4 is not always “Such a lovely age”?!

Tireddadplus · 2025-01-24T08:02:11+00:00

DD is 4.5. When I tell parents with grown up / much older kids this the response is usually: “oooooh 4! Such a lovely age!”. Sometimes it is. But today DD woke up and basically shouted and cried for 45 minutes through getting dressed and breakfast. On average I think we have 1 proper meltdown per day lasting anywhere between 5 and 30 minutes. Never at school and rarely with other people. Should I be worried about DDs behaviour or are people remembering only the good times? YABU - 4 really is such a lovely age YANBU - 4 is also hard sometimes, just like 3,2,1 and 0!

Didimum · 24/01/2025 08:09

You’re not wrong. My DD was a dream until 4, and then turned extremely emotional and dramatic! The tantrums of a 4+ year old are very difficult! She’s improved a fair bit, but at 6, she’s still a challenge.

My DS on the other hand was a nightmare from 18m-3ish, and then he turned into a lovely kid, and now at 6 he’s sort of gone the other way again!

Allswellthatendswelll · 24/01/2025 08:09

I heard someone call it, after threenagers the "f**k you fours" 😂

I expect being tired from school and the jump in expectations in reception has a part to play.

Whatever age your child is people will say "that's a lovely age" as they will be just making small talk.

Caffeineneedednow · 24/01/2025 08:11

Haha feel your pain. My just turned 5 yo yesterday told me he wanted to ride his bike to school, got half way then decided he wanted his scooter and screed the rest of the way as I wouldn't turn around and go get it which would have made us later then we already were

Calebbloomfest · 24/01/2025 08:11

all kids have ‘moments’ no matter what the age.

enjoy the good moments

endure and get through the tricky ones

Ygfrhj · 24/01/2025 08:13

Rose tinted glasses, I look back on the newborn stage thinking how lovely it was but I definitely told friends at the time that it was awful and I couldn't wait for it to be over!

MadameSzyszkoBohusz · 24/01/2025 08:14

I think as our kids older we get rosy tinted glasses about the younger ages. I find myself smiling wistfully at parents with toddlers and thinking “aww, I miss those days so much!”

In reality my two were quite often evil little goblins at that age (but I still miss them being it!)

StepawayfromtheLindors · 24/01/2025 08:14

Fucking awful Fours

Original poster

Tireddadplus · 24/01/2025 08:14

Caffeineneedednow · 24/01/2025 08:11

Haha feel your pain. My just turned 5 yo yesterday told me he wanted to ride his bike to school, got half way then decided he wanted his scooter and screed the rest of the way as I wouldn't turn around and go get it which would have made us later then we already were

I’ve been there! School is a very very long way sometimes!

OP posts:

ClarasSisters · 24/01/2025 08:20

They're just making polite conversation. Honestly woul you prefer someone to say "oof, 4. Bet she's a proper little madam?"

Dror · 24/01/2025 08:21

I assume it's a polite way to say 'sounds hellish, good luck!'?

BertieBotts · 24/01/2025 08:25

I don't know TBH. Both of my kids who are older than that were extremely challenging at 4 whereas other people seemed to find it starting to get easier. They were both later diagnosed with ADHD. Of course I'm not saying that's always the case for every challenging 4yo, but it does seem to be a common pattern.

For me I found the most frustrating things about their behaviour were frequent meltdowns, they tried to control everything and got really frustrated when people didn't fall into their ideas instantly, also thinking they knew everything and jumping in to "help" constantly but in a way which was not helpful and then they would be extremely stubborn about it. I found that really tricky to deal with because of course being helpful is good, but being intrusively helpful is not.

It's like they have enough logic and intelligence to argue and the stubbornness of an ox, their physical size and strength is also getting to the point that you can't just tuck them under your arm and run like with a tantrumming toddler. But they don't have the long term perspective or sense yet. So you constantly find yourself arguing with a basically insane person.

I did wonder if it was a parenting style thing as well, ie I brought it on myself by reasoning and explaining too much when they were younger rather than just training them to obey 😬😂

Oh well, the eldest is 16 and lovely now, so they do grow out of it eventually.

Original poster

Tireddadplus · 24/01/2025 08:31

BertieBotts · 24/01/2025 08:25

I don't know TBH. Both of my kids who are older than that were extremely challenging at 4 whereas other people seemed to find it starting to get easier. They were both later diagnosed with ADHD. Of course I'm not saying that's always the case for every challenging 4yo, but it does seem to be a common pattern.

