Boyfriend refers to ex wife as “we” when in conversation, red flag ?

[Posyflossy]

My boyfriend (of 8 mths) is constantly referring to "we" when telling a story that involves ex.They have a son together, weren't married for that long nor knew each other that long to begin with but when telling me stories it always seems to have her in it. He has had longer relationships and I've never once heard a story that involves any of these women which is why I think I'm upset, it's always her that he brings up. I have told him it bothers me but he still does it.

I never bring up my ex's when I refer to stuff in the past, I always say " I did this or I went there" and if he asks who with I will say my ex but for the most part I am conscious of what I say because while my ex’s are apart of my past I feel no need to mention them. I don't know whether I need to cut him some slack or is it a sign he isn’t over her.

Am I being unreasonable over the usage of a word ?

Tia

I actually find it quite annoying when people say “we” for everything all the time even when it’s people I’m not in a relationship with and never have been, such as platonic friends and acquaintances. Own your own actions, don’t put everything down to “we”.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable actually. If they were married/have a child then she’s not going to just fade into the background and vanish.

Yeah, no, I don't think this would bother me. Even if they weren't together that long they have a child together. Assuming that is his only child then she was his most significant past relationship. You know they were together, you know that a lot of these things that he's telling you about she was involved in. I don't really think it makes any sense to pretend that she wasn't.

If he's talking about her all the time for no reason, about how great she is or whatever, and you think that he might still be in love with her, then yes that would bother me.

I think your overthinking it.
Him saying we doesnt mean he isn't over her, but you being so bothered by it is a sign of something!

I hope you can resolve your feelings towards this!

I think you're massively over-thinking this and being a bit obsessive about it.

I can just imagine the opposite thread: my boyfriend always implies he went somewhere alone and only when I press him, it turns out he went with his ex. Why can't he say "we" right away? What is he hiding? Is he still in love with her?

You can't bloody win on MN.

They have a child

I think YABU, sorry. Even though I always say 'I' rather than 'we' if referring to something I did with my ex-husband. My other half always uses 'we' and I know he means he and his ex-wife, doesn't bother me though. He had a life before me, no point trying to erase it. Same for yours.

I actually had this with my husband. He was worried I’d be jealous. I just had him spill it all and also to clarify which one he was with (because most I don’t care about but the one who spent 3 months insulting me to try and get him back…)

What on earth is this level of overthinking? I use "we" if I did something with someone else or multiple people. I use "I" if I did it by myself. This is just how language works.

And now they are separated. Hope that helps.

constantly referring to "we" when telling a story that involves ex

This seems entirely normal to me. They have a child together so whatever the length of their relationship they are now inexorably intertwined...forever.

I think the "red flag" here is the one you're raising. Being in a relationship with someone who has children with someone else can be very tricky and doesn't suit everyone. He'll always be interacting with her and you'll always have to deal with the "we" aspect. She's not going anywhere so make sure you're OK with that.

The thing is if he is going do some parenting (and one hopes he is) then he’s not going to break contact with the ex for that reason.
It’s not a good idea to become sensitive about any and every reference to her under those circumstances.

I second this 100%

I say we when talking about something that happened when my ex was there. My ex is in a photo on my wall. Because he was a big part of my life and will always be special to me. I still see his Mum regularly. Another ex I've remained friends with. Its a friendship thats important to me. I'm not going to pretend or whitewash my past for anyone. I'm certainly not pandering to anyones insecurities.

Unless it was talking about parenting then it sounds annoying. Surely the man has a mind of his own. Like people saying 'we are pregnant'. Well, one of you certainly fucking isn't. Lol.
You should tell him you are finding him talking about his ex quite annoying. You don't do it so you request he doesn't either as you have no interest in his past relationships.

The overthinking on this forum is pretty impressive in general.

Yes they do, but he is never talking about his child when talking about his ex. If it was something to do with his child that wouldn’t be an issue.

I divorced my ex husband in 1996. I still talk about things that “we” did together. We didn’t have children, it was an acrimonious divorce, and I have no residual feelings. It wouldn’t be a red flag for me to hear anyone talk in this way, even if it was much more recent. They had a life and did things before meeting you.

He is a great father, I never said anything about him not having contact with his ex. He obviously has to maintain contact with her. He doesn’t need to mention his ex in a conversation if it has nothing to do with their child. I certainly don’t want to know about his ex and their past all the time.

What’s the actual context? My ex husband and I did trips and various things together and years on I would still say “we” did things because “we” did. I didn’t do them alone? It’s just another part of my life. I would find it odd if someone felt I should erase a shared experience when recounting it, even though I have absolutely no feelings for him anymore. Doesn’t mean that I didn’t do things with him, or that those are happy memories I’m ok talking about.

Erm, I've been married for 15 years and my DH will still tell me stories from his past that has his wife in, or maybe previous girlfriends and he must use "we" and I don't care. I might be in the minority here but I am not at all threatened by them and enjoy hearing stories from his past even if they involve an ex. Would you be upset if he used "we" when talking about something he did with a friend? I think you need to stop trying to erase his past.

Maybe he does it just because she’s still in his life and always will be because they have a child together. It’s different for you when you’re talking about things that happened with ex’s, because presumably you don’t have contact with them all the time like he does.

My partner used to refer to his ex wife as “DS’s mum,” until I told him to behave and refer to her by name.

He’s got a past, that involves a marriage and son. It was a big part of his life over a long period, and she is now part of our life because of their shared child.

I don’t have any issue with him referring to things they did together, or using the term “we,” because I’m not in competition with a woman he’s already divorced and he can’t just erase over a decade of life experience.

What, specifically, is he saying?