6yo is scared of EVERYTHING

[tezzz]

Morning all

Just looking for some advice on our situation.
We have a lovely 6yo Ds but (not so) recently (7 months or so) he has become scared of everything.

He won't use the toilet by himself, will follow us around the house If we leave the room he is in , has to sleep with bedroom door fully open and so do we, night light on, etc

Is this a very long phase? Is there anything we can do to help him ?

We have had endless conversations with him about his safety in the house and that nothing will happen to him if he goes upstairs to use the toilet by himself etc but it's not helping.

If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate

Tia x

This is common. I remember clearly my sister going through this from around 4 years old, and her son also had the same from 5 -10 years old quite severely. In my nephews case, he had seen something about ghosts and become absolutely terrified. Can he verbalise what he is so scared of?

My Grandson had the same fears about going upstairs to the toilet on his own and wouldn’t sleep in his own room, unless someone slept in there with him.
It did go on for quite a few years.
They did find out that he had overheard them talking about a break-in in the neighbourhood and the thief had got in through the bathroom window but even after reassuring him that this wouldn’t happen to their house, he was still terrified.

How is he otherwise OP? Was the onset fairly abrupt?

I was terrified of the dark as a child. I thought ghosts would get me. Unfortunately being told I was being silly didn’t help much 😢

Just a phase. Can he explain if he's scared of something specific? Or is it generalised anxiety? Be calm and cheerful and reassuring that there's nothing in the house that he needs to be scared of. Having a nightlight and door open is fine for now - he will grow out of it! He is prime age for fears - monsters under the bed etc. Seek out some reassuring bedtime books. Try not to worry, it's all normal.

We did a parent anxiety course and it recommended picking one thing to work on, exploring the worries behind it and suggested slowly building up to doing the thing with staged rewards. Doesn't massively work with our DC (but his anxieties are linked with sensory issues and he isn't in the slightest bit motivated to work on them) but other parents said it helped, especially when the child wanted to be able to do things but anxiety was stopping them. I do do stuff like to up to the toilet with him but then be busy with putting away something so I don't go in the room with him and hope it can slowly build up to being further away and eventually not at all. And there was something about modelling how we deal with our fears to show them being scared of something isn't unusual and that we can deal with it. Hopefully the phase passes for you soon

My DD went through this phase aged 6. Now 8 and fine to go upstairs on her own etc.

My DD had this and we went on an parent anxiety course with our local heath service. Essentially we had to stop feeding the fear (eg anticipating when it might happen), teach her some grounding techniques and breathing exercises and work up an exposure ladder, eg a week of sleeping in our room leads to a week of their room with someone else there , then a week someone there at bed time for 10 mins etc.

I think if I were you, I’d go with it. I think sometimes when we try to encourage independence and ‘bravery’, kids push back and become more needing of us. For some reason, he’s experiencing a regression of sorts. I would go with it if you can, be there for him, help him to feel safe with your actions, rather than try to persuade him he’s safe with words. You may want to talk (not at bed time) about what he is worried about - what’s his biggest worry? And think through and empathise with that (and challenge if necessary - “what gave you the idea that ghosts/monsters are real”). Maybe read a story about worries? I think the more he feels he can rely on you right now, the sooner he will develop the confidence to do these things independently again.

I can remember hearing about a stranger living in a family's loft space when I was a child. When I went upstairs to the toilet I had to walk under a door hatch in the ceiling that led to the loft. Totally convinced myself that it would open and someone would drop down and get me while my family were downstairs. I haven't thought about that for years. I don't think I ever told my parents why I was so scared. My point is he may have heard someone talking about something that has scared him. He will gradually get over it. Just be patient with him as I am sure you are being.

I have a son the same age and he's exactly like this, he goes to the toilet (downstairs) as if he's being chased and turns on every single light even in daytime, shouts to the room I'm in. Luckily he does go to sleep alone, but he will not go upstairs alone. I figured it was anxiety, as his heart beats so fast. I think that he will grow out of it when he's ready ?

Has there been anything to trigger it?

I had this a couple nights out of no where - one of my kids was in the room whilst I watched the news - the man who murdered the poor children! I didn't think much of it but she admitted today that scared her and its unreasonable as he's caught obviously and I told her this. She knows it's an unreasonable fear but I have to go bathroom with her now and be pottering around nearby if she's showering etc and she chooses to play nearby to me.

Overall the girls have phases if they see something or hear something or a friend tells a ghost story or some nonsense! Although I'm shocked about the news situation, I carelessly leave the news on in general. I didn't think that it may scare the kids at all, I feel a bit bad.

Our 6yr old DD has been the same for the last six months or so. Won't sleep in her room, go to the loo on her own etc.

Solidarity but unfortunately no advice. Watching in case of advice from others....

At 7 they are quite imaginative and are starting to have a greater understanding of the world outside, which is quite scary for all of us.

