The sibling drama continues...

[Confusedmama21]

I posted a thread before Christmas asking advice on how to navigate Christmas day after finding out my siblings had been saying horrible things behind my back about me and my pregnancy.

Anyways, things escalated. I cancelled Christmas dinner and tried to offer an alternative of just a Christmas buffet, instead they rejected and went off to do boxing day without me, DC or dp. Fine. However one of my siblings reported back that again they were talking bad about me whilst all together on boxing day, and it was the last straw for me. I rang them to say it was bad enough being excluded but Im tired of hearing them talk about me in a negative way and it was impacting me and my pregnancy. I decided enough was enough, and told them I wanted them to stay out of my life from now on since they weren't bringing my anything but stress and hadn't even asked once about the pregnancy or DC.

A couple of weeks after that one sis messaged me whilst drunk, ranting that I was using my DC to hurt them. I calmly explained that this extended past just Christmas, that my siblings never really bother with dc. They constantly meet up with each others children but don't invite mine. I have asked them to dc birthday celebrations and they decline. They didn't bother over the Christmas period, despite me stupidly trying to invite them on new years for a celebration and again being shot down. With all this in mind, and the amount of let down it's caused my DC, I decided that their presence in dc's life was doing more damage than good. The conversation then randomly turned to something personal that I felt my sister was bringing up to divert any responsibility from her actions. Without going into it, the convo ended with her blocking me.

She then proceeded to tell all my family members that I had said horrible cruel things to her about said personal situation, which just was not true. I said I'm sorry she was having a hard time but that it did not negate the issue at hand and just wanted some accountability for the way she was being towards me. She then kept trying to talk to me through other family members which I found extremely immature and told them to simply respond by letting her know I'm hear to chat if she wants to unblock me but I will not be receiving second hand messages.

After weeks of no contact, this sister has NOW decided she wants take my DC out as she "misses her" despite literally never asking to take her out her entire life or bothering to initiate meeting up. Of course this has added fuel for my sister, and she has told my other dsis ( the one who has been telling me the horrible things being said ) that she feels I'm gate keeping my child and that her children are missing my child. Again, the timing is just ridiculously coincidental. It almost seems like reverse psychology at this point as she has had plenty of opportunities to see my DC and never bothered, but now suddenly wants to put in effort.

Here's the aibu part. Me and dsis who are speaking have gotten into a row about this. Despite my sister's extreme actions of saying nasty things about me, lying, and then blocking me, my dsis thinks I am being the immature one by not bending to my other sister's will and allowing her to see my DC because she decides so. The way I see it, this sister has not communicated with me for nearly a month now. She has made a point to tell my dsis she will talk to me in regards of "DC" but nothing else. I don't feel comfortable with her taking DC out when we aren't on good terms. Dsis insists I'm going to make the situation worse, like it's my problem to fix??? She says I'm making this about me when I should be thinking about DC. I argue that I am. If this sister had a consistent relationship with my DC prior to all this happening I would of happily had that dynamic continue, but the way I see it is that this sister is only doing this now to make a point and it comes across entirely disingenuous.

Now me and dsis aren't talking because I'm baffled that she is defending our sisters behaviour and rather than calling her out, is now pinning it all on me when I feel I haven't done anything wrong?!

This is really getting me down now. I'm weeks away from giving birth and feel so alone. I've already had to cut off the 2 siblings that were causing me grief, I don't have a relationship with my dad as he is very toxic as a person, and now I'm not happy with the one dsis I am talking to. I really can do with a village and support at this time. I'm so sad I'm going into this birth with my family dynamic as fractured as it's ever been, and I'm sad my children won't have that network either. But neither siblings have apologised and I doubt it they ever will, instead they just feel entitled to my DC on their terms.

Aibu or is my dsis? Am I now being the immature one by not letting my DC see their aunt? My head's all over the place and I'm so deflated from this all, just need some clarity on the situation.

Thanks for reading I know it's a long one!

If crazy sister can’t be civil to you and can’t be trusted to not speak poorly to your children about you then she sure as hell doesn’t get your DC unsupervised!
Honestly, block the lot of them and enjoy the peace and quiet for the remainder of your pregnancy and postpartum period. Even the ‘good’ family members are bringing you nothing but drama, guilt and manipulation.

They both sound nuts. You're not "gatekeeping" your DC, you're protecting her from all this bullshit. Your sister's got form for talking about you behind your back, so you know that if you let her take DD out she'll be in her ear, your mum said this, your mum said that. DD doesn't need that and nor do you

Why is sister you are talking to telling you all the horrible things other sister said about you? She's just stirring. Tell her you won't discuss other sister with her.

