Divorce costs making me ill

[Piunt]

Ex and I are having a very horrible and contentious divorce. It’s been horrendous. Parent alienation, hidden assets, unpaid school fees, blatant lies (told young daughter I broke up our family for my boyfriend - completely made up as I am entirely single) etc. Ex has maintained he was going to file for bankruptcy basically throughout the entire process due to business having problems (lies). He has hidden behind mental health as an excuse not to work being funded by parents who has wrapped around his finger. You name it really. Within an hour of me telling ex I wanted a divorce the cards had been cancelled and the accounts drained.

Going into the marriage I had some savings about £30k and it’s all gone now. Ex owns a business and we made a good living but it has huge overheads so it needs to be managed very closely.

Im just an anxious wreck. I would say we are closer to the end and not too far from resolving things. I have just returned to work and my kids have adjusted fairly well.

I just need my share of the house sale for a deposit for a 2 bed house. And I will be more than happy with that. All the money wasted on lawyers genuinely makes me feel ill. That money could have gone to my son’s school fees so he could have stayed and sat his A2s at the school he flourished at. Thank God, he has continued to do well. He’s very protective of me and does his best to protect me in his own way - he keeps things to himself so as to not to increase my burden. My poor boy.

I had a day off and just spent the day in bed due to stress. About to get up for the kids.

Any encouragement would be amazing.

Ex was a narcissist and became a bully in the last year of our marriage.

Hang in there. It will be worth it when you are rid of him. I'm afraid it's the price we pay to excise them from our lives.

Coming up for three years for me, worth every single penny it cost. My Absolute came through on April Fool's Day which kind of sums it all up! Happiness and calm all the way now. Life is good, your future will be too. 💐

I am sorry you are going through this. I wouldn’t dwell on the costs, they will be what they are and worth it to be free (my divorce was hideous and expensive too). Focus on the future and the wonderful, free and happy life you and your kids are going to have. I’m a few years post-divorce and it’s great.

Keep going once you have your house it will all be worth it and you will look back on it as a bad time which you came out the other side of.

@Piunt The costs are high due to your ex. Procrastination costs. Hiding assets costs. Lying costs. It’s what people do to hurt someone else. However it does all have to be out in the open to reach a financial settlement or you wouldn’t know what you could buy. I’m always amazed at how men (it usually is) are ok hurting their dc. They simply don’t care for anyone beyond themselves. So stay strong and you will get through this. Your legal reps are doing all they can. Unfortunately it’s not cheap but I’m assuming you didn’t want to DIY. It’s your ex who could have saved the lawyers costs but has preferred the money to go in another direction. A sad human being.

Appreciate the kind messages. Just so over feeling constantly sick to my stomach

I'm ten years out the other end.

I had help from my parents financially for solicitors but my god, the money. Yes.

I think you have to just get through it and abstract the cost as much as you can in your head.

I had twenty odd thousand in the house deposit and more from overpayments. He drained it all away. But any price was worth my freedom. At one point I really thought I'd end up tied to his debts and worse. I got out less than what I put in, but it was enough to move on.

Do whatever you have to do to start your new life and try not to look back.

My XH and I had no children and no house. We were quite young and just starting out.

it should have been a very simple divorce. He fought me every step of the way. I ended up paying more to my solicitor than my 50% of assets from the marriage. I could have given XH all the money and it would not have mattered, he was just angry and wanted to punish me.

it didn’t matter though. Even as I paid the legal bills and all of the rent and utilities, I noticed my bank account creeping up. It turns out XH was spending much more than I had realized.

plus the most important thing, when it was finally over a ridiculously long time later, I was free. I got to start my 2nd chapter. It was absolutely worth the turmoil.

Just wanted to send you solidarity ✊️ hang in there, you're close to the end now. I'm so sorry he's put you through all this.

Keep your eyes on that light at the end of tunnel. In a few years this will all be a horrible memory. You will have a clear conscience - he will not. Look after yourself and do whatever you need to get through - a day in bed, a long soak with relaxing bubble bath, a walk in the woods, coffee and cake with a friend, a pizza and movie night with the kids. Create little oasis' of calm in the chaos 💐

My exh was similar to yours. Hiding assets, devaluing property, threats, lies, manipulation etc. He alienated himself from our friends and even our kids in order to be able to be as cruel to me as possible with minimal intervention. It took 2 years and 3 months from separation to finalising the divorce. It was horrible at times but at least I could walk away from it knowing I’m still a good person with all my relationships intact. He has destroyed his relationship with his kids and I am not that can ever be repaired.

On the plus side, despite the cost of the divorce, I have more money than I had whilst married as he was financially abusive and I’m completely free from him since our kids are adults now. It’s worth it, it always is. I kept that photo of Nicole Kidman coming of her lawyers office after her divorce from Tom Cruise in my mind as I knew that would be me one day and it was.