I was really close with a girl, Lucy. She was a bridesmaid at my wedding, I was a bridesmaid at hers, we survived university together, and even lived as housemates when we landed our first “big girl” jobs. We were part of a bigger friendship group but also had a strong bond, just the two of us. Fast forward to our 30s, I have kids, she doesn’t yet but she wants them soon (if that’s relevant) living in the same city 20 mins walk away.
Over the years, I started noticing a pattern with Lucy: she’s very hot and cold. Hot when she needs something or when she suddenly feels like hanging out. Cold when I’m the one reaching out. Example: I’d message her, “Hey, let’s do something next Saturday!” … and then? Radio silence. No reply, nothing. Then, weeks later, she’d pop up with, “Sasha, hello!! I’ve missed you sooo much! Want to hang out next weekend?” And within two messages (surprise!) she’d slide in a little favor: “Oh, by the way, can I borrow your bike? Heading to the countryside with some friends for a few days.”
She also has this talent for being very insistent when it comes to her plans. If I couldn’t make her birthday, she’d ask multiple times why, whether I could move things around, basically guilt-trip me. But when it came to my messages? She would take 3-5 working days to respond, if she responds at all that is.
Eventually, I got bored of the whole dynamic. So now, I politely decline every party invite, never message first, and if she calls for a long catch-up, I find a reason to wrap it up pretty quickly. In short, I’ve just slowly faded out of the friendship.
The other girls in the group noticed and asked why, so I explained. Their take? I’m overreacting, and this whole “hot and cold” thing is just Lucy’s personality, apparently partly down to her ADHD.
So… am I being petty, or was it fair to peace out?