Saw something horrible and was unable to confront perpetrator

[Reor]

I am very non confrontational. Very much to a fault. I am certain it is due to being raised by a volatile and violent father who would freak out over small things. I think not reacting is a self protective mechanism. I was punched, kicked, slapped - you name it - as a kid. I am naturally quite stoic and reserved which exacerbates the problem

I saw a family member being grabbed by their arm by their partner. And I said nothing. I froze. It was awful. I’m so ashamed of my inaction.

Is anyone else like this? Just clam up to the point you don’t want to move a muscle/breathe too loud.

I will address situations after the fact. I am speaking to this family member next week to share what I saw and offer support.

I just know so many people would confront this bully and give him what for. But that’s not me. I feel so weak.

Aww OP, please don't be too hard on yourself. You are there for your family member now, and that's what matters
Bear in mind that she may not have thanked you for intervening at the time anyway, and it could potentially have made things worse.

You're lovely.

Sometimes I go into fight or flight, other times I freeze. I had a father like yours. I have also been sexually assaulted more than once and I just froze when it happened, I felt such shame it was happening at all. I'm in therapy because of my dad (CPTSD) and the therapist has told me it's quite normal to freeze when something distressing happens. at the moment I am finding I am freezing in day to day situations and I've yet to learn how to stop it but I've been told noticing this state of hypoarousal is the start.

you sound like you are doing your best to be supportive to this family member, please remember you are only human, you would have stopped this person of you could have, but quite apart from the fact that it is dangerous especially as a woman to confront an abusive man, there is probably a little child part of you that is flashing back to life with her dad . I'm learning about flashbacks , they aren't always visual, they can be in our bodies reactions even without a memory or an image. I find Carolyn Springs work on trauma recovery very helpful, she has a Facebook page and has written some great books (Amazon has some of them).

Actually I think you did the right thing by not intervening immediately. All too often the abusive partner does far worse behind closed doors as a result of being caught out, and would have 'punished' your family member.

I'd also suggest 'giving him what for' would have either embarrassed (and then later enraged) him, or it could have escalated right there and then. But I can't forsee an outcome that would have resulted in him apologising, seeking counselling, and genuinely changing, can you?

Although I wasn't physically abused I am non confrontational with everyone except my husband!

Example. Neighbour locked out her (approx) 7 year old autistic son with bare feet the other night. He was screaming, crying and banging on the door to be let back in. I went out there to see if he was OK, and another neighbour was already there talking to and trying to comfort him. We were banging on the door and living room window until she opened the door. He went in and she started going off about how he won't brush his teeth and she locked him out so she could "delete" YouTube. She told him to leave and find his Dad, and if she's not his mum, he can go find his real mum too. He was saying that she strangled him and hit him. She told him to apologise to us! WTF?! I said he doesn't need to apologise for ANYTHING. But that's literally all I said. I obviously had plenty I wanted to say and I wish I could have gotten him away from her. I get angry at myself for not confronting people in situations like this.

I spoke with the neighbour (one who got there 1st) and she knows the boy because he's in the same school as her son. Turns out Social Services are already aware of this abusive mother (and Police have chased her down the street before) and yet leave both children in her "care". Nice neighbour is a teacher and mandatory reporter, so has reported it. Nothing has happened though and she locked him out again the other day. I recorded it for evidence 😕

You did what I do.

As an abuse survivor my first thought is "dont make him/her angrier" and fall back to survival instincts. That is smile, play nice, pretend nothing is happening and hope that they dont hit you too hard.

Its perfectly normal for survivors, its all we know especially when we learned it in childhood. And PP's are right, if you had kicked off and called him out in public she would have gone home with him anyway and then could well have received a proper beating for it. He would have blamed her for his shame and it would have been worse for her.

You did the right thing.

Thats horrific.

I wouldnt bother with SS, keep calling 999 every time it happens. Its the only way that SS will actually deal with it. Poor little bugger, its heartbreaking.

It's best not to confront an abuser in a domestic violence situation. Often it just leads to the victim being punished for it later.

You need to reach out to the victim in private away from him and offer support directly.