All thought my childhood I thought my Dad was an angry bullish man as every now and again he would shout at my Mum, storm out of the house and disappear for hours often just going for a drive. He would also spend hours and hours in his study and not do 'family time', wouldn't take us abroad on holiday etc. I thought he was a unwilling partner and angry he wasn't kinder and affectionate and cuddly to her.
Now I'm older I've realised that my Mum has MASSIVE anxiety issues, is overbearing, nuerotic, interfering, won't let up and won't let anything drop and is just generally exhausting to be with. She verbally commentates her life....EVERY SINGLE THING that runs through her mind has to come out of her mouth ("I'm just wondering whether I should take this cup back to the kitchen or wait until I have my next cup of tea"..."I'm just getting up now to throw this in the bin"...."Now I'm thinking I've not heard the weather today so I won't know what to wear if we go out") . She talks CONSTANTLY and just can't relax or chill. There's times I've had to veto certain topics of discussion because she just keeps on and on and if I hear it one more time I'll scream. (Eg, I mentioned I wanted a new tv and she started researching tvs, where I could buy them, what size was best and was phoning me like 5 times a night to talk about tvs, despite me asking her not to. Or menu choices for family events, she'll phone me 8 times asking if I'm sure I still want the crem brulé as it's not too late to change my mind and surely the restaurant would understand.) We have both begged and pleaded with her to get help but she refuses to admit there's an issue. I now feel so so sorry for my Father, him storming out was his only way of escaping when it all became too much and she was at fever pitch with her fussing and wouldn't let up. She never showed him any affection over the years despite him making it clear it was important to him in their marriage. He left once for about 6 months before coming home for the sake of me and my brother.
I really really wish for my Dads sake he'd divorced her and found someone who showed him affection and appreciation, and would have given him a happy and much less stressfree life. He's lived a half life in staying and it could have been such a fulfilled happy life if he'd had left. We'd have had less opportunities if they'd divorced, probably couldn't have afforded Uni, wouldn't have lived in such a nice house. But my poor Dad wouldn't have had to hide away in the evenings in his study and would have just been able to relax. He says he'd have loved to have taken us abroad but they could have only afforded self catering and organising food etc would have sent her into overdrive and we just wouldn't have coped with her. So much of his life has just been exhausting. He sees how much it's affected me too growing up with her as a Mother. He says it's too late for her to change now but that he bitterly regrets not addressing matters when he realised she had issues.
While as a child I knew how much she "fussed" in general, I feel bad that that I spent my childhood assuming it was him who was the issue in their unhappy marriage. I just didn't see how extensively it affected him.