To feel like there is no hope for a better life?

[SugarPlumpFairyCakes]

This isn't a pity party. I am being matter of fact but want to know if it is indeed hopeless.

I am 54 this year. I feel like I have no prospects or anything to look forward to. I feel like life is over really. Well, all the hopeful, happy bits.

I am recently divorced from an abusive man who has ruined us financially eg squandered the proceeds from the sale of our mortgage free house, run up lots of debt.

He would scream in my face whenever I wanted to know more about the family financials. It was pretty controlling scary behaviour and now I know why! He didn't want me to know what a mess he was making.

I have a BA, an MSc in marketing before everything went digital so it's irrelevant now.

Patchy work experience. Nothing that could be described as a career. No pension.

4 dcs aged from late to early teens.

I'm really struggling financially. Part time job. Need to pay rent. Get all the benefits already.

I just feel like there's nothing I can do to make our lives better. I long for financial independence. I apply for full time roles and get rejected all the time. I then worry how I would even find the clothes to wear to a full time job. In my part time role I can rotate my tiny wardrobe so I don't look like I'm wearing the same clothes every single day.

I'd love to own my own business but can't think what.

I would love to skill up and train in something solid. But what's the point? People don't employ older people. I feel like such a failure and even a failure for talking negative crap to myself.

I think I am still a bit stunned from the abusive marriage and lack clarity. But then I think I really am a no hoper. Is there really no way out? I dread older age. Lower energy, no home of my own anymore.

You have so many thoughts running through your mind at the same time, ranging from severe ones like having no pension, to thinking you don't have enough clothes for a full-time job. It sounds like you might have just left and moved into your own place and haven't had the time or get organised yet, is that correct? It does take a bit of time but once one thing falls into place, the rest tends to follow.

I also left an abusive long marriage with my two teens. At the time I worked 3 days a week but manage to up my hours to full-time after a few months. I also didn't have much of a pension but I am working quite hard att prioritising that and now that both my kids has become adults and moved out I have a lot more spare money each month.

Can you access therapy? I really think you need some help to get some sort of an action plan in place. You need more drive and less despondence but that's hard to achieve without help when you have spent so long feeling like you aren't worth much.

It sounds like confidence is your biggest hurdle, how can you become more confident? When do you feel the most confident? Is it when your kids gives you a hug and tells you they love you, is it when you have cooked a meal that everyone devours, is it when you get praise for something you have done a work, is it when you feel good about how you look or when you have managed to run 5K? Whatever it is that makes you feel good, do more of that, at the moment it sounds like you really think there is no worth to you, but there absolutely is.

You sound like you are very depressed and exhausted from being in and then leaving an abusive relationship, that may have gone on for a significant portion of your adult life. Now, it's hard to see any way forward. That doesn't mean there isn't one, but you're too drained to see it.

Well done for getting out of the relationship! Hold on to the fact that you're out and ready to start again. However, you're self worth has almost certainly been eroded in ways you won't even realize. This may sound glib but make a positive list about your life - everything about it, you've got stuck with all the bad things about your situation - of course there's loads of challenges but focussing on the better things might help balance them out, it's just near impossible to see those things when you're in the swamp. This might NOT be the time to try to work full time, if you can possibly afford not to for a bit longer. If you can possibly afford it, stay part time for a defined period of time, make that a conscious decision and give yourself some breathing space.

I left an abusive relationship and it took nearly 2 years to feel like I was on an even keel. It takes time and in my case, therapy. Childcare was also incompatible with my job so I had to find a new one whilst keeping the wolfish managers at bay. Thankfully I got lucky with a diagonal promotion in-house. But that took 18 months.

A lot of jobs require just having a degree, however irrelevant. My cousin told me that that's the case to get a lowest grade job on his career path, and it doesn't really matter in what, they just want proof you can apply yourself. I nearly didn't get my current role through lack of degree. So it does make a big difference.

Give yourself a bit of time and space. Job hunting is generally horrible anyway. I had to decline a role because I couldn't make the hours worse and the constant rejection makes you feel really crap.

