Am I in denial about the menopause?

[Purrdy]

It's got such awful connotations for women.
I grew up with my mother talking endlessly negatively about the menopause.
It became something I grew up dreading.
Psychologically I'm really battling with the emotions attached to hitting the menopause.
I'm not ready to get old yet.
Mentally I still feel so young.
I think it's complicated further by being an old mum. I'm 50. Kids are 10 and 13.
Terrible fertility due to PCOS and endometriosis led to late motherhood.
So anyway, my kids are young so I need to stay young. I'm not ready to admit I'm in the menopause.
But here's how I feel:
Exhausted
Brain fog
Widespread muscle pain
Stiffness
Zero energy
Forgetting words to the point of social and professional embarrassment.
Calling people by the wrong names when I know very well what their correct name is, and this has caused offence to some people, I've seen it in their expressions.
Something that I can't identify has gone within me. I've lost my spark. My enthusiasm. My happiness for life. I just feel flat. Yet I'm not depressed.
Poor sleep
Waking up unrefreshed
Exhaustion like I have never known, bone aching exhaustion
And now, that same feeling I used to get the day before my period; a deep, dragging, heavy, painful feeling in my tummy that makes me feel really unwell and like I need to lay down all day. Except I haven't had a period for 2 years. Yet this premenstrual feeling keeps on hitting me in waves, but I'm not bleeding.
I had no slow changes to my menstrual cycle. I had my period as usual, nothing different (I always had horrendous, irregular periods for a week). And after it finished, that was it. It literally never happened again. Complete and utter sudden ending. I kept wondering when I was going to get my period again. I was always irregular but the weeks were lasting for much longer than usual.....and then.....nothing. it just never returned.
So I keep on battling with the fact that I'm menopausal. I don't know why.
I'm too embarrassed to admit it to a GP. I've got so much tied up in the bitter emotional disappointment of not being a younger mum like I wanted to be. I've thought about this and if my kids were 21 and 18 I think I'd be alright about the menopause. I think I'd accept that this was my stage of life now.
But I don't want to be an old mum. I never wanted to be an old mum. My children adore me so, and I feel like I have let them down for having them so late in life.
I'm so sad.
Please help.😢

There are a few specialised clinics/consultants around now that specialise in menopause. I think I'd start with a consultant with one of them, plus, a complete private health check at Bupa or similar.

Also, and I know you don't want to hear this, but ageing also plays a part in those conditions you describe.

The problem with mumsnetters is that they think "old" is a negative word.

Over-hall your diet, see a nutritionist if you can.

In short, throw money at the problem and do everything you can to stay healthy.

Huge hugs to you OP💗

It’s a very difficult time being a parent and going through peri / menopause. Western society reveres youth and glorifies youthfulness - we see it everywhere. It’s hard to change your mindset, because we are bombarded. But that’s part of the solution - at least IMHO - that and HRT as well as all the boring shit like diet and movement.

Dont be ashamed to be an ‘older’ mum, there is no perfect age anyway and frankly at least you have some life experience and wisdom to impart in your children.

Have you considered getting some therapy to help you work through the shame and fear?

I do understand OP but I think this is something most of us struggle with. The physical and emotional changes are tough but it's also really tough accepting our age and life stage. I know I find it hard and I'm late 40s with a DD applying to university so I don't think it's necessarily just about having young kids.
Getting support (HRT in my case) helped enormously.
Not sure being in denial helps.

My kids are 10 and 13 and I’ve been on HRT for about 18 months now. It’s been transformative. I have my energy back, my joy for life, I’m calmer and better humoured. I feel like me again. Physically I’m much less achy too.

I might be an older mum, but I don’t feel it anyway near much as I did 18 months ago, when I just wanted to curl up in a corner and have everyone leave me the hell alone.

I also feel there's a lot of grief bound up in accepting im no longer in my younger, fertile years and my baby is all grown up. Maybe this feels particularly raw for you if you've had a long struggle with infertility. Might be something a good counsellor could help you to work through?

That's how I feel too!
I'm turning down social invites left right and centre because I just want to be left alone. That's not like me.
How old are you?
And what type of HRT are you on?
I know zero about HRT.

I’m 46, @Purrdy, but started feeling like this at about 43/44. Was treated for depression at first, which wasn’t helping. Then once I turned 45 it was as if some switch flicked with my GP and I was “allowed” to be suffering from menopausal symptoms and she got me straight onto HRT. It was honestly transformative - I started feeling better almost immediately.

I already had a Mirena coil, which gives me progesterone, so she gave me estrogen patches (Evorel) which I change twice a week. Took a bit of experimenting to get the dosage right, but 75mg seems to be right for me.

I would really, really recommend talking things over with an understanding GP who’d done their menopause homework. It’s made such a difference not just to my life but to the family’s (as I was honestly becoming quite hard to live with).

My mum was your age when I was 10 and now that I'm that age, I realise a lot of my childhood issues were related to her menopause.

Go see the GP, get yourself sorted out, it's not worth wasting time wishing things were different...

