This is parenting. We will live with our children for a very long time and there will be moments whereby they make us angry. I’m a mum to a teen, and we have had plenty of moments.

It really depends on what “lost it” looks like - I have a friend who had abusive parents and “lost it” looked physical. Sadly her mum died - of course she remembers the bad but as she got older she learned it was due to an illness (mental).

Whereas “lost it” for me is a raised voice, feeling angry. If I don’t like the way I react then yes I apologise as you have done whilst also having a discussion about what happened and why. For instance I remember when my DD was younger she was the classic mess fairy. It’s fine on occasion, but as she got older I knew she should know better. Clothes on floor etc - and one day I lost it. Because I had repeated myself so much (I appreciate 4 is different to 9) - and so not only did I apologise, she also realised that she needed to take responsibility.

its impossible to negotiate anything with a 4 year old haha - but as they get older it’s something to bare in mind.

My DC are 22 and 20. I only lost it a couple of times (once at each).

We talked about this recently.
DS doesn't remember me losing it with him. He was 3.
DD was 6 and doesn't remember either.

DS remembers me losing it at DD as he was 8 at the time.

Your children may not actively remember all the lovely things you do for them, but that doesn't mean those lovely things are wasted- they will absolutely shape who they become as adults. Someone whose mummy does lovely things for them all the time and very occasionally shouts (and then apologises) is going to be a much happier, more resilient adult than someone whose mummy shouts at them all the time and very occasionally does nice things.

You child will remember the bad things. How bad those things are is important. An outright verbal assault, if happening frequently, will certainly stick with them.

The bad things, if bad enough, cannot be fixed by "the good things". That's because "the good things" you mention aren't extras. That's what should be the norm.

A kid isn't going to appreciate playing, eating food, or having a roof over their head because that's normal stuff, that a kid normally should do, and especially shelter and food are basics for survival. Those things sent going to override the bad. You don't get a medal or additional appreciation for letting your kid play, or allowing them to eat, or for giving them a home to live in. No matter how difficult you personally find it.

To be fair, nothing really overrides the bad when it's bad enough. Not even exotic holidays or expensive cars. My parents hoped it would. It doesn't. Maybe because kids don't care about that shit. They care about feeling safe and loved. If they don't feel safe and loved, they will remember it, and it will shape them.

Rupture and repair.

It is important to make things alright again, properly.

My DC's dad has never got this bit right and this has marked DC's relationship with him. He never 'loses it' with them; he might upset them by being impatient or blunt or forgetful, so not things which would appear especially significant in the greater scheme of things. But he gets the 'repair' bit wrong all the time -perhaps acting incredulous at them being upset, or justifying why he said X or Y, or saying something like "You know, if you're going to be like this, let's just forget about (whatever they were doing), or even just shrugging and walking away.

He knows what 'repair' should look like, but can't seem to do it. It's almost worse when he tries; he tries to 'talk it out' but just ends up raking it over and, even if he acknowledges DC being upset, it always seems to end up as a rationale for why he's not really done anything wrong: "DCWarmth, I can see I've upset you. I'm sorry I beeped the horn on the drive, but you can't take things like that to heart, life is like that, people will always be impatient with dawdling and you'll have a hard time of things if you're always going to get upset when you've kept people waiting." Or worse: "DC1, I can see I upset you. Yes, you're right, it was definitely a bit rude of me to start talking with DC2 while you played your instrument to me. I understand it must have felt like I didn't care. But... parents can't get it right all the time." Always kind of 'closing' a pitch for why they shouldn't feel however they're feeling. I can't stand it, which is why I'm on my way.

What did 'lost it' actually mean.

My kids love my husband, (their Dad )but as adults they still remember his very very occasional tantrums. I remember them too.

I grew up in a household where I was never shouted at. It was a calm house which I liked.

You can be strict without shouting and screaming. Kids can be incredible annoying but you have to find more constructive ways to deal with it. It's ok to show emotion and to be cross but I don't think shouting is ever ok. It's aggressive.

Some people think it's ok on Mumnet though.