struggling with autistic teen dependance and resentment

[magmus]

I am struggling with demands from my autistic teenager.
I work full time and only have so many hours in the day.
DS is not interested in doing things for himself and it drives me crazy. I ask for his help around food prep for example and at best he makes very half hearted efforts and immediately forgets any requests and instructions.

I really try to stay patient but don't always manage it.
If i show any annoyance or suggest he's being lazy he gets really angry with me and says I don't understand his difficulties.

I feel like whatever his difficulties he should strive to contribute and as his parent i should help to build his independence and respect for other people. He feels he says he didn't ask to be born and thinks i should be happier about doing everything for him.

IBU most likely. Has anyone struggled with this and have any advice? I worry what this pattern is going to look like after another 10 or 20 years.

My son is like this - he’s 13.

We had a chat about it last week - he says that he gets no great pleasure from helping people - his jaw dropped when I said I enjoy looking after him and cooking ironing etc, and that I feel hurt when he can’t be bothered to help
properly. I can’t tolerate weaponised incompetence and I don’t want any him to be a terrible flatmate/partner later on regardless of his autism - he’s naturally lazy and thoughtless and it comes across as entitled.

So I’m giving him small tasks, plenty praise and explanations for why and what we’re doing. He made dinner last week for the first time and was basking in praise which is his thing as he loves to be the centre of attention - so I’m trying to work on it with him. But he’s fully on board - he doesn’t want to be a selfish adult. He recognises it as something he should be working on.

Are you able to have an open conversation with your son about it?

Yep. I had this.

Personally I found the way forward was to give them tasks that were for them.

So rather than helping with food prep, I showed them (I have twins, one ND one not) how to use the washing machine, gave them three ikea bags each, and airer each.

Then I set aside time every weekend for me to "help them" with their washing if they needed it. I made clear to them that I was "helping" them not the other way round.

We did have a few panics, but it was surprisingly successful.

I also did a fuckton less laundry

I agree with don't start by getting him making dinner for everyone, get him doing things like making his own breakfast, making his own packed lunch, sorting his own washing and room out. Adult DS with ASD intends to live happily alone forever when he moves out full time in a year or two, I don't really worry about him not being able to cook for 4 or anything. His flat will be his safe space, after a day having to be sociable at work he won't want others there.

Also any requests or instructions are definitely best written down. Forgetting isn't laziness, it's poor executive function. DS is much better with a list to tick off. Also routine, once things become part of his routine they're much more likely to be remembered.