Well firstly, congratulations on getting out of an abusive marriage, that's a huge achievement in itself. I'm sorry that you're feeling so low though, although it's unstandable when everything has changed so drastically.

I think you need to try and stop the negative self talk though. Do you think that's a hangover from your marriage? Did he used to put you down? You need to start reframing things in a positive way. You're free now, you can start building the life you want. There are lots of articles online about reducing negative chatter, read them all, over and over and over again until it sinks in (I've done this and it works!).

You say you'd like to be self employed, well that's possible! Doing what? You don't know, but you're only working part time at the moment, so why not spend some time trying new things? If I were you, I'd sign up for every free/cheap course going nearby, and once you look into it I'll bet you find loads. Don't worry too much about what it is, just to it and see what happens, where it leads, who you meet.

I think exercise is a great idea too. You're not old, you could have another 30 years left. So start exercising and get your energy levels up. A team sport might be good for you, it gets you out and makes you feel part of something. I think some netball clubs have teams for us older folks now, with less running involved! Or what about tennis? Badminton? Rowing? Running? Or just a good old fashioned exercise class like Zumba, yoga or pilates?

As for clothes, I'd say don't worry about wearing the same things all the time, most people aren't paying any attention at all to what you wear. Have you tried shopping in the charity shops? Some of my favourite clothes I've picked up for next to nothing and no one would ever guess they weren't new new.

At 54 you are in peri menopause territory, and that will affect the way you are feeling, I can sympathise.
Have you looked at your symptoms and considered HRT?

make a positive list about your life - everything about it, you've got stuck with all the bad things about your situation

This is good advice.

Also, pay attention to your emotions and when do do feel something positive, write it down. Note what you were doing at the time and who you were with, then you can start to build a picture of what gives you joy in life and can try and do more of it.

Also, write a list of all the things you've done in your life that you're proud of, no matter how big or small, and then reread it every day to remind yourself of what you are capable of, what you have achieved. Starting with raising 4 children - hats off to you for that!!!

A friend in her 50s has recently got a job in the civil service after over 15yrs out of the workplace to raise kids with a controlling emotionally abusive man she’s now divorced from. It’s a totally new career for her, unrelated to her previous degree, working mostly from home (no clothing issues!) lots of training provided and although it’s entry level wages at present, there’s a good pension scheme and pay progression. She’s loving her new life! The civil service recruits blind so they literally don’t know how old you are. Talk to your work coach about possibilities. You’ve got at least 13 years to build a workplace pension to to up your state pension. www.civilservicejobs.service.gov.uk/csr/index.cgi

Speak to CAB and Step Change regarding the debts.

Have a look online regarding free clothing for women - I just did a quick Google found a site called Share Care - register for 3 free items of 2nd hand clothing a week.

Go to Primark if there's one near you - try to budget even £15-20 a month for a few new items (it'll soon build up).

Look at your local college prospectus see what courses are available.

Speak to a work coach at the job centre.

Apply for anything that fits just to get back in the habit of interviews.

See about joining bank staff at an agency for support/care staff - you can pick up shifts that suit around your PT job - they'll offer free training.

Get enough sleep, and exercise - to help your well-being.

Self refer to free Talking Therapies if there are any in your local area.

supermarket - they'll supply a uniform. You just need trousers and shoes.

Nursing home - uniform supplied and they do offer the opportunity to do a nursing degree via them whilst obviously employed.

Home carers - uniform supplied.

Essentially for in the immediate I think you need to concentrate on finding FT employment, and then figure out your next step career wise.

If you keep getting turned down for roles - have you asked for feedback from the interviews? Use this as a base to see what you need to change there. Your CV/applications are getting you shortlisted though so focus on that positive.

I agree with @AnitaLoos look at public sector jobs, civil service, local authority, NHS etc. Decent terms and conditions and pension schemes.

Things sound very tough, but at least you no longer live with the abuse. I wish you and your DC well.

OP, you're going through a low patch but it will improve. Well done for getting out.

