To talk about nothing other than kids

[Fallout123]

Probably get hate for this with it being Mumsnet but I am child free, last one of my friends. Someone who used to be my best friend is due her second child soon. In the last few years whenever I have seen her, there is no other conversation other than kids. We meet up in a group of 4 often and the entire conversation is about kids. Someone will ask about my life and she shows no interest and somehow diverts the conversation back to herself/kids. When I see my other friends individually we surprisingly have other things to talk about. Even on social media, every single story is about her child or pregnancy. AIBU to think this isn't normal?

YANBU not to like it, at all. That must be very boring for you.

I suspect I have become that person though. Small children plus full-time job equals no time for hobbies and not much energy to properly engage with, say, current affairs like I used to.

My best friend is child free and I know she gets very fed up with all of her friends' lives being dictated by small people. I try to limit how much I talk about them and obviously always ask about her. But I have nothing. Else. Going. On. I bore myself too if that makes you feel any better.

Agree with @BarbaraHoward

i used to be very well read, up to date and liked to talk politics, debate philosophy etc. would have all sorts of deep conversations

im in the trenches of small children now, exhausted, boring, and often find myself saying weird things because my brain feels like scrambled eggs.

I feel like I've been a little harsh but I do get that it takes over your life and I really do try to listen to her. But it's just hard when she so obviously couldn't give a toss about what's going on in my life and I feel it's a little rude to spend the entire 3 hours of conversation talking about something that you know 1 of you can't really engage in. Also I'm really not saying your lives are boring and I'm happy to listen.... to a reasonable extent 😂

How long has this person been a mother for? It is fairly normal for babies and toddlers to be all consuming in the early years, especially before going back to work.

I’ve had friends be baby bores temporarily and then come out the other side. Putting up with it when a friend is new to motherhood is just part of being a supportive long term friend, but if someone was still like this by the time their children were at school, then they’re just a boring person.

She'll come back to you in about five years.

I had a childless mate who said this when we announced our pregnancy 'Oh see you in five years then' 😂 bloody true tho

I get what posters are saying about being consumed by their own kids because it's so full on and having no time for hobbies but why does that stop the friend from asking how the op is or how their life is? I've a colleague like this and christ it was so draining. Even in the worst year of my life, neonatal death [twins] they actually droned on about their kids and how wrecked they were all the time. Totally tone deaf.

My mam always had a policy about not going on about us to people when we were kids and it's something I follow. I don't think it's good enough to say it's all you have going on. It shouldn't stop you being a friend and listening to others. The op said the friend deliberately changes the subject when the op talks. That's just selfish

Sorry but the posters saying it’s short term may be being optimistic. Some friends are still like that and I have teens. Thinking about it my parents in their 70s have a couple who are friends of theirs who incessantly bang on about their late 40s Dd.

Quietly see less of her and nurture other friendships. It’s very rude and selfish to talk about yourself all the time and not show interest in others.

If you are good friends perhaps you could tell her. She might be feeling too comfortable with you and just need a little reminder.

I have kids and childfree friends and honestly, when I have a conversation with them I let them bring up my kids (usually it starts with “how are the kids”), I’ll answer and then quickly move onto something we have a common. I don’t think it’s that interesting sharing every detail about my kids (unless I’m using them as an example to discuss some kind of grown up relatable theory).

I usually find people that are dismissive of you may be somewhat envious. Maybe she doesn’t even realise it, but sometimes it’s easy to feel as if life is passing you by with kids. I find it more weird that she doesn’t show much interest when it’s time to chat about you. I would be wondering why she’s clocking off? What’s happening in her life that your life seems “offensive” (not sure that’s the right word but hope you get what I mean).

This is me. I used to have reasonably good banter. No longer. I bore myself 😬

I may also be that person. My life is boring though, no two ways about it 😂. When everyone is leaving me alone and no one wants something from me, I don't want to be witty and interesting, I just want to stare at a blank wall.

Alcohol helps. But then I still have to get up early and deal with the little monsters, only feeling crap. So I don't let myself indulge too often.

I think it's normal to become a bit boring when you have small kids as you don't have as much headspace. That said it doesn't stop you from being able to ask questions and listen to the other person.

Some people are "parent bores" though and don't always grow out of it. I think some people genuinely think that you aren't a good mother unless you have no life outside of your children.

OP it's up to you how you approach this. Some people are fine with being shelved for a few years in the hope of being picked up again when the children are older and others move on to better friends.

It's not nice to dump your friends when you have children and then five years later a lot of women complain that they've had no support through the toddler years.

If you asked my group of friends (who all have had babies at various times) if they have a friend who only talks about their kids all the time I'm pretty sure we would all say yes and name the same person. Yes it's hard work with young children but some people are definitely a lot worse/less self-aware about this than others!

