Return to work or SAHM

[FloralMoon]

I’m currently on mat leave with my first and due to return to work in the summer when he turns one.
Emotionally I am not feeling good about that, it was always the plan and I expected it to be difficult but you can’t ever know exactly how you’ll feel about something in advance and I don’t feel good about it however I’m sure lots of Mums feel this way and then settle into a routine.

The plan is for me to work 3 days a week, baby will be at nursery 2 days and with a grandparent one day.

My husband is a high earner and I have a job (not a career) that I don’t particularly enjoy. I have always had a job since I was a teenager and the thought of but working makes me feel guilty.

I’d like to take another year out of work and return when our son is 2 with a similar plan of days. Obviously there is no guarantee I’ll find a job and that is the hesitation.

We can afford for me not to work but I feel guilty expecting my partner to shoulder the burden of sole income (he says he’s unbothered by this). If I do work the 3 days then we have more money towards savings/home improvements.

I want to stay with my son until he is 2 however there is no guarantee I will find suitable hours at another job if I do this and I have feelings of guilt about not working.

I don’t know what I’m looking for with this post but other than my hubby I don’t have anyone irl to talk to about it

YABU - go to work
YANBU - take another year with son

Edited to add - I am aware that I am currently in a fortunate position but I’m struggling with anxiety about what to do and am genuinely interested in and will value hearing other people’s opinions. I really wouldn’t ever want to offend anyone and respect that everyone in life are in different circumstances and that my circumstances could change in the future

I think there's a big risk that you won't find part time work in a year. The longer you are out, the harder it is to go back.

If you are out of work for a long period of time, you put yourself in a very vulnerable position.

It depends what your job is and how easy it is to find those types of jobs. If it would be relatively easy to return to work following a break then I would take the extra year as you're married and there isn't much to lose from doing so, but lots to gain. I am biased though as I'm a SAHM for the same reason. I was meant to return to work part-time but decided not to and it may have been a silly risk (as I have a career) but I had to follow my gut.

I think 3 days a week is a pretty good balance. Why don't you try it for a few months, see how your little one adjusts etc. Unless you can easily find another part time job in a year I wouldn't be giving this one up - or you'll either be stuck working full time or at home longer term.

Stay in work, I’m a SAHM who became a trailing spouse and due to various reasons didn’t go back to work. Dh is happy with it, we have completely transparent finances (I have access to all the money, my name is on everything, I don’t ask permission etc etc), financially very comfortable. All good, a very happy set up but I do regret letting go of work sometimes. I think a few days a week is a good balance.

I would also suggest going back to work. It's helpful to have independent income and adult conversations etc
Spending 4 days a week with your little one will still feel like a lot of time and the experience of parenting a toddler is very different to that of a small baby. Toddlers thrive on external input and stimulation, and nursery + GP will help them develop. And you will be grateful you only need to fill 4 days with imaginative play...

It sounds like a good set up and it's not till the summer. Don't waste this early part of mat leave worrying about what'll happen. This bit it very intense and many mums feel like that but also adjust well later and are glad they stayed working, especially when it's part time it can be ideal balance and sahm is no idyll. Assume you'll go back as per original plan, enjoy your baby and take it a day at a time for now.

It's early days, a baby is very different from a toddler so you might feel totally different by the summer. I loved mat leave with my babies but I would have absolutely hated to be home with them as toddlers.

I think if I were you, the thing I would try and do is get going in a career you actually do enjoy - you're presumably no older than 40, probably younger, so young to settle for a crap job you dislike

If you have a job rather than a career and you are not particularly concerned about the type of job you may have to take when you resume work then I would say go for it - take the extra year with your DS. You can afford it and you want to stay with him until he is 2 which I completely understand. A child of 2 and under doesn’t need to be in childcare and being at home with a parent/consistent caregiver is ideal at that age (this isn’t a popular view on MN where people insist toddlers must go to nursery so they ‘learn to socialise’.)

I say all of this as someone who went back to work as soon as my mat leave ended when mine were a year old because being a SAHM was not for me. I couldn’t deal with the monotony. But if it works for you - do it.

My only note of caution is that by the time he is 2 you might feel ready for another DC which would then lead to an extended absence from the workforce.

Do what you want and you agree as a family is best for you all but please save this post so that 10 years down the line if you divorce you can remind yourself that you didnt give Up work to "further his career" and you did it because you didn't want to work

I think as you have a job rather than a career and your husband doesn't mind you not working stay home permanently **

Yabu seems extreme but i think with the option of 3 days you should hold onto your job- you’ll appreciate it in the future!

The nursery years are a good time to be working toward getting a more flexible job. You need flexibility once they are in school.

Working 3 days a week and spending 4 days with your baby is a very good balance. Enjoy your maternity leave and stop worrying about it.

