Feeling a bit taken for granted by DH

[blainarvig]

Hi everyone,

I’m not usually one to post, but I’m feeling a bit off about something and thought I’d see what others think. DH is a good man overall – works hard, great with the kids, etc. – but lately I feel like I’m being taken for granted.

For example, I do the lion’s share of the housework, meal planning, school runs, and all the mental load stuff like remembering birthdays, booking appointments, etc. I work part-time, but even when I get home, I find myself jumping straight into chores while he “winds down” from work.

I tried bringing it up the other night, and he just said, “Well, you’re better at that sort of thing than me,” which really wound me up. It’s not like I enjoy cleaning the loo or organising the snack drawer!

It’s not even the big things – it’s stuff like me having to nag him to put his dirty socks in the wash or remembering to pick up milk on his way home. He’s not malicious about it, but it feels like if I don’t say something, nothing gets done.

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit resentful? Or is this just one of those “men are from Mars” situations?

TIA for any advice – I’m genuinely curious if others feel this way too.

P.S. Please be kind – I do love him, just feeling a bit frustrated!

Of course you are.
Stop doing any laundry for him, shopping or cooking.
Tell him you feel taken for granted, resentful and unappreciated.

That you are reducing what you do to a minimum and anything involving him is an easy thing to stop if he feels its all so easy to do.

He sounds like a sdlfish lazy arse.
We teach people how to treat us and he has learned to not think of you at all.

Men are very often used to being "looked after" by their mothers. Have you spoken to him about it? I'm not making excuses but he may have been conditioned to this being "woman's work". If you don't draw clear lines your resentment will grow.

Drop the rope. Let him get home without the milk and have to go out again. Don't wash his socks if they're not in the laundry basket. Stop chasing him. Let him fuck up and face the consequences

Let him have jobs. Don't do it all.

It's just one of those "made rod for your own back" situations. And we've all been there at some point. The only birthdays I need to remember is my family and (sometimes) my friends. I have no clue about his side - not my circus.
I also don't rush to do chores after work. If they don't get done, then they don't get done. If someone complains, they are welcome to do them.
If we run out of milk, one of us will go and pick it up. And no, it's not usually me.
Partner ran out of clean socks... Oh dear. Well, I guess he better put them in a wash (I'll accept anywhere in the vicinity of a basket).
The truth is, you met your husband when he was a fully functional adult. He is still that same fully functional adult so just stop functioning on his behalf.

And dirty socks?
If they aren't in the laundry basket the two days at week I do laundry you won't get them back clean. Not my problem Both husband and children know this.

Mine used to be the same. I'll now tell him .. 'get up now and collect all of your dirty washing and put in laundry basket or it won't be washed' if he forgets or doesn't do it then have fun rewearing your dirty boxers hun!

He sounds like another useless man-child
Nothing to love about it

Tell him acting like his dm isn't exactly a quality that makes him shaggable... Bet that works....
Reduce what he has happen via fairy power and leave him to do his own stuff...

I agree with this.

I couldn’t have sex with such a useless specimen who treated me like his mother, God what a turn off. He’d be doing his own washing and half the cooking and cleaning. He’d also be doing half the childcare. There would be a rota drawn up and if he didn’t stick to it he’d be packing his bags, you’re doing it all anyway OP so there would be no difference. I can’t be doing with lazy partners who use excuses like “youre better at it than me”. He’s a sad excuse for a husband and there’s absolutely nothing dear about him.

No it’s not a ‘men are from mars’ thing. It’s a ‘your husband is a misogynist’ thing. The truth is that he sees these things as beneath him, that he doesn’t want to do them and that it is your work. Because you are a woman. He knows you will do them for him so he doesn’t have to bother.

Stop doing them. Your husband is not a great man. He’s a lazy, disrespectful one.

Try the book/system Fair Play. It breaks down household, life and family tasks into 100 and says no couple, even if superhuman and outsourcing stuff, can manage all 100.

Even outsourcing is still work – finding, booking, instructing and paying the cleaner, for instance. So it suggests you and your spouse go through the tasks and pick the ones you have to do (feed your kids) and the ones you feel are important.

Then you split them fairly – so no one gets all the daily drudge stuff like laundry and meal planning and cooking and bins and washing up, and the other one gets “planning long-term finances” or “renewing the car insurance once a year”.

The idea is you also agree together what task entails and how it’s done – again so if one person is doing the meal planning, they can’t short-change it write “fish fingers and chips” seven nights in a row. But equally you can’t be in charge of everything and insist on home-cooked seven nights a week. When you agree what a task looks like (change the kitchen bin daily, or change it just enough you don’t get maggots?), you’re less likely to go “oh, I’ll do it, you’ve done it wrong”. And each person “owns” the whole task – making sure there’s enough bin bags, knowing the change of bin days at Christmas, cleaning up bin juice when they’ve fucked up. While the other person doesn’t have to think about the bin at all.

Takes a lot of discussion at first, then you get used to it. I never ever ever think about the washing or the big shop. Clean knickers magically appear in my drawer, the fridge is full. DP never ever thinks about what we’re having for dinner or cleaning, cos I do it. It works.

Tell him you've thought about what he said about you being better at the chores than him and you agree, you are.

So what he needs is more practice to build up his skill level, LOTS AND LOTS OF PRACTICE.

When he's done so much practice that his skill level matches yours, you can move to a 50/50 split of domestic chores, but until then, it's all on him to help him get the practice he needs to obtain these essential life skills.

From then on, you never ask DH for help, you simply tell him to practice.

"DH, you need to practice cleaning the toilet."

"DH, you need to practice restocking the fridge."

"DH, you need to practice doing the laundry."

"DH, you need to practice meal planning for this week, buying all the food and cooking all the dinners this week."

Etc.

After all, he wants to be your equal doesn't he? So he just needs more practice to bring him up to equality with you.

He needs to take on a few jobs..in their entirety. So if its cooking on Friday night, he needs to grocery shop for it, cook it and clean up afterwards, and if. He forgets, he has to buy takeaway from his discretional spending so it just hurts him and not you iyswim

That’s a really good point. I’ve tried speaking to him about it, but I don’t think it’s fully sunk in. He always says he doesn’t mean to leave things to me, but it still happens. You’re right though – I think he probably grew up in a household where his mum just did everything, so he doesn’t even realise how much work goes into keeping things running.

I’ll have to sit him down properly and set some boundaries, because you’re absolutely right about the resentment building. I don’t want to end up snapping over something silly when it could have been avoided. Thanks for the advice – it’s good to hear it from someone else’s perspective!