Those that say they do it surely if you know this you can make an effort to address it? Surely you don’t not ask others about their lines just monologue about your toddler?

It is extremely annoying. I've been on both sides of this equation and as a relatively old mother (I had my daughter at 39) I went through this with a lot of friends when they had kids before me. I remember that feeling of finding it impossible to engage people on any topic of conversation other than their kids for more than about ten seconds: it feels insensitive, dull and tone deaf.

To be fair, when you have small infants it is very hard to find headspace for much else: for about three for four years I didn't want or really read much news, I didn't read many books, never went to the cinema or theatre. People without children really struggle to understand how much it limits you.

What I would say is that it will pass. After a few years the children will go to school. Everyone will get bored of looking at life from such a small level all the time and people do start to want their lives back.

I would withdraw a bit, sensibly, without any drama or recriminations, but keep the doors open. Remember they probably are exhausted and feel a bit insecure about how small their lives have become, and cut them some slack. I pretty much guarantee they will come back. But while you wait, find other child free friends and enjoy your relative freedom.

The reality is that their lives have changed irrevocably. You can be a part of it or you can be resentful about it. I genuinely thought I was going to be child free so I went through all the emotions you're feeling now in my 20s and 30s. At 38 I had my daughter and suddenly I saw it from the other side. Your child is now your focus.

It’s tricky. Your lives are tracking different paths, and your friend probably won’t emerge from the “consumed by parenting” stage until her youngest is in secondary school.

My friends with no kids were still people I liked and wanted to spend time with, but we drifted for a while.

Why not meet and arrange to DO something instead of just talk? Maybe a trip to the cinema or go and buy shoes together.

A good friendship will stand the test of time. Let these years slip and reconnect later.

Oh and I was going to add - I have mum friends, and work friends, and friends who are retired, but only one old friend who is my age who stayed single without kids but we do still meet up. Sometimes.

Thanks all, I guess it is good to see it from a different perspective and it's my choice on how to handle it. As I say I do understand a little and I guess I am a little bit hurt at the moment as for context I went through a very bad breakup with fiancée not long ago and that is where I noticed that she just didn't care about anything going on for me. Other friends were checking in and asking about the new house etc but nothing from her and actively changing the subject when I spoke of any of it. But we are also in just very different stages of life.

That's really shit of her. I would definitely be able to (and very much want to) find space to look after a friend going through that. She's a bad friend, don't put yourself out for her.

Does she have anything else in life except kids…career, interests etc? Kids can be all consuming and I know people a bit like this. Another example is DH is a teacher and when we meet some friends that are also teachers or ex teachers you have to constantly steer the conversation away from it.

Funnily enough, she is a teacher 😂

OP not sure if you are aware but there is a board for Mumsnetters without children (for whatever reason). come over and say hello.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/childfree-mumsnetters

I am a Mother and on my 40th birthday I went out with some women friends, Three of us were Mothers and three were not. My God my two friends who were also Mothers could talk about nothing but their children. It was a very pivotal moment as they had become subsumed by Motherhood and remained that way, it was like as an individual disappeared.

Your life does change forever when you have children but it is boring talking about only kids. The four women that I see and speak to the most all have children and we do talk about them, the kids are all young adults now but we talk about plenty of other stuff.

But as to your situation, a friend not being supportive of such a serious break up is a bad friend.

I feel your pain and I don't think you are being unreasonable. Once I was out of the baby stage with my son I was able to converse with my friends on a range of non-baby topic and I always took an interest in what was going on in their lives - relationships, career milestones etc.
I had my son later in life (not by choice) and I was in your position with certain friends before he was born. It was shit. I vowed never to put my friends in that position and I make a really big effort to ensure conversations are balanced.

My son is 3 now and I work 4 days a week. I may be a experiencing things differently from the majority of mums as I only have one child (not entirely out of choice I might add) so I'm out of the sleepless nights and baby brain stage, and I work in an industry where I absolutely have to keep up with current events and economics, so that means I usually have plenty of things I could potentially discuss with friends at different life stages. I've always been a big reader and I find a way to read even if it's just a few pages on the commute as it's such a big part of my identity. My favourite treat is to go for a few beers with my gay best friend once in a while and talk about all the things we used to talk about before I become a mum! Sometimes I feel like a totally weirdo for being like this as it is probably odd for a toddler mum, but growing up I always saw my mum maintaining friendships with women who were either childless or who met their partners and had kids much, much later. She always had a great support network (including when her and my dad sadly divorced) and I grew up understanding that there's no "one size fits all" way to be a woman due to the different friends of my mum's who often popped by which I feel was very healthy for me to see.
To those posters who say it's normal to not have any other conversation apart from small children - I don't think I'm better than you, we are all different and we all experience motherhood differently.
But OP, I really do feel your pain and I think your friend was a bit shit about your breakup and you are within your rights to feel upset.