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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feel so sorry for the next girlfriend

9 replies

tropicalroses · 24/01/2025 12:07

I broke up with my ex last year. It took me a while, he was financially difficult, and we were in a sexless, affectionless relationship. When we got together he told me about how his ex had cheated on him. What I didn't realise was she had cheated on him because he had no interest in sex at all- I am not saying she was right, but there is a reason for it.

After 18 months together sex became infrequent for us, stopping entirely at 2 years in. He then constantly made excuses, wouldn't seek help and left me thinking it was my fault.

I genuinely believe he stayed with me for just for financial reasons, I paid most of his living expenses and bills. When he finally moved out he met another woman within a few weeks. I'd never reach out and tell her all of this, and I don't want to sabotage his relationship.

But I do feel bad for her, that this is his pattern, meet a high-flying woman, behave one way in the early days to seal the deal as it were and then revert to type. I guess if he was upfront about not wanting sex or whatever then I wouldn't mind- but it is the pretending to be someone he's not.

I want to stay out of it, and I will stay out of it. I just feel so sorry for another woman going into this situation and knowing about it.

I heard all about his 'evil ex' in the early days, and fell for it hook, line and sinker. I do hope when a few months in the shine starts to wear off this for the new GF she thinks about things a little more objectively than I did.

OP posts:
fatphalange · 24/01/2025 12:12

Sounds like he will manage to sabotage it himself just fine. I doubt she or any of the next ones will stick around for too long. And no offence but the 'evil ex' is a massive red flag- few will proceed with a proper relationship with him when he shows himself to obviously for what he is.

fatphalange · 24/01/2025 12:12

So*

tropicalroses · 24/01/2025 12:15

fatphalange · 24/01/2025 12:12

Sounds like he will manage to sabotage it himself just fine. I doubt she or any of the next ones will stick around for too long. And no offence but the 'evil ex' is a massive red flag- few will proceed with a proper relationship with him when he shows himself to obviously for what he is.

On the 'evil ex' being a red flag, I know that now!!! It always made me uncomfortable when he said it. But I'd never internet dated, met him in real life and had never heard the term red flag or thought of it as a thing until probably about 2 years ago!!! Now I agree I'd run for the hills 😂

OP posts:
TammyJones · 24/01/2025 12:19

fatphalange · 24/01/2025 12:12

Sounds like he will manage to sabotage it himself just fine. I doubt she or any of the next ones will stick around for too long. And no offence but the 'evil ex' is a massive red flag- few will proceed with a proper relationship with him when he shows himself to obviously for what he is.

Agree
I think we meet people like this - problem people.
It's all part of learning
All you can do
Is putting down to experience and move on, as you are doing.
Even if you did tell the new gf, she would not believe you , or worse think you could change him.
It's sad all round

Greyish2025 · 24/01/2025 12:26

tropicalroses · 24/01/2025 12:15

On the 'evil ex' being a red flag, I know that now!!! It always made me uncomfortable when he said it. But I'd never internet dated, met him in real life and had never heard the term red flag or thought of it as a thing until probably about 2 years ago!!! Now I agree I'd run for the hills 😂

I think you come across as very naive

ThatMrsM · 24/01/2025 13:49

Honestly I wouldn't even think about it, just learn from the experience and move on. Maybe his new girlfriend will go through the same as you, maybe she won't put up with him for as long as you did, or maybe he'll finally be open about it/get help.

The good news is it's not your problem anymore!

tropicalroses · 14/03/2025 16:16

Just as an update because I got a message from him today telling me he has lost his job, and is there any money left from the house sale!! Errr no you idiot, the solicitor sent you all your money on completion, I wasn't allowed to hold onto some of it for you!!!

Apparently he's worried about where him and his cat will live, because his tenancy is up for renewal in a few weeks. I'm guessing at not quite a year the new GF isn't looking like a housing opportunity yet...

OP posts:
Boomer55 · 14/03/2025 16:18

Stay out of his life. Not your problem any more. 😉

LeaderBee · 14/03/2025 16:26

tropicalroses · 14/03/2025 16:16

Just as an update because I got a message from him today telling me he has lost his job, and is there any money left from the house sale!! Errr no you idiot, the solicitor sent you all your money on completion, I wasn't allowed to hold onto some of it for you!!!

Apparently he's worried about where him and his cat will live, because his tenancy is up for renewal in a few weeks. I'm guessing at not quite a year the new GF isn't looking like a housing opportunity yet...

Haha, almost two months later?
Tell him he can fuck off.

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