Don't let other sister access your child if you don't trust her, your child isn't a dolly you need to share nicely with your sister.

Soooo much drama! Just block the lot of them and be done with it..

Just concentrate on your impending little one and be glad that they're out of your life.

@Namechangetry I don't know, after the Christmas ordeal and things blew up, dsis backed out and said she didn't want to be caught in the middle anymore. However since then, I've asked her to stop relaying messages from other sister but she keeps doing it!

I don't quite get why she isn't respecting what I'm saying and still getting herself involved, especially given she was the one who said she didn't want any part in it anymore.

I'm starting to think she is liking the drama at my expense...

@Fedupandstressed it really is!!!! You wouldn't believe this is all coming from 40/50 year olds! I'm the youngest yet sometimes feel our ages are the other way round. It's just so ridiculously petty. Even typing it all out I can't believe how secondary school drama this all seems. How no one else can see how pathetic this all is, is beyond me!

Btw loving the username 😂

@Confusedmama21 they are your children and you come as a package! you owe your drunken sister nothing and your other sister has been witness to her bad mouthing you. just cut it now, they are not worth the grief. you will perhaps struggle for a wee while but you will be busy with your new baby. let your dp and his family help you. is the drunken sis the eldest so she thinks she is head of the family???

Well she's getting something out of it, or she wouldn't keep doing it. You're not getting anything good out of it though.

Shut her down every time she starts saying anything about other sister, just say 'I've told you I don't want to hear about that'. When she continues say 'I've just said, I don't want to talk about Betty'. If she carries on say'why are you not listening when I've said I'm not talking about Betty? Stop or I'll go home ' then go home if she doesn't stop. She's not respecting your boundaries so you have to hold them yourself.

@Namechangetry I literally did just that, unfortunately it was over text so dsis proceeded to tell me anyway and there was no way of not seeing it. I guess she pushed the message forward because she clearly thinks it's a reasonable request on other sister's behalf and thinks I am being the irrational one to deny her seeing DC now she wants to care

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld that's my stance on it as well but dsis then says I'm using my DC to make it about me.

I am strong believer that if you don't have a good relationship with the mother you can not then expect to be entitled or owed a relationship with her children, family or not. I think dsis fails to understand this as she isn't a mum herself so from her perspective I'm being the difficult and selfish one.

However it is also for dc's sake as this sister has let down my DC countless times, saying she will come to her bday ect and then not. My children don't need flaky unreliable people in their lives that chose when they can be bothered with them!

You tell her that your parenting decisions and your relationship or lack thereof with your other sister is nothing to do with her, I have already asked you to stop bringing this up but you are ignoring so while you do want to be in touch you don’t want to talk to her about any of it any more. That the subject I’d off the table and if she can’t respect that then you will end the call/leave the visit. If she still doesn’t respect it then you may have no choice but to cut contact with her too (at least for a while)

as for the other siblings. Completely disengage. Do not bite to anything ever! And if someone else brings it up say you only know one side of the story annd it certainly doesn’t match my experience of the same conversation but I won’t be discussing it so drop it please. In a polite but non movable way.

all engagement will fuel the behaviour. You can’t control others only your own response and behaviour so remove yourself completely from it. It’s like a fire if you remove the oxygen it dies or at least can’t cause harm while it’s only smouldering.
your response is the oxygen. Stop feeding the fire.

it feels unfair because you think you should get your say too as that is how adults behave but you are not dealing with a polite adult so you just have to bit your tongue and know you are in the right even if she spreads lies.

The way I see it is that the sister who is speaking to you is the flying monkey of the sibling that is causing the hassle.

Of course you're not going to accept at this point in time anything or any suggestion of letting the disruptive sibling take your kids out because they haven't done that up to now. The sister saying "But why not? What harm can it do?" has never been in the situation that you find yourself in and wouldn't understand what it's like or why you need to put in firm boundaries that can't be walked all over.

Stick with your boundaries, tell the sister that you are still talking with that the answer is no and to drop it as a topic of conversation or you'll be left with no option but to start blocking her too. You'll keep blocking family until the issues and boundary overstepping stops.

Whilst I don't think you should let someone take your child if they refuse to speak to you, the way you paint yourself as the innocent party doesn't seem very likely to me. You're also talking about your family behind their back via your sister who is clearly two faced and telling takes between you all. This sounds like a toxic family on all sides to be honest.

Well this is a story that I'm sure has many sides to it.

Whoever is right or wrong (and we on MN have no clue), it's all too dramatic isn't it?

Cut them out and concentrate on your own immediate family.

Plenty of people manage to raise their own kids without a village, especially when the village causes this much drama.

