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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I harsh?

22 replies

Ezlo · 24/01/2025 08:19

A man got on the bus today just after me and sat across from me. I've never seen him before. His first line to me was 'you're pretty, are you married?' Well, I went off on one at him. I told him it was absolutely none of his business and told him to stop talking to me. There's an African community where I live and the men often stare if they find a woman attractive and I've been followed home a few times late at night by African men who have taken a fancy to me. The threat of the police tend to shake them off. I'm sure it's cultural and they mean no harm from it, but I'm sick of it! I'm not pretty. I'm fat and wear very little make up. Aibu to have such a harsh reaction?

OP posts:
username299 · 24/01/2025 08:21

This has happened to me a few times and I tend to ignore them. I might move seats or cross the road.

I live in London and have been attacked a few times on public transport.

porridgebath · 24/01/2025 08:23

Why do you think you were unreasonable for rejecting these sorts of comments? What is it you think you were supposed to do?

adminicle · 24/01/2025 08:24

It was reasonable to shut him down; the comment was inappropriate. If by 'went off on one' you mean shouting/swearing at him that probably was over the top (for a single comment).

Original poster
Ezlo · 24/01/2025 08:24

username299 · 24/01/2025 08:21

This has happened to me a few times and I tend to ignore them. I might move seats or cross the road.

I live in London and have been attacked a few times on public transport.

I'm sorry you've experienced these predators too. We shouldn't have to move seats or cross the road though should we? As so many African men have behaved like this now, I'm sure it's a cultural thing but I'm not up for any if that shite. Especially on a Friday morning when I do not look pretty!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ezlo · 24/01/2025 08:26

adminicle · 24/01/2025 08:24

It was reasonable to shut him down; the comment was inappropriate. If by 'went off on one' you mean shouting/swearing at him that probably was over the top (for a single comment).

I didn't shout or swear but I asked why he was asking if I was married and told him to stop talking to me when all he could say on repeat is "you're pretty".

OP posts:
adminicle · 24/01/2025 08:27

Ezlo · 24/01/2025 08:26

I didn't shout or swear but I asked why he was asking if I was married and told him to stop talking to me when all he could say on repeat is "you're pretty".

Show quote history

Sounds a perfectly reasonable response.

Original poster
Ezlo · 24/01/2025 08:27

porridgebath · 24/01/2025 08:23

Why do you think you were unreasonable for rejecting these sorts of comments? What is it you think you were supposed to do?

Maybe I should've just quietly ignored him? I'm feeling particularly snappy today though and people asking personal questions about my marital status made me even more snappy.

OP posts:
Chuchoter · 24/01/2025 08:28

'Yes, my husband thinks so.'

That should have shut him up.

Imtheslimshady · 24/01/2025 08:29

Good for you! You weren't comfortable with an interaction he persisted in maintaining and told him so. Never apologise for "losing it" with a man who could potentially pose a risk.

Original poster
Ezlo · 24/01/2025 08:33

Imtheslimshady · 24/01/2025 08:29

Good for you! You weren't comfortable with an interaction he persisted in maintaining and told him so. Never apologise for "losing it" with a man who could potentially pose a risk.

Thanks 😊

OP posts:
ItsByThere · 24/01/2025 08:33

I’ve had creepy men on buses, I hate it.
When I was much younger (very early 20s) on a long coach journey I had this guy (possibly same nationality as you are talking about) start making similar comments, it then escalated to him telling me what he wanted to do to me in a very graphic way) nobody on the packed coach said anything and I was really shy at the time), he then told me he wanted sex with me when we got off the coach. I was terrified and text my boyfriend at the time to meet me off the coach because we were getting into the station at night and I honestly felt like he was planning on attacking me. So yes, you were 100% right to shut him down in an aggressive way.

Original poster
Ezlo · 24/01/2025 08:34

Chuchoter · 24/01/2025 08:28

'Yes, my husband thinks so.'

That should have shut him up.

I'm not going to lie to him. I wanted him to feel uncomfortable so he doesn't ask stupid questions and approach women with persistence in the future.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ezlo · 24/01/2025 08:35

ItsByThere · 24/01/2025 08:33

I’ve had creepy men on buses, I hate it.
When I was much younger (very early 20s) on a long coach journey I had this guy (possibly same nationality as you are talking about) start making similar comments, it then escalated to him telling me what he wanted to do to me in a very graphic way) nobody on the packed coach said anything and I was really shy at the time), he then told me he wanted sex with me when we got off the coach. I was terrified and text my boyfriend at the time to meet me off the coach because we were getting into the station at night and I honestly felt like he was planning on attacking me. So yes, you were 100% right to shut him down in an aggressive way.

I'm so sorry to hear you experienced that. How scary.

OP posts:
Olika · 24/01/2025 08:37

I am not someone to be quiet if I receive unwanted comments/attention from random men. I shut them down right away. Don't care if it's seen rude/harsh. Obviously I take the situation into consideration so if it's just someone being nice is different to a man like you met on the morning bus.

