To still hold resentment to family- TW sexual abuse

[Mmmmmmm123]

Hi all, I wanted to have help in knowing if I am unreasonable to still be feeling anger towards my family after disclosing past sexual abuse.
Il try to not write too long a post.
A few years ago I disclosed to my family that I was sexually abused by another member of the family when I was a child. The reaction I got wasn't what I expected and I was more or less expected to sweep things under the carpet to not cause problems in the family. I did however receive alot of support from my close family members in my age group, my friends and my partner. I went to therapy and eventually reported the abuse to the police and now it's being investigated. What I have issue with is that at the time all of this was happening that my father kept seeing this family member knowing fully the situation. This is even after making a statement to the police. I would find out from other family members that he would be having dinner etc with him n his family, and when confronted would say oh I didn't know he would be there and he'd promise it wouldn't happen again and so on. Bare in mind I never told him to cut anyone off myself he was the one saying he much he hated him and would never see him again because of me.
I found out he again went for a gathering with the man n his family there. I got upset naturally and he told me that I need to get used to it and that I should also myself get used to seeing him again now . I lost my shit and said how could you tell anyone to be in the same room as there abuser and we didn't speak for a while after that. Once we spoke he apologised immensely and said he never wanted to hurt me and so on and over time things have got better and we have gone back to normal. He regularly speaks of how my life has been hard but he's proud of me making positive changes and moving forward etc.
However I can't shake some of the things said and done even after I've accepted his apology. I'm not sure if time will make me move past it or not.

Thank you for reading

I am so sorry to hear about the trauma you have suffered. You are being so strong coping so well with what you have been through. I think actions speak louder than words and how he could be in this relative's company is beyond me. I would stay civil but maybe distance yourself for your own wellbeing. Otherwise you'll drive yourself mad questioning his actions/motives. Take care of yourself and all the best.

Sorry you're going through this.

You can't control how others act, but you can learn from their actions and control your response to it. You control how you react, you determine what treatment you will accept.

If someone (dear dad) decides that their social interaction with your abuser is more important in their life than acknowledging the abuse and throwing that abuser through a window, then listen to that, what it's telling you, and act accordingly.

don't not apologise at this bit, don't start off and say I'm sorry but....
Just letting you know dad, I will not be attending events, or contacting you whilst abuser is in the room/picture. I need to step away in order to heal, this isn't an ultimatum, this isn't the start of a conversation, this isn't me asking you to do something. This is me stepping away for my health. Thank you for understanding

@Mmmmmmm123 I am so sorry you have had to go through this.

Sadly, family do not always react how we would want, nor how they should.

Your father was wrong and has now admitted it and apologised. That does not remove the fact he did meet with your abuser. The reality is your father cannot undo what he did and there is no remedy that will put it right.

I am going to suggest you might benefit from talking to a professional to work through your entirely justifiable and valid feelings.

As a pp suggested taking a step back is also reasonable. Re-evaluating who your father is will take time.

None of us is perfect, we are human and make mistakes. It can take time to process the enormity of abuse and to reconcile this with the family member you have potentially known all your life. Your father didn’t react as he should and his behaviour was very hurtful, but he has now acknowledge this and apologised. Learning your Dad is not perfect is something we all have to face, in your case the failure is enormous and sadly will have altered your relationship. You have to come to terms with this as sadly it cannot be undone.

Your df is more concerned about keeping up appearances than you /your wellbeing.. I hope you don't have dc that see him... He doesn't deserve a relationship with any of you.

Shame on your father.
Take space from him.
Seeing someone like that adds to the wound.
He chose to suit himself and support the abuser.
He has broken the parent child bond.

You get to decide now if you want to have anything to do with him.
I think it will be better for you if you don't.

Actions have consequences.
Your father chose to be with this person and the consequences of his actions can be that you choose to no longer be in contact.

You do not owe your parents a relationship in such circumstances.

I can't believe that your father would ever believe that it was appropriate to socialise with your abuser. You were sexually abused by this person when you were a child. Any normal, decent parent would immediately cut off all contact with them and feel awful about what happened and that he failed to protect you.

Even after your dad's apology, I would find it extremely hard to forgive him and to maintain a relationship with him.

Thank you all for your responses they have meant alot to read and realise I'm justified in my feelings !
You have all touched upon how I've felt that actions speak louder than words and the importance being placed on family relations instead of how I felt and what was needed to support me.

I think your also right that I may never understand why my dad reacted the way he did and I just have to accept that. It has made me realise alot of my lack of trust in people stems from my own family unfortunately.
Now that I am a mother myself I have found these old feelings come back and I just think I know if anything happened to my child I would be a support without thinking about it so how could it not come naturally to my dad.