To ask how often you contact your coparent when the children are with them?

[thecherryfox]

So, my situations a little complex but I split with my son’s dad when I was pregnant to flee domestic abuse to protect my baby. Courts enabled his abuse and my son had to have unsupervised contact with his dad from a baby (he also failed multiple drug tests). My son is now five and also autistic, he goes to see his dad every other weekend. I don’t know what happens there, but our son seems happy and loves his dad so I’ve had to push my feelings and safety concerns aside. The only single thing I ever message my son’s dad when it’s ’his time’ is to let me know when our son is asleep. His needs cause him to be up until midnight most nights and he always puts himself in danger, so that’s all I ever ask via communication. His dad still his abusive and because things don’t go his way with cms and because he thinks I’m in a relationship, he withholds communication to ‘punish’ me. I go the entire weekend panicked because he ignores me. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable asking, and I shouldn’t have to ask - it was a routine where he should know to message when our so is alseep.

So how often do you contact your ‘coparent’ when your child/ren is with them?

my ex uses withholding communication as part of an ongoing post separation abuse pattern. one child has complex medical needs and ex is barely competent at managing them. withholds prescribed medication, ignores the dieticians plan etc etc. he tells me nothing.
then sulks when he thinks i haven't kept him appropriately up to speed.
you can't make someone be a decent human being sadly

Do you text his father nightly to let him know he's asleep when your son is with you?

Do you let the father know when you DS is asleep on the nights you have him? I understand the anxiety but he will not cooperate so I'd stop asking. He will like withholding the info. Dont show what is upsetting you. Go grey rock with him and ensure any communication is only at start of visit and is factual. E.g.
X has a cold. He had calpol at 9am.

I don't think you should be contacting him about that, if I'm honest. It serves no purpose except to stoke your anxiety. It is not going to change how your ex manages your son's sleep when he has care of him, and if your son enjoys his visits I would accept that this issue is out of your hands and focus on your own weekend.

I don't. He's more than capable.

Surely he can let you know on handover how well he's slept etc.
my dh exw texts every morning asking how he is which seems ott to me.
I don't text me exh at all when he has the children. I trust that he will contact me if anything is wrong. Just like I would do the same when they are with me.
It seems like your ex could also be picking up on your anxiety and ignoring you even more to upset you. Don't let him have that power over you.
Take the weekends to do something nice for yourself.

And I think you need to stop asking when he's asleep. Don't give your ex that power over you.

I was like you cherry, an abusive drug addicted alcoholic ex enabled by the courts. My DD is autistic as well. He wouldn't contact me at all. When DD was 8 I got her a mobile phone - just for contact weekends - which helped. When she was 11 contact stopped completely because he attempted to strangle her and this time she was able to tell the professionals herself (the family courts never believed me) and allowed to choose whether or not to see him.

Frankly it sounds like your ex is a good deal better than mine so you might have to simply hold out until your DS is old enough for a phone. Good luck and so sorry this is happening to both of you.

I don't speak to my kids dad while he has them. He's a twat and he doesn't have the kids very often so I've always said if they want to speak to me then they can ring whenever but it doesn't happen. I think you have to just let him get on with it.

Never, he was having them once a fortnight until about 6 months ago, now he doesn't see them at all.

Whether your son is asleep or not, you can't actually do anything about it when he's with his dad. You need to keep your own peace and stop asking this, it gives him another thing to be controlling about, and, realistically, makes no difference to you at the time you want the information. Just ask at drop off how he slept.

Coparenting is hard, especially if the dad is a bit of a twat too, so you really need to choose your battles carefully, and this isn't the battle to have.

There's no need for him to tell you and no benefit to you to have this wish followed.

He could just as easily message you at 3am to say 'still awake' when he isn't to mess with your head even more - but he's not doing that, is he?

Once every couple of months maybe. He might send a picture to show a fun activity they’ve done or I might say the time to drop him back.

amicable relationship so I know he’s in good hands. I let him be the parent. When he first started having him overnight there were a few messages about routine but that’s it.

I would not expect him to text you when your son is asleep. I know it's hard to relinquish control when he is with his dad and it's natural for you to worry. But realistically, there's not much you can do if he's awake late and you need his dad to take responsibility while he's there. No doubt your ex will enjoy the fact that you're worrying and will withhold information deliberately so don't give him the satisfaction. If your son is happy to go to his dad's, reassure yourself that he's ok and you can provide him with a mobile phone when he's a bit older so you can text him goodnight.