Original poster
Ezlo · 24/01/2025 08:41

Olika · 24/01/2025 08:37

I am not someone to be quiet if I receive unwanted comments/attention from random men. I shut them down right away. Don't care if it's seen rude/harsh. Obviously I take the situation into consideration so if it's just someone being nice is different to a man like you met on the morning bus.

If it was normal conversation, I'd be totally up for it! I'll talk to anyone about normal things!

OP posts:
FreezingJane · 24/01/2025 08:43

Well done for being strong enough to stick up for yourself. I'd say he got off lightly, especially if, after you've said no, he still keeps repeating 'you're pretty'.

It's not cute. It's not endearing. It's threatening and predatory.

Sortumn · 24/01/2025 08:47

I once did a hobby that was joined by an Egyptian man. I observed him frequently crossing women's boundaries in (mostly) harmless ways and I think the women made allowances because they assumed it was cultural. With hindsight I think this is a form of racism almost - not holding him to the same standards we would other men.

I found I had to be very direct and blunt with him to protect my own boundaries and it felt unnatural and rude. However this prevented his behaviour from escalating toward me in the way it did toward another woman in the group.

I learnt a lot from this experience, that sometimes you have to go in early and hard to protect yourself.

Plopandflop · 24/01/2025 08:50

I once had a bus driver ask if I was single when I got on the bus. I was a lot younger and he took me aback so I said yes even though I wasn’t. I was momentary confused and thought he was asking me if I wanted a single ticket. Once i replied I then realised what he had actually asked me. I just went and sat down kicking myself.

As I was getting off he asked to look at my bus pass before he would open the doors and he put a piece of paper with his name and number in it.
for the next few weeks whenever he saw me getting off or on another bus he sounded the horn of the bus he was on. Luckily and totally by chance I should think he never drove a bus I was on again. I finished work at different times and used different buses depending on if I was going home, to my mums or my partners. He always seems to be on the bus next to mine though.

I was getting wound up and yes I know I should have reported it but I worked for a charity at the time who supported disabled people. We had complained to the bus company many times about treatment of disabled passengers and got no where. So my 6 foot 4 built like a brick shit house, would not want to meet on a dark night colleague started walking me to the bus station.

On the third time we saw him and he was just about the hit the horn when my colleague put his hand on a shoulder and shook his head at him. The bus driver then looked down very quickly and I never heard him bash his horn again.

FYI my colleague was lovely and would not hurt a fly but he looked as hard as nails

NPET · 24/01/2025 17:45

No you weren't harsh, and whether you're pretty or not (which is subjective anyway) is irrelevant. I get it all the time - interestingly more on buses than on trains (I assume because they know they can get off or disappear more quickly if I tell them to f... off).
But it is f...ing annoying because they NEVER learn.

MrsPeregrine · 24/01/2025 17:52

This is exactly why I avoid public transport at all costs because I’ve experienced this kind of thing before. One incident was particularly unpleasant. Women shouldn’t have to put up with this kind of harassment.

NPET · 24/01/2025 17:58

Plopandflop · 24/01/2025 08:50

I once had a bus driver ask if I was single when I got on the bus. I was a lot younger and he took me aback so I said yes even though I wasn’t. I was momentary confused and thought he was asking me if I wanted a single ticket. Once i replied I then realised what he had actually asked me. I just went and sat down kicking myself.

As I was getting off he asked to look at my bus pass before he would open the doors and he put a piece of paper with his name and number in it.
for the next few weeks whenever he saw me getting off or on another bus he sounded the horn of the bus he was on. Luckily and totally by chance I should think he never drove a bus I was on again. I finished work at different times and used different buses depending on if I was going home, to my mums or my partners. He always seems to be on the bus next to mine though.

I was getting wound up and yes I know I should have reported it but I worked for a charity at the time who supported disabled people. We had complained to the bus company many times about treatment of disabled passengers and got no where. So my 6 foot 4 built like a brick shit house, would not want to meet on a dark night colleague started walking me to the bus station.

On the third time we saw him and he was just about the hit the horn when my colleague put his hand on a shoulder and shook his head at him. The bus driver then looked down very quickly and I never heard him bash his horn again.

FYI my colleague was lovely and would not hurt a fly but he looked as hard as nails

Edited

I feel SO sorry for you. I know exactly how you feel. I get this regularly from men on railway stations - it's almost as if they know it's a ridiculous situation for me - should I complain to the station? It's so pathetic having to act so carefully or needing a companion - especially if I'm working late.
Fortunately I usually now drive (I live just outside London but don't work in the centre) but it is horrible having to decide to do that because of HORRID CREEPS!!

MrsPeregrine · 24/01/2025 18:56

It’s this kind of thing that makes me feel annoyed when people preach about how you should use public transport instead of driving a car. I don’t use public transport because I want to travel where and when I want. But most importantly I want to feel safe and not worry about being harassed by some creepy man.

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