Also, you need to get to the bottom of why one of your sisters has suddenly completely taken against your husband, and why your other two sisters are against you continuing with your pregnancy.

I'd be doing a lot of digging if I were you.

I think one final conversation is needed with your sis you are in contact with. Tell her as DCs mother you choose who they have contact with, it’s not a game is called being a mother. That you’ve made your decision whether she agrees or not, please let the subject drop because you don’t want to talk about it any more and want to keep your relationship healthy with your sis. Tell her going on you’d rather not talk about the others.

if she refuses then you can only step away from her. If she agrees and keeps talking about them grey rock her ( pre tend she didn’t say anything) and talk about something else.

i do wonder how much of all this is caused by the sis telling you things. It feels like she’s stirring. When I was in contact with both my brothers one would slag the other off all the time. I kept out of it as it would have caused ww3 and I’d have been called a stirrer.

i am NC with my mother and one brother, very low contact with my other brother, there is an unspoken rule we just don’t talk about the others, it makes life so much easier.

Both sisters seem as bad as each other. The one you were speaking to ignored your wishes to drop the subject and sent texts so she could have her say whether you like it or not. Telling you horrible things your other sister has said is stirring, trouble making just like some kids do. But it really shouldn’t be happening now you are adults with your own families and children because they suffer too. And she is almost certainly telling your other sister things she shouldn’t about you.

I think the only way you might put an end to the toxicity and remain in contact is to sit down with the two of them and get all the backstabbing out in the open, all the grievances and have an honest conversation about what you all want going forward. Like a formal mediation.

Personally, I would give that a try, one last chance so to speak. Siblings are the people we have the longest relationships with and I always find it sad when they just can’t get on. But really, just because we have the same parents doesn’t mean we will get on. I hope you get some peace one way or the other

@ThejoyofNC Im not trying to paint myself in any light, however I don't really know what I did to warrant any of this.

This all started when all my siblings went abroad without me and then used the opportunity to talk bad about me. Also dsis said two other sister's called her to have a conference call after I announced my pregnancy to then talk badly about me and my decision to keep it.

Upon hearing all this, I was meant to host Christmas for them all, and decided otherwise as I felt like a mug. I did, however, keep the invite there, just minus the Christmas dinner. As they were making me feel bad saying I had ruined their kids Christmas' and they were looking forward to it ect. But they rejected the invite and instead went on to do boxing day without me, presumably to make a point and also use the time to talk more about how out of order I was to cancel Christmas (although I didn't).

My only regret was not saying something sooner, as dsis who told me all of this asked me not to mention I knew to keep her name out of it. I wish I had stood up for myself. I have a tendency to allow people to walk over me. I'm proud of myself for being assertive for once! Again, I am the baby of the family so I think my sister's thinks they can do and say what they feel fit towards me. However I am nearly 30 and a soon to be mum of 2 and it's about time I started acting like one.

@Lurkingandlearning I did try that with my sisters over phone call, they muted me! I ended up talking to myself and so hung up. I then tried to talk to my sister again when she was drunk and ranting at me, but she isn't known to listen or take accountability on a good day let alone when she is in that state. That's when she brought up her personal life issue and diverted the conversation entirely. And then went on to tell my dmum and sis that I was saying things that weren't true, I even showed dmum the convo. She did say she had her suspicions and it didn't sound like me to say these really horrible things. After I showed dmum the truth she concluded its my sister taking everything very dramatically out of context since it's a sensitive subject for her. However I don't think my sister would ever back down or hear otherwise. In her eyes I'm the bad guy. In my eyes I'm the outlet and punching bag she needs since she is very unhappy in herself at the moment.

You need to cut contact and stop being drawn in to the drama. You don't have to respond or argue the point - you can simply choose to walk away. Concentrate on your immediate family - partner, children - they are the important people in your life. Not all families are healthy, some are very dysfunctional. You are under no obligation to have a relationship with them at all. You just have to make that choice for yourself.

You are having a baby in a few weeks... and you've said your head is all over the place, that's understandable.
I think there are several knots to untangle.
All sides sound quite angry with each other and I think you are feeling like the odd one out.
It's very hard to work out what's going on really. Only you know. But being up to your neck in all this rancour is not doing you or your newbie any good at all... You must take a step back and try to calm down.
Making declarations about cutting contact may not be as helpful as it sounds as it gets everyone's backs up even further. You do say things about wanting your DC to know them, so it sounds like you'd like a better relationship with them, if that is indeed possible. But. NEVER ever try to reason with drunks. It will never end well. Why would you even try?

