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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Genuinely caring or overstepping boundaries/red flag?

23 replies

IronFlame95 · 25/01/2025 20:38

This is off the bat of my last post - I’ll summarise. Been with new partner for 3 months (but casually dated for 3 months before that), we have started seeing each other quite a lot quite quickly (sometimes for half the week) and I have a lot going on in my own life, so I feel like I need to cut the contact back a little bit in order to have some spare time to just re-charge and chill out by myself.

I’ve had quite a hard few MH days (I have PMDD which affects me mentally quite bad) and was meant to be seeing partner this weekend, however as I had already seen them for 3 days earlier on in the week, I said that I wanted to give today a miss and have some time to myself sort of thing. Partner was disappointed but said okay, they will respect what I want to do but then after a while started saying that they felt really uncomfortable at home and needed to get out (their neighbours are quite loud and aggressive at times and they find this triggering). I knew it was a bit of a hint, especially when they started saying about driving near the beaches/forests near my house (we live about 40-45 minutes apart from each other). I didn’t give into the hints and just said okay, have a great drive and I’ll speak to you when you’re home.

A couple of hours later, they show up at my front door. They got a couple of my favourite snacks, said they wanted to see if I was okay and that they wasn’t staying. Now I’ve misjudged people in the past so this is why I’m sort of on the fence about it. On one hand; it’s a really thoughtful thing to do and I know they really care about me and make me feel really loved in loads of different ways. On the other hand; they started asking straight away if it was about them and I think they had anxiety that I was maybe going to end things with them because I’ve been in a bad place the last couple of days? And I feel that they knew I wouldn’t turn them straight away and would let them come in for a while to sit down after driving around etc because that’s the kind of person I am, so I feel in some ways that they didn’t actually respect what I wanted to do today and just made any excuse to get over here today and is this a sign for things to come?

Am I overthinking this and they just genuinely wanted to make sure I was okay and drop me off some snacks or was there an ulterior motive? It also has run through my mind that they don’t like being at home, no-one else was available today so have they just forced their way over to avoid being at home. I really don’t know what to think about this and it’s driving me mad?

OP posts:
whaddayawannado · 25/01/2025 20:42

They are not respecting your boundaries, and trying to guilt-trip you into doing what they want.

LoveSandbanks · 25/01/2025 20:50

He's not respecting your boundaries - this would really annoy me. I'm an introvert and need time alone to recharge, If someone showed up at my door despite being told that I wanted time to myself they'd be getting binned. I'd also be wondering whether he was checking up on me.

I'd be so pissed off I'd be binning him in a text message 😃

kiwiane · 25/01/2025 21:31

I would dump him; so you’re not allowed any time to yourself? You were already messaging him when you were supposed to be having a break. Turning up is a massive red flag.

Left · 25/01/2025 21:39

He or she is a boundary pusher and disregarded your wishes.

This is early days, when they should be on their best behaviour so not a good sign for the future x

BilboBlaggin · 25/01/2025 21:39

Huge red flag and very manipulative. Possibly they did it because they didn't respect that you just needed some time alone and thought you were with someone else.

LiamNeesonIsADerryGirl · 25/01/2025 22:00

I wouldn't see it is a thoughtful thing to do. It's deliberate boundary pushing. You clearly stated you need a night to yourself and your partner has showed up anyway, using the snacks and wanting to check you're ok as a ploy. You set you're line in the sand, they've sprinted across it, and made you question yourself on top.

LauritaEvita · 25/01/2025 23:10

This is someone who does not care about your boundaries and what you’re saying. He’s hinted that he’s in your area (I bloody hate hints with expectations- just be straightforward and tell people what you want so they can say yes or no), you made it clear (for the second time) that he still wasn’t invited by saying ‘enjoy your drive’ and STILL he’s rocked up. He wouldn’t have got in my door.

GreenCandleWax · 25/01/2025 23:41

i couldn't stand that - he's taken away your autonomy about your day, and your need to be on your own is shot. Whatever his reasons, its not good for you. It would be very close to a deal-breaker for me, and I would not have let him come in and further disrupt my day.

Onlycoffee · 25/01/2025 23:47

Even if they were genuinely concerned about you, you had said you wanted time to yourself so they should have respected your boundary.

Them caring for you does not override your own agency.

Their anxiety over the relationship, their worry for you, their discomfort at home etc does not mean more than your request for time on your own.

Endofyear · 25/01/2025 23:56

You had multiple replies on your last post saying that his behaviour is a red flag. Not sure why you started another thread to be told the same thing again!

WeeOrcadian · 26/01/2025 00:24

Massive red flags OP

Your partner hasn't respected your boundaries and just rocked up at your door

I'd be showing them the fucking door

PocketBattleship · 26/01/2025 01:04

I'd be showing them the fucking door

They already know exactly where it is and what it looks like

JMSA · 26/01/2025 03:25

It was a manipulative move on his part, and he made your day all about him.
OP, you sound lovely, but possibly a bit too trusting and naive.
If you decide to continue with the relationship, then I'd start to make yourself less available, in person and over the phone.

Burntt · 26/01/2025 03:28

Definitely a red flag to me

Lurkingandlearning · 26/01/2025 04:16

I agree with all the above and also find his “concern” if you were ok a bit more troubling than just an excuse. It’s sort of gaslighting as if there’s something wrong with wanting some time alone, your choice - something weird about it. I wouldn’t like that at all and would be really angry that he’d just rocked up to make me feel weird/ guilty/ obliged to stop what I was doing because he wanted me to, even if what I was doing was just sitting on the sofa daydreaming

Sparklfairy · 26/01/2025 04:21

I've had this before. Turned out he was checking whether I was really at home, and whether I was as ill as I'd said I was.

Shoxfordian · 26/01/2025 06:42

They're disrespectful and not listening to you - big red flag

DragonBalls · 26/01/2025 06:52

Well Mumsnet’s favourite Maya Angelou quote applies here…

Do you have real life friend you can talk this through with?

Evidently you have been warned before about red flags. Have you had difficulties in the past with relationships?

Owly11 · 26/01/2025 07:39

Huge red flag - run for the hills. I can guarantee that if you don't you will regret it. You are already doubting yourself and the relationship hasn't even got off the ground. In a healthy relationship you should feel comfortable and confident. The fact that you were trying to take space in the first place is also relevant. Please be careful leaving this person because they are not going to respond well.

Ace56 · 26/01/2025 07:45

If he’s ’uncomfortable at home’ because of the neighbours then he needs to move. It’s not your problem.

You started another similar thread OP and this one is going to go exactly the same way. Leave him!

curtaintwitcher78 · 26/01/2025 08:13

If someone I cared deeply about wanted time alone I would respect that. If I really thought they needed some snacks, etc. I'd use Deliveroo or similar. That way they get the items, they know I'm thinking of them, but I haven't taken any of their time for me.
A few things for me here:
He thought he knew better than you when you said you needed time to yourself.
He wanted some of your time for him, so he took some.
He wanted you to feel guilty that you weren't there for him but he did it in an indirect, underhanded way.

mnreader · 26/01/2025 08:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Shiningout · 26/01/2025 08:43

He didn't need to come round to see if you're okay, you were messaging him, I'd almost understand if you just weren't replying to any messages but honestly he's taking the piss here and id not be impressed.

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