Absolutely throw money at your health, as pp said.

But I've actually (once I talked properly to my lovely woman GP, not the inital male GP, who looked like a rabbit in headlights) had a lot of help from the GP. Also get tested for thyroid, iron, etc and basically have yearly blood tests to check these things. Makes a huge difference.

I started peri in my early 40s. I suffered terribly for a few years until I finally went on HRT. I started with tablets and am now taking Everol Conti patches. Most of my symptoms are kept under control but nothing seems to touch my anxiety.

OP I agree that it sounds like your thoughts about ageing are exacerbated by the fertility difficulties you have had and that some counselling could help you. You have already given enough time and energy to that particular struggle - and thankfully you have your children as a result - but please don't let it rob you of your future health and happiness.

Yes, at 50 you are an older woman. At 52, I am too. But that has no bearing on whether or not you're a good mother. What it can have implications for is your own health, as you are finding, and this is what you need to concentrate on. For yourself.

Menopause is both an event and a transition that takes us to our female selves as we will be for the rest of our lives, without menstruation. Many of us find it difficult, as you are finding it, and there are things we can do to protect ourselves and set ourselves up as we journey into our futures.

It doesn't matter where we are in terms of careers/children/marriage/family lives - we have decades of ovulation prior to menopause and so we are all in different situations wrt every aspect of that when our bodies go through these challenges. And these challenges will come at the time set by our hormones, regardless.

You're not a failure and you haven't done anything wrong. You've experienced a catastrophic drop in oestrogen and that is playing havoc with your health. Please talk to your GP, there are things you can try. If you're able to take HRT then you might find that things improve very quickly for you.

You need to really focus on your health and wellbeing. If you go down the hrt route fine (there's a board with lots of info on here) but in the meantime you need to make huge efforts on things you haven't had to before.

So, lots of physical activity to aid mood and sleep. Walk everywhere possible.
Relaxation and calm apps again to help mood.

Try to stop focusing on your age, many women are parents to similar age kids just try and count your blessings that you have kids at all, sorry don't want to sound patronising.

Reduce caffeine and alcohol, that'll affect sleep. Eat well. It's all boring stuff but whe your hormones are fluctuating then depleting you really do need to promote self care. Good luck.

HRT really helped me although I have struggled with realising I am now "old". I wallowed in it a bit and then joined a gym and started making a big effort with my eating and that (along with the HRT) has really helped my energy levels. I can't avoid aging but I can stave off immobility by being healthier.

Agree that gym has been fantastic for me too. Strength classes with weights, spin sessions, yoga and pilates. All the clichés, but doing a combination of these has me fitter and stronger. Not as fit and strong as I was at 30, but better than I would otherwise be at 52.

I did need to get the HRT sorted out though, to help specifically with sleeping and with regulating my temperature - I was a dripping sweaty mare without it, which doesn't mix so well with gym.

I think you need to work on acceptance of the reality of the situation. I found it hard for a couple of years when I first started perimenopause, but now, a few years in, I'm embracing the changes a lot more and looking forward to the end of periods. Menopause has no bearing on your ability to be a good mother providing you take care of your physical and mental health and get as much rest as you need. Especially as they aren't babies or toddlers. See your GP for HRT as it may help your energy levels and that may help you feel less worried about the parenting side of things. There is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about - easy to say, I know, but it's true. Gosh, I ended up waffling to my doctor about my (lack of) sex life the other day and how, being 48, I generally prefer a cup of tea. I did blush, but she was entirely unfazed.

It's a change, not a death sentence.

Im on HRT. Started st 47 now 49 although periods still regular but only last 2 days.
I felt just like you OP before i started, within 3 months i got my mojo back.
The Oestrogen also keeps us youthful.
Many of my friends refused HRT and to be frank, they look old and haggered. Oestrogen keeps us physically and mentally younger.
Im on Evorel sequi patches.

But I don't want to be an old mum. I never wanted to be an old mum. My children adore me so, and I feel like I have let them down for having them so late in life.
I'm so sad

In your post you state that "you are not depressed" but then go on to describe how sad you are and dwelling on negative feelings about having your children later than you would have liked. Frankly you do sound somewhat depressed and like you're struggling with some irrational thoughts.

You haven't had a period in two years so, at age 50, you are indeed postmenopausal. By all means consider HRT if it's right for you, but I think you might benefit from some counselling to help you process your feelings around not having your children when you were younger.

Unfortunately we live in a society that doesn't value age. As a consequence many women waste too much time and energy denying that they are indeed getting older; don't fall into that trap! I suspect that if you take steps to feel better physically then your outlook won't be so pessimistic. And getting some help with your negative thinking could allow you to move forward without being weighed down with regrets. Time to take action so that you can start to feel better! Take care.

It sounds like your mom set up very negative programming in you with regards to menopause. It also sounds like both your physical and mental health are off balance. I agree with previous posters that investing money in your physical and mental health will have good benefits. Look for a medical practitioner comfortable discussing the symptoms and available treatments for physical management and a counselor for discussing your negative feelings about being an older mom and menopause.