Some advice please

[AdviceThanks1000]

This is a bit personal and awkward but would really appreciate other women's perspective on this and please be totally honest in your response. I am 45 and work in a school. I am single at the moment but have been back doing some dating. Recently i have lost alot of confidence and feel self conscious about being single as everyone at work my age is in couples, married..I have always considered myself to be heterosexual and still do. I have never felt any sexual attraction to other women. Recently I had a feeling of admiration and attraction for one of my female colleagues I work with. I then started to feel so ashamed and uncomfortable with having had these thoughts and have become extremely anxious in her presence incase she knows I had such thoughts or thinks I like her. I have become very nervous and start to blush in her presence which makes things worse and worried that she will think I have a feelings for her. I don't understand a great deal about what I'm experiencing and I'm confused but just feel terrified that she will see my nervousness and blushing as me liking her. I have tried to take the attitude that if worse came to the worse and she thought this it is not the worst thing but I keep thinking if she did think this she would be so uncomfortable and disgusted with the thought of me liking her. That its wrong. She has a husband and family. So it would seem so inappropriate. Would appreciate other perspectives from women who are heterosexual on how they would feel if they thought another female work colleague liked them in this way. How would it affect your attitude to that person. Thanks

We live in a heteronormative society: generally, everybody is presumed to be heterosexual until they say otherwise. It’s incredibly unlikely a female colleague is going to infer that you fancy her because you’re somewhat awkward and red faced around her - she’ll just assume you’re shy, or a bit socially awkward, or (if she’s more senior) perhaps a bit nervous around her.

Sexuality aside, I don’t think I’ve ever assumed that somebody of either sex who comes across as awkward at work must fancy me. It’s really not the first conclusion most people draw about their colleagues in the absence of any actual flirting.

You don’t need to feel ashamed about your feelings. Whatever your sexuality, you don’t need to define it with words or labels, it’s perfectly normal, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong about having invisible thoughts inside your head about somebody, even if they are married.

If another woman (or a man for that matter) was blushing and nervous around me, I wouldn't take that alone to mean that they fancied me - certainly not those things alone, anyway. From that alone I'd just assume they were shy and felt awkward and I wouldn't really give it a second thought.

Would appreciate other perspectives from women who are heterosexual on how they would feel if they thought another female work colleague liked them in this way. How would it affect your attitude to that person.

It would affect my attitude only in that I would want to make sure I wasn't inadvertently leading them on. If I genuinely thought one of my colleagues fancied me, I wouldn't (for example) suggest we went for lunch or a drink together with just the two of us in case they took that as an indication that I felt the same way as they did - that wouldn't be fair on them. But otherwise it wouldn't affect my attitude at all. I wouldn't think worse of them or find them less likeable in a platonic sense.

Again - pretty much the same way I'd feel if it was a man, really.

Thank you. I appreciate your response