I'm eight years older than you, degree is business, I trained in marketing when social media didn't exist. I was made redundant in August and found a job as marketing manager in October. I had four jobs at 2nd interview stage. There is a serious skills shortage out there and all of your marketing knowledge and experience is just as relevant as it ever was. People's motivations for buying things haven't changed. A few of the buzz words have changed but that is all. Look outside your normal sector, You may be surprised.

You are rid of the dead weight of your ex. You will find things so much easier to achieve without him dragging you down. You can make decisions quickly. Prioritise finances correctly without arguments. Your dcs are old enough to need a little less of your attention so you have a little more freedom.

Can you increase hours in your current role? Or take a second job temporarily, - evening bar maid etc. Something that's a complete change and a fresh set of faces..

Can you do an on-line course in whichever parts of marketing practice you think you lack.to bring your skills up to date? You have a masters from a time when masters were rare. You are clearly very bright. and can turn this around.

Don't worry about clothes, spring is coming and a few bits off Vinted will solve that problem until you can buy better.

Treat February as a month to consolidate. Keep on with the job applications. Do a leaflet drop of the local business park, saying you are a marketeer with 30 years experience, looking for additional hours, and can write web content, run events, mailers and campaigns, sickness or maternity cover, on a short contract basis.

And take a day or two just for you. Rest. Remind yourself of the bits of you that you like. Have a pamper day at home. Get out in the fresh air and clear your head. Set yourself little achievable targets, like giving yourself a manicure or finding five tidy work shirts to get you through a week.

A few steps forward every day. Good luck.

I work in finance and my current and old workplace would employ someone your age if you were studying this area. You would be taken on as an associate (25k pa) and could work up to the next level in 2-3 years. So don't count yourself out of every career due to age.

The emotional impact is different to to practical side, to that end a few things sprung to mind. There are digital based training programs run specificly for women trying to take the next step after a break. A break doesn’t mean a true break; necessarily, just that you’re not in your chosen career or doing the hours you’d want. There are also.charities who rent clothes for specifically the purpose you describe. Have you tried contracting? If you brushed up your cv you could champion your writing skills etc (you’ll have these if you were in marketing) and go for copywriting etc roles. I say contracting as they’re quite lucrative and easier for an employer to take a punt on you as there’s lower risk…finding a role to give you confidence I think will be key.

There’s always hope. You’ve done the hardest part - escaping an abusive marriage is no easy thing and you’ve done it. Don’t continue the abuse by putting yourself down.

At 54 you’ve got a good few working years ahead, plenty of time to pick yourself up again and do something new. If you have marketing qualifications you could set up a business doing freelance promotion or writing while you continue in your part time job.

Your job would give stability and I found it relatively straightforward to navigate Universal Credit with a part time job and self employment - the beauty of keeping the part time job is that you’re not under pressure to hit the ground running in your business. Don’t worry about clothes for now - unless you need the boost that comes with feeling well presented - most people don’t notice the same trousers a couple of times a week.

You’re clearly capable, just a bit beaten down.

try nhs bank staffing in housekeeping, catering/kitchen or domestic departments. They often higher people and it can be flexible and has good pension options. Even 10 years paying into would yield a reasonable amount.

*higher older

You're already a warrior queen for leaving the nasty, abusive dickhead. Things will get better.

Wow! Thanks so much for all the positive talk. I feel a flicker of optimism.

Some days I feel so happy and almost powerful at being free from the bullying man. And then I remember what lies ahead.

I can't afford therapy. I am a British citizen but don't live in the UK at the moment. I couldn't come back even if I wanted to because our home was sold by his nibs.

I was looking at AAT accounting courses. I can do levels 2 and 3 online quite quickly. Which could land me a role in the finance arena and then perhaps continue to study to get more and more qualified?

I just need some solid skills. It's challenging juggling everything.

One of my DCs is severely depressed. He won't do anything like study or work. Just doesn't seem able to. Refuses to get psychological help too. So that's a big issue and for which I feel very guilty because I should have left my ex far earlier. We were all pretty scared.

I don't think I will ever be able to stop working. Which is fine. But I really hope my energy levels remain so I can keep money coming in!

I am so heartened by the support and wisdom. Thank you.