Is there any possibility your employer would grant you 6 month or a year of leave without pay? If you had a job to return to, I would agree that a further 6
months or year at home would be ok in the overall scheme of things. However (depending on the industry) trying to find a PT job is much harder.

Also, are you planning another child? Often the 18-2 year mark is when families decide for a second child, and another year of mat leave. So it may only be a year you are back, but you keep your career/job intact.

Obviously, no one is guaranteed to fall pregnant.

Finally, what is your job? A teacher or nurse is much more likely to find work easily, rather than a niche job.

I would at least give going back to work a go. I have 3 kids aged 13, 11 and 8 and I have worked 3 days a week since having the kids. Working three days gives you a really good balance and it's great for your child to experience different settings.

It's lucky to have a part time job, those aren't aways easy to come by and there are no guarantees you would find another one. I think having time away from the family also helps with your own confidence. With some friends who have become SAHMs, their worlds become very small and they don't have much to talk about other than their children and they become a bit of a slave to their families.

It's healthy for children to see their Mum have a job. I am an early years teacher and children who are with a SATM all day can often suffer from separation anxiety.

Will he be taking over your pension contributions if you stop work?

i wouldn’t give up. It leaves you very vulnerable. I know you don’t want to think about it but nearly half of marriages fail, and if you have no way of supporting yourself and your child you will struggle.

I'm not sure what field you're in but it can be really hard to find a part time job. I got made redundant on mat leave and it took me nearly a year to find something that was 3 days a week, and even then it was a FTC. I would 100% go back - you can always look at other options a few months in if it's not working for you, but don't walk away from a part time role.

I would do the 3 days, OP. The job market is very very tough at the moment, if you already have something that can offer 3 days (are they flexible etc, good benefits?) I’d be hanging on to it. Don’t lose those pension contributions too; plus, if you’d like another child in a few years you’ll get the mat leave as well.
Agree with others that 3 days will be a lovely balance around a toddler especially to give you that ‘break’! I do 4 days and enjoy it.

Each to their own. PP makes a good point that if you get pregnant again, you’re realistically talking about a much longer absence from the work place.

Main considerations:

Can you, as a family, live comfortably on your husbands wages? Would this still be the case in 5 years time if you have more children? Is it better to keep your hand in with a low hours job now so that you have more options in the future?
Are you financially protected, not just now but for the future, eg pension?
What will make you happiest?

I’d go back PT in the summer.
You don’t feel ready to go back just yet because you’re not. You still have ages left on Mat leave!

It is easier to go back and then quit if you really don’t think you’ve made the right choice, than to SAHM then find a PT job in a year if you decide you want / need to go back.

Another vote for return to work and see how you feel/get on. Anxiety, upset, guilt and worry are all part of being a working mum juggling I am afraid. My opinion is 3 days a week is a good balance, this allows your baby to build alittle resilience and relationships helping them in the future with school and change. It’s also really lovely for the grandparents to build a strong solid bond. Honestly you may find he adores nursery. You will find there are times he will be sick and unable to attend nursery and you may find it all too much, or it may be a good little “mental break” for you both. Leave the option of being a SAHM for if it’s not working out for whatever reasons and/or you grow your family. As others have said part time work is harder to find so I would be trying to make my current role fit around my families needs…. I would personally give the returning a go first before making a decision, you are in a privileged position of if it’s not working you can change plans and become a SAHM.

I found the thought of going back worse that actually going back. I found I enjoyed the bit of independence and it was good for my child. I found working 3 days went so quickly that it was a good balance for me. I'd never want to be reliant on someone else plus I look back now and wish I'd worked more. Part time affected my pension which unfortunately soon comes around.

If you only work three days keep it. That is a perfect balance.Toddlers are horrible and you will want a break.

I did this - I was due to go back to work when my son turned 1, but I really didn’t feel ready at all. Then our childcare fell through a few weeks before, so it kind of forced our hand a bit for me to have more time off (childminders get booked up agesss in advance and nursery all wanted set days that I wasn’t working and longer and were more expensive etc). My husband doesn’t earn loads, but it’s enough to cover our bills and keep a roof over our heads. No fun holidays but that’s ok for a little while!
Anyway, after a couple of months I decided to study something I was interested in as I knew I didn’t want to ever go back to the rigid office type job I previously had. So I’ve used my extra time off to study and then found a part time job within the area I’m studying, which I really enjoy! I only do a few hours a week, but over the course of the month it helps pay for the food bills. I get to spend most of my time with my son, I’m doing a job I enjoy and when my son gets older and gets the nursery credits I can choose to do more hours.
All this to say, if you don’t want to go back to work, you don’t enjoy your job, you want to be with your son and you’re in a position where you can do that, then why not take some extra time off? You could also study something you enjoy and get a job you actually want to go to and make it worth being away from your child. You’re in a great financial position where you really can choose to do that.

If a mum just wants to put her child in nursery for a break then I don't judge that either.