Expecting friends or family to pay £££ for your hen/stag/birthday is mental.

[Mrspinkpurple]

Please give me your opinions on this:
I personally feel that asking others to pay hundreds of pounds to attend your hen do/ birthday etc is mental.

I do fully appreciate we are all different and have different wants but I couldn’t find the nerve in me to put my friends and family into a group chat and send them links to a £500+ weekend away for my hen do.

I do also appreciate everyone’s money situation is different.

For my hen do it cost around £50 plus the option to stay over which was about £30-40 each. (5-6 years ago) I was honest and said I’d rather everyone be there and afford it rather than only half attend due to costs.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that it’s now the thing to pay for the bride as well, adding another £100 onto costs.

Am I being mean and unreasonable or do people agree with me?

Most brides don't organise their own hen dos though. So it's not them doing the asking. And people can always say no...

I think it’s crazy. I wouldn’t expect people to come to something like that and I wouldn’t go on anyone else’s.

It's an invite not a summons. My friends and I were getting married in peak big hen do times. It was more of an invitation for a holiday, certainly wouldn't expect the bride to host the cost of it. We were young, affluent and child free.

But how did you know people could afford your £90. And new clothes, and drinks/food and so on?

You either go or you don't. I didnt have a hen, but I've been on some brilliant hen weekends away and another coming up abroad. You either can go or you can't, it's not rude. It's not a summons.

I don’t have an issue with it. If I want to go to something, I accept the invitation. If I don’t want to or can’t justify the money, I decline it. Fortunately I have emotionally healthy friendships with a large group of very normal, rational women and men, who behave in the same way when it comes to invitations and don’t take somebody saying “sorry, really can’t afford this right now, let’s go out for some celebratory drinks one evening soon though” as a personal affront.

I holiday with friends a lot, and a hen weekend is ultimately just another reason for another holiday for most of us. There aren’t any weird politics.

Same. I think hen dos are overrated.

Some people would rather do a holiday abroad with a smaller group than a big night out locally with loads of people, some might like a quiet spa day, others might want to get hammered in silly outfits. So long there’s no guilt piled on anyone that doesn’t want to attend, whether the reasons are financial or just because they don’t fancy it, then I fail to see the issue personally. The old classic ‘it’s an invite not a summons’ rings true. And if the bride is going to kick off at you because you decline a £500 weekend away then your issue is a selfish friend, not the choice of location.

I was in three main friend groups when I had my hen.

For one the norm was a £250 spend, for the other two, it was a £125 spend. There was no noticeable difference in enjoyability (in fact I went to two in the same city within a fortnight, one double the cost of the other - the cheaper one was at much nicer accommodation and better activities).

I gave my bridesmaids a strict cap of £125, had people to stay at my house, and made it very optional - a few people just paid the token amount to contribute to the afternoon party, whilst some came for the whole thing.

I am going on a hen weekend to Greece this year which is costing around £500 but I'm happy to pay it. I've been friends with the bride since secondary school and now in our 30s and to me, it's worth it. Anyone who doesn't feel it's worth it, doesn't have to come. If it's what the bride wants, I don't think a bride owes any of her friends/family a more 'affordable' hen do just to cater to people who can't justify it (I'm aware it's often not the bride who plans, but IMO the bride always has final say on the cost/general idea).

If I were the bride, I would make sure the hens organising it were mindful about finances. You typically know out of your friendship group who is better off, and maybe those who might be struggling. I would much rather do something cheaper so everyone can be included than something really expensive and only a few come.

The brides may not be the one organising it but I imagine they would have an idea if their friends were being asked to go abroad for a few days.

They can’t play ignorant and say they don’t know the costs involved because any decent person would make sure they were kept reasonable.

I'm surprised so many agree with me on this. Usually people on MN think that hens in particular, (but also birthday celebrations for people over 18, baby showers, etc.basically anything that involves leaving your house and potentially spending money) are the work of the devil.

I agree it would be unreasonable to expect someone to attend an expensive event - i.e. sulk or be annoyed if they refused for any reason. But completely disagree it's unreasonable to have an expensive event at all - as the other posters have said - it's an invite, not a summons.

People on MN seem to think that just because they wouldn't want to go away with friends nobody would, but for lots of people hens etc. are their holidays for the year - they can't think of anything better than going away somewhere nice with some of their favourite people, to celebrate a major life event for a close friend. Therefore they don't feel resentful because although the hen/birthday/whatever is the reason for the party/holiday, they see themselves as paying for themselves to do something they want to do, in exactly the same way they wouldn't 'resent' going away or for a nice meal with a partner or their kids or anyone else.

As long as you take a refusal with good grace there's nothing wrong with having a more expensive event. tbh OP I would have found your invite more annoying, because of the guilt tripping "I've made it so cheap because I want everyone to come" basically makes it hard for anyone to refuse, for any reason. There could be multiple reasons completely excluding cost someone might not want to attend - they don't want to be away from a child, have an illness they don't want others to know about, the event planned sounds like their idea of hell, etc.

I would consider £50 on something I didn't want to do, for someone I wasn't that bothered about, far more of a waste of my money than £500 for something I knew I'd enjoy, with my best friends.

We took the view that it was our wedding so we paid for it, including the hen and stag do, best man and bridesmaids were given a budget and organised something within that.
We were just grateful people took the time out and travelled an hour to be at our wedding, that alone costs quite a bit.

The only time I've heard of these hens are on Mumsnet.

I've been to several hen dos and never had to pay a penny. Where I'm from, the host pays, no matter what.

I agree to a certain extent however given the cost of things these days its very hard to get a cheap night out. I live in Ireland here and 50e doesn't go very far on a night out or a dinner. hotels are at least 150e a night. you can try and shop around to get cheaper but it doesn't always happen. for my hen party it was 250e per person. that included dinner breakfast nights stay and show. no one dropped out. I didn't do 2 nights away or abroad. but I can see how going abroad seems better value for money
that saying as someone else said above if it's good friends of mine I would pay to go I