AIBU to feel upset about my husband’s behaviour?

[svn7707]

Hi everyone,
I need some perspective here because I’m feeling a bit fed up and don’t know if I’m overreacting. For context, we’ve been married 10 years and have two DC (6 and 3). My husband is generally a good dad and partner, but there are a few things that have been getting under my skin lately.

For one, he’s always on his bloody phone. Whether it’s scrolling news, playing some daft game, or checking football scores, it feels like he’s constantly distracted. I’ll try to talk to him about something – even important stuff like the kids’ school or plans for the week – and half the time, I’ll get a vague “hmm” while he’s glued to the screen. When I point it out, he either gets defensive or says he’s “just decompressing.”

Another thing is that he seems to think housework and mental load are optional for him. Don’t get me wrong, he’ll do the dishes or put the bins out if I ask, but it’s always me who has to notice what needs doing and organise everything. I’ve tried not nagging to see if he’ll step up on his own, but surprise surprise – he doesn’t! It’s like he thinks the laundry fairies just sort it all.

Finally, he’s started going to the gym loads. Which is great for his health and all, but it’s always at peak chaos time – right after work when I’m trying to get the kids fed, bathed, and ready for bed. I’ve asked him to pick a different time or help out more before he goes, but he just says, “You’ve got it handled, you’re amazing at this stuff.” Which I am, but I’m also knackered and could really use some support.

AIBU to feel upset and taken for granted? I do love him, and I know he works hard, but I just feel like I’m carrying more than my fair share lately. Any advice on how to approach this without it turning into a row?

TIA!

YANBU op. Have you tried sitting down with your husband and having a proper conversation, about how you are feeling?

My husband sounds exactly the same, apart from the gym, which he does try to do when it isn't a peak time for the DCs. In fairness, he works hard and sorts all of the house administration.
I understand through the week relating to jobs is my responsibility, but on a weekend it never feels shared. It is always me staying in my week mode when it comes to feeding dcs, housework etc.

I also get the ignoring thing too, like he just can't be bothered; it almost makes you feel like a hindrance. I sat down and talked with dh, and it really helped. I have come to realise he is probably ND, and struggles to break concentration. He felt I was telling him to do things right now, so I've started to say "x needs done, when you're free," rather than "can you do this." I have also come to realise that he literally doesn't notice the things I do, and has a lower standard for general tidiness and cleanliness of the house. I am quite organised, OCD, he is laid back and messy!
Oh and on the gaining attention thing, dh knows now, that I'll refuse to talk to him if he doesn't put his phone down, and look me in the eyes like a human being.

I assume you'll be telling him how wonderful HE is at bed and bathtime and that therefore you'lve signed up for a yoga class on tuesdays and a book club on Thursdays?

Weaponised incompetence, and the resentment of this type of behaviour is what destroys many relationships. Unless he wants to be another statistic of a man dumped because his wife saw him as nothing more than another child to take care of (seriously unattractive) he better start seeing the chores without being told, and do his bit of parenting.

Sounds like he’s checked out if I’m honest. Are you sure he’s going to the gym also? My ex pulled the same stunt when there was another woman. Going to the gym all the time and constantly on your phone can be signs .

Oh and next time your dh is on his phone, say something random/risque that he isn't expecting. It'll break his concentration, then you will know he can hear, and then talk about what you wanted to in the first place.

You need to sit down and have a firm conversation with him.

Tell him you’re feeling neglected and nit listened to and if it Continues it’s going to have a negative effect on the relationship.

Yes I understand the need to decompress and have time on his phone but you need to come to some arrangement where he is being more present in family life and engaging with everyone and then he can have his phone time.

Tell him that you’re happy he’s so invested in the gym however he needs to be less selfish about the times he’s choosing to go and it’s something you should discuss and decide as a team. Tell him to imagine the shoe on the other foot and if you decided just to up and leave the house at busy times without discussing it with him and ask how he’d feel?

Him saying you’ve “got things handled.” Is absolute bullshit. Remind him that you both made these children and they’re both of your responsibilities. Just because you look like you’re handling something doesn’t mean the load isn’t heavy.

Get a whiteboard in the kitchen with days of the week on. Make sure there are daily tasks on there with both of your names assigned to stuff. Bins, shopping, hoovering, pick ups etc.

Everything should be shared out equally. Tell him to step up as a joint parent in this family or to leave and make life easier on you by having one less man child around.

YANBU. This is classic weaponised incompetence, and it’s unfair. Why should you always have to notice what needs doing or shoulder the chaos while he scrolls his phone or prioritises the gym? His you’ve got this line is just an excuse to leave you to do everything.

You’re not a manager, and he’s not your helper. He’s a grown adult and a parent, so he should be pulling his weight without being asked. Maybe it’s time to stop picking up the slack. Go to the gym yourself or set time for something you enjoy and let him step up.

You need to have a frank conversation and set boundaries. Let him know this isn’t sustainable and he needs to stop opting out of his responsibilities. It’s not nagging to expect basic fairness in a partnership.

@Cookingdisaster do you mean you have diagnosed OCD? Or that you think you have a diagnosable MH condition? If so I’m really sorry you are also suffering and I hope you’ve been able to get treatment.

If what you mean you like to keep things clean and organised, that is not having OCD. Please don’t use the term as it’s massively undermining and insulting to the many people who have this serious illness.

Diagnosed.

Ah fair enough. As I said, I’m sorry you’re also suffering with this. Unfortunately far too many people use the term in the context of being clean/tidy. I think it’s important to check how people are using the term

In your conversation with him, let him know that you don’t need ‘help’, you need him to put his phone down and pitch in. To actively look at what needs doing and just do it. You’re not his mum giving him his chores and a ‘well done’ like he’s 14.

I’d be reminding him that he’s a parent too. He sounds like my Year 9s.

Yes, mine lies cormobidly with epilepsy unfortunately; two for the price of one! The OCD is a little genetic present passed on from one of my dps unfortunately, I suspect. On 3 different meds for those, feel sedated a lot of the time, but dh's level of mess is off the charts. I understand where you're coming from. I hate it when people use "seizure", as a colloquial term too. Anyway I'll not derail the thread any further about my overactive mind!

Hope you're okay yourself, conditions of the brain are tough!

He is putting you in the role of default parent/dogsbody.
It isn't right or fair but he doesn't seem to care about jot.
Stop doing things for him, his washing, his dinner, stop facilitating his life and let him suffer the consequences.
He needs to pick up the children part of the week, you tell him what days you are having time to yourself and he is in charge of the children and dinner.
Nip this in the bud now or he will never change.

So he's a shit selfish husband and father.
He does the absolute least he can get away with.
He feels no obligation to share the load with you.
He has joined a gym as an opportunity to do even less.

He has checked out.
I wouldn't be one bit surprised if he is up for cheating, he certainly has zero interest in you, his children or family life.

I feel very sorry for youband your children.
You both deserve better.
Much better.

I'm afraid OP I would be worried by his behaviour as you seem to be saying it's a fairly recent change.
Being on his phone all the time, taking up going to the gym and checking out of family life the way you describe are classic signs of cheating.