Aibu for leaving the house when Nan smokes?

[Soubriquet]

My Nan is very old and quite ill. I honestly don’t know how long she has left but I’ll be surprised if she sees Christmas

She has COPD on top of all of her conditions but it doesn’t stop her smoking. When I walk in sometimes, the air is just thick with smoke. It’s awful. I feel a bit suffocated by it, but I grin and and bear it because it’s her

My dd has asthma, and smoke is a big trigger. It also affects my ds, who isn’t asthmatic but suffers a lot later on.

I’ve had to outright say to her, “Nan I love you but I can’t bring my children around if you’re smoking. It sets off Dd’s asthma, ds starts to wheeze and I really don’t like it either. If you need to smoke, we will have to leave”

She agreed to that and promised not to smoke whilst I’m visiting though there have been times when she’s asked if she can, and mildly grumbles when I say no or else I have to go.

Today, we went round and the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife. She was breathing really heavily and struggling to move around. Her friend came over too and within a few moments, both of them lit up. I made my excuses and said we had to go. She was a bit disappointed we left only after about 20 mins but I reminded her about DD’s asthma

So am I being unreasonable for leaving if she can’t not smoke whilst we are there?

I feel slightly guilty because I know she has only limited time left, but at the same time, my kids come first

I would leave too.

Yanbu, but maybe stop taking your kids to hers?

My kid wouldn't be in a smoky home before she started to light up.

It's a shame because in the Summer you can open windows.

Not one single person is going to say YABU and you should force your children to breath in her cigarette smoke, especially the asthmatic one?? 😳

I don’t think anyone would be happy to sit in a smoker’s stinky house, even before someone was actively smoking in it. And exposing children to it would be nuts.

I have this same issue with my mum. It's so frustrating.

It's her house. If she wants to smoke in it she can smoke in it.

But it's your life and your own choice too so she shouldn't be offended that if she does you do not want to hang around.

I have to go to hers! She can’t come to mine as she has very limited mobility. She rarely leaves the house now too so it’s hard to see her out and about

I don’t want to stop seeing her. I don’t want to tell my kids they can’t see her either. I don’t want her dying and them saying they wish they had spent more time with her

Its so precarious

I'm another one who wouldn't be taking my kids there! One of my DC has asthma that is triggered by cigarette smoke. It would have affected his breathing even if the smoker wasn't smoking at that time, smoke lingers for quite a while.
I wouldn't have risked my DC's health tbf and it would have been a risk for my DC.
Can't you see your nan while your kids are at school?

I can, but she also wants to see her great-grandkids!

of course she does.

If she makes it to summer, I can encourage her to come out to town. She won’t so much in the winter because she’s so thin, the wind goes right through her

What happens if your children look back and think the opposite? They made me go even though it made my asthma bad and they knew the passive smoking dangers. I wouldn’t be taking my child who also has asthma. In fact - my child’s great grandma ( in law to me) is like this and sad as it is, she can’t see her.

You can't make addicts change. Her primary relationship is the fags. You can only choose to protect your children. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

If she was that bothered about seeing your children she wouldn’t smoke while they were there.

She doesn’t care. Neither should you.

I would do whatever you feel you need to do.
Please don't overthink it. If you don't want to be around smoke, then don't.

You have a duty of care to your kids and their health. So to be honest it's not even a matter of anyone's opinion (even yours) the simple fact is you can't/shouldn't take them round there if it's smokey.

She has the choice and the mental capacity. You've shown her you mean it that you'll leave. She's making her choice.

Fingers crossed, yes, when the weather warms up she will still be around and you can meet up in the garden or whatever.

Until then - well if she's choosing a fag over her grandchildren that's up to her.
(sorry to be blunt and i hope she has lots of time left)

If she wants to smoke herself to death then let her crack on, but don’t force your kids to endure it. She can make her choice whether she’d rather have a fag or see her grandkids before she dies.
I say this as a daughter of someone who smoked herself to COPD and an early grave.

None of my dc have asthma or respiratory issues. But we wouldn't be going there at all tbh.

If she couldn't leave the house, too bad. It doesn't take much to crack a window and sit next to it when smoking - there's zero need for the air to be thick with it.

I smoke, our children have never been inside a building if a person smokes in it. If she wanted to see the children she would either stop smoking, or sort herself a chair so she can smoke outside with the door shut.

Only she can compromise OP..if your bairn had a serious asthma attack you'll beat yourself up.

Exactly. Asthma is no joke.

I'm a smoker and I would never dream of smoking in a room with a child, especially an asthmatic one. Maybe stop taking them there. She already knows why

I have a family member who smokes constantly. I rarely visit because it’s awful but I haven’t go occasionally and as soon as I get home my clothes need washing to remove the smell.

I definitely wouldn’t take children with asthma into that environment.

I'd actually stop bringing the kids to see her.
Also, I'd consider, when in the house, whether you shouldn't throw the windows open and air the room. I'm guessing that she has her heating on as well which makes a stuffy smokey room even less welcoming.