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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mediation

3 replies

ForRoseSheep · 24/01/2025 16:50

Talk to me about mediation. Separated a year. 2 kids both under 8. Liar, cheat, possible narcissist…definite cunt.

Works shifts. Seems to think that he would get his own way in mediation and he’d have the kids when he’s off. I also work, weekly pattern somewhat flexible…I get childcare when I’m at work. I’m like a fucking clown juggling all of the balls, I’ve lost half of them if I’m honest. But still going non-the-less. Dad gets them when he’s off…fuck all to do…clothes are clean, bags are packed, homework done…”fun uncle” vibes. But it’s not enough. He puts in the calendar when he’s unavailable, when he wants them. Just days not times. But he wants them more, yeah it’s great he wants to see them. But I have very little quality time. Am I bitter? No I'm better. But hate this controlling hold he has because he knows I’d have the kids whenever!!!

Anywaaaay back to the question. How does mediation work? Do they look at both of our shift patterns? And will he get them on his days at work and have to find childcare?

OP posts:
ForRoseSheep · 24/01/2025 20:19

Mediation advice.

OP posts:
Ilovethewild · 24/01/2025 20:23

Mediation is the opportunity for you both to put forward your requests.
consider what is best for kids
what are you suggesting?
both parents should get weekends/holidays/school runs etc

mediation doesn’t make decisions they offer a third person to facilitate the conversation
ensure you are being reasonable

don’t worry what he does

ocelot3 · 24/01/2025 20:37

Never engage with mediation alongside a narcissist bully. I think in terms of domestic abuse this is now well known but wasn’t common advice until more recently. Giving such men the attention they demand of us, via mediation, is not advisable. Fwiw my ex wanted nothing more than to continue to gain my attention in whatever way he could and he thought mediation was a great opportunity for this . The only way to get rid of him was to grey rock him as far as possible and ensure that any essential contact about our child was done via one channel and not to respond to any other demands. I had dreadful experiences with cafcas and mediation services who couldn’t manage him and thought he was charming… For me this added insult to injury having experienced what is now recognised as coercive control which started as soon as I was pregnant. At that time it wasn’t commonly recognised. So I would say definitely no to mediation with the sort of character you describe.

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