For me I found the most frustrating things about their behaviour were frequent meltdowns, they tried to control everything and got really frustrated when people didn't fall into their ideas instantly, also thinking they knew everything and jumping in to "help" constantly but in a way which was not helpful and then they would be extremely stubborn about it. I found that really tricky to deal with because of course being helpful is good, but being intrusively helpful is not.

It's like they have enough logic and intelligence to argue and the stubbornness of an ox, their physical size and strength is also getting to the point that you can't just tuck them under your arm and run like with a tantrumming toddler. But they don't have the long term perspective or sense yet. So you constantly find yourself arguing with a basically insane person.

I did wonder if it was a parenting style thing as well, ie I brought it on myself by reasoning and explaining too much when they were younger rather than just training them to obey 😬😂

Oh well, the eldest is 16 and lovely now, so they do grow out of it eventually.

Thats interesting…never thought about ADHD but maybe something to keep an eye on. Good to hear that 16 might be a good year! Quite a long way off though!

OP posts:

Golfisfunny · 24/01/2025 08:52

Hello! Finding 4 tricky - my parenting has had to really uplevel. Nursery have also noticed though and my son is being referred for autism. Highly verbal and has friends but very rigid, overwhelmed and meltdowns etc

He can also be a joy)…. So I get that comment too sometimes. I think the ‘great age’ comment is one of those weird automatic brainwashed statements - I find myself saying it too (!) as the alternative - dealing with the complexities of parenting, is just too deep to go into in quick convos. I do love this age… but as a poster said above - a strong willed or neurodivergent child gets harder at this age I think.

if you want to seek further advice you could mention to the school/teacher or health visitor for me too, home or car the place he normally lets it all out…

hope this isn’t a derail. Labels have never been that important to me but its really helped me in terms of parenting strategies to understand his triggers and wider picture.

Moveoverdarlin · 24/01/2025 08:55

My daughter is 6 and exactly like this. Cries, meltdowns, screams…I’m waiting for the lovely age…

Dishwashersaurous · 24/01/2025 09:11

That does sound really unusual.

One of the good things about age 4.5 is that they can talk and understand things, so the tantrums stop.

And then you can have lovely interesting conversations

Didimum · 24/01/2025 10:08

BertieBotts · 24/01/2025 08:25

I don't know TBH. Both of my kids who are older than that were extremely challenging at 4 whereas other people seemed to find it starting to get easier. They were both later diagnosed with ADHD. Of course I'm not saying that's always the case for every challenging 4yo, but it does seem to be a common pattern.

For me I found the most frustrating things about their behaviour were frequent meltdowns, they tried to control everything and got really frustrated when people didn't fall into their ideas instantly, also thinking they knew everything and jumping in to "help" constantly but in a way which was not helpful and then they would be extremely stubborn about it. I found that really tricky to deal with because of course being helpful is good, but being intrusively helpful is not.

It's like they have enough logic and intelligence to argue and the stubbornness of an ox, their physical size and strength is also getting to the point that you can't just tuck them under your arm and run like with a tantrumming toddler. But they don't have the long term perspective or sense yet. So you constantly find yourself arguing with a basically insane person.

I did wonder if it was a parenting style thing as well, ie I brought it on myself by reasoning and explaining too much when they were younger rather than just training them to obey 😬😂

Oh well, the eldest is 16 and lovely now, so they do grow out of it eventually.

That sounds like half the 4yr olds I know personally!

BertieBotts · 24/01/2025 13:08

Correct, there's too much overlap at four to say if ADHD is at play or not. But it doesn't hurt to work on emotional regulation (naming emotions, talking about characters' feelings in books, TV, play, talking through "what could they do?" etc) and cognitive flexibility (switching tasks or roles quickly, e.g. games like Uno where the direction switches, Simon Says, role play where you switch roles, physical challenges like obstacle courses etc) - those things all lay the groundwork for better emotional control and impulse control, and you can incorporate them into fun things easily.

Coloursofthewind2 · 24/01/2025 13:34

I thought 2 was a lovely age and felt quite smug that my child didn't do terrible two's. But then he did terrible three's instead 🙈 4 was in fact lovely again for me.

Randomusername37258 · 24/01/2025 13:53

Mine is the same age and an absolute delight. My eldest was a nightmare and only really improved after a term of school. What I've noticed is that whatever age my youngest is is a lovely age because it's the last time I'll go through it so the bad bits seem much more manageable.