In that case Better to just say... I'm going to concentrate on getting through the birth now... and quietly step back, don't engage or make announcements. Very LC whilst you work out what you want and what is possible, rather than burn your bridges going completely NC? (Unless that's really the only way)
Perhaps your partner or your Mum could be helpful in fending off the drama and keeping things calm for you. Can he have a quiet word with -In the Middle sis - and ask her nicely to tell them all to back off.

I wouldn't be at all comfortable with handing my child over to someone who will only communicate in the third person, hasn't shown much interest before, protests about being deprived of your DC and wants to make some kind of point. (or from her side..perhaps she does genuinely want to be involved despite the disagreements )

You'd be quite within your rights to say so to in the middle Sis... not while she only communicates through third person. (I guess your child's age would make a difference too) But better to say... can't think about anything now until I give birth and get settled again, end of. Even to say to Middle sis... can't speak/text... too tired. So you don't have to reply or give her any info to take back. And then just quietly let it drop. Drama averted. Plus, If she's often drunk and argumentative, I wouldn't let her in the house, much less take charge of my DD.

This would give you a breathing space, which is what you need most atm I think.
In the meantime, you could try to access some kind of counselling or therapy to help you cope with all this family drama, decide what you want to do going forward and give you some strategies for dealing with it.

It's your health, the birth and your existing child who should be getting all the attention, not all this silly sibling drama. Take a giant step back and breathe. Let them do them. Don't be drawn in. See friends and people who are genuinely supportive. Get your partner to do neutral communication eg birth announcement, if you decide its appropriate. Best of luck.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff thanks for the insight. A bit of a drip feed but my sister is a functioning alcoholic. She has changed alot in temperament because of this. Of course in an ideal world I'd like to have a healthy relationship with her and my other siblings, I love my nephew and nieces as well and have been very active in their lives. However she is just entirely unreasonable as a person and has become very bitchy. I really struggle to like her as a person because I don't agree with a lot of things she does, drinking being one of them. I'm afraid I'll never find resolve with her because of the way she is, and it doesn't help that my eldest sister constantly defends and provokes her behaviour.

It's really hard to accept that I've lost relations with two of my sisters. Pur family dynamic has always been very dysfunctional and broken because of my dad, so it's more important to me now that my parents are divorced that we appreciate each others company and stay together as a family. Unfortunately I can't control nor change them and I feel like this is beyond me just wanting it to be so.

OP, would you have people like this in your life if they were not blood related? Probably not. Don't think you have to maintain any sort of relationship just because they're "family". Cut off the lot of them and allow yourself to experience some calm for a while.

I didn't see your previous thread. Does your DP have a good family who can offer some support?

Both of your sisters are awful.
You have one openly awful sister who has made it clear she’s awful and wants to use your child as a pawn.
You have one gaslighty awful sister who has no problem telling you all the awful things the other one says but then expects you to be ok with it???
I know it’s hurtful but these fuckers aren’t your village , bin em both off and let them eat each other - EDIT to say: that might be harsh , as the gaslighty sister is the eldest maybe she feels a sense of duty to the functioning alcoholic and like she needs to protect her , and it’s easier to have a go at you to keep the peace - but in that case she still shouldn’t be telling you the awful things she says

Family dynamic has always been very dysfunctional and broken ... so it's more important to me ... that we appreciate each others company and stay together as a family. Unfortunately I can't control nor change them.

You are absolutely right there. You can't change or control them.
And if the family dynamic has always been dysfunctional and broken... then I think that you can't change that either... You can only control how you react and how much involvement you have in it. You can refuse to get embroiled and quietly withdraw, you have the perfect excuse (not that you need one).
It is very difficult when we live in a world of people talking about family values, the importance of family etc. People who have that are very very lucky, but its not possible for everyone, for many reasons...and the urge is to think, well if I try harder with them, it will all come good. It can be that we are almost grieving the family we could have had... if they only co-operated!
I think it's natural a lot of siblings become more focused on their own lives as they get older.
You've got your child and new baby coming, that's your little family unit. You'd have to think about how much of that dysfunctional dynamic you want them to see. If your sister is a functioning alcoholic, she probably doesn't recognise that she is and is not a suitable person to take your child out. You don't have to declare this and set them all off again, just quietly evade and withdraw, she will soon forget about this plan. You don't even have to make hard and fast decisions now. Just get through the birth first.

But as I said earlier, It might be possible to have some sort of contact, on your terms, but draw your boundaries and don't let them cross any of them. I'd expect a lot lot less of them and look to building new friendships. Your main focus is your children. If the sibling stuff is making you unhappy and anxious, take a break to let things calm down and give yourself some peace. Make a plan about how you want (and don't want) the first months with new baby to go. Best of luck OP.