I think it's helpful to view it as a developmental stage of exploring how being frightened makes us feel, and what we can do to make ourselves feel better when it happens - so discuss and explore strategies. Talk about times when you get scared and what you do. Make it feel normal (which it is) and something that you can learn to cope with, but also something that you can ask for help with.

I think this is quite helpful: https://www.chop.edu/news/health-tip/tackling-irrational-fears-children-and-teens

@hagchic thank you!

I really like what you’ve written here, because the world can be a really scary place for grown ups, let alone 7 year olds. I remember hearing about Fred and rose West and it shook me to my core and was in my nightmares for weeks. I think some things can mean that children have their trust in the world and in others shaken. I agree with you that it is really developmentally appropriate; kids have to gradually realise that there are real dangers in the world and people who hurt others. I like the idea of modelling how we cope with fear - and that it is a normal and healthy (and protective!) emotion as long as we don’t let it overtake us. I think the fears of monsters and ghosts are the most easier ones to tackle. The harder ones are the very real dangers we live amongst

Thank you everyone for taking the time to write and help with advice. One of us will take him out for a hot chocolate this weekend and try and see if he can open up more and be more precise about what he is scared of exactly. If he won't say then we'll just let him be and just be there for him.

This is so true! The world is a scary place. I've always said be more fearful of the living than the dead to my kids from toddler age, but I think it hit home when she saw the news (playing with her barbies may I add, I didn't think anything of it) and she told me he looked scary and how did he become that way vs how he was a lovely boy when young. Tbh I didn't know what to say to her, out of no where. It says a lot that you still remember Fred and Rose West to this day and how you were scared. It was a big moment and we can only support our children now with this knowledge.

@Brinkley22

You raise a really important point that fear is important in telling us something might be dangerous, that we should stop and think (and risk assess). It is a protective mechanism

Exploring what is happening in the body - this video might be useful. It's a child friendly version of fight or flight reaction.

When my DS went through this at the same age, I bought him some Worry Dolls (available on Amazon). I told him that he could tell his worry dolls anything that he was worried or scared about and they would make his fear go away.

We put the little pouch of dolls under his pillow and didn’t mention them again.

I saw a gradual change in him. He was a lot less frightened about the idea of monsters or bad things happening to him. A couple of months later, I asked if he’d been talking to his dolls. He said he would whisper his thoughts to them before he went to sleep but he didn’t need to do it much now as they’d helped take the bad thoughts away.

It sounds very “woo” but they really did work.

I remember this so well - not from my kids but from my own childhood (I'm 64!!). My parents insisted that all doors be closed at all times (to keep the heat in, we had no central heating) and lights to be turned off immediately you'd left a room. The bathroom was upstairs, the flush was noisy, you had to pass dark rooms to get to it... and then turn off all the lights on your way back.

As regards the toilet thing, I would have felt better if there hadn't been multiple closed doors between me and everyone else (I used to try cunningly leaving the door ajar, but they always knew). Could you try (if it suits your lifestyle) having an Alexa or baby monitors or walkie-talkies around, so your DS knows that he can always talk to you wherever he is in the house?

I was about the same age when either bunty or mandy magazine did a story about a girl and a haunted ladle

I can see the pictures in my mind

I became terrified of that ladle-i really thought it would get me if I went to the toilet (and it didn't help that one time,as I sat there,the boiler kicked in and made boiler noises)

I took me years to be able to go upstairs by myself and even now I'm wary if I'm on my own-i have to be able to see right to the bottom of the stairs and have all the lights on if it's dark

It didn't help with all the adults getting angry with me but not asking what the problem was-i was smacked a few times for being frightened

Fast forward a few years and my youngest dd (at about the same age I had been) became scared that spooky spoon from the numberjacks would get her if she went upstairs

I just played the game of going upstairs with her but gradually,step by step (literally),standing at the bottom of the stairs until she grew out of it

I also did worry dolls with my children-they really do help (along with dreamcatchers for bad dreams)

My DS started suddenly being afraid of going to sleep/dark/random stuff when he was around 5. We established that he was afraid a wolf would attack him (3 little pigs and red riding hood have a lot to answer for!). No amount of explaining that we didn't have wolves here would convince him, and in desperation one night I grabbed the nearest object (which happened to be a pine cone) and told him how fortunate we had them in our house because wolves are terrified of them - and it worked! (We still tease him about this years later...)

I agree with the posters suggesting you try to identify exactly what the issue is since it might just be something niche and random that can easily be dealt with.

You've had great advice here OP. The key thing for me would be don't rationalise or try to persuade out of it, go with it and agree those are scray thoughts etc and allow them to be explored and voiced. I had small children in class worried about the storms and they were so glad to have time to talk about it, ask questions and then get some reassurance. If you can adopt an 'Oh that sounds hard, tell me more' approach it should help. Is there a favourite toy? I wonder if they're worried too, what could we do to help them? This might give some idea as to what your child himself needs. Best of luck (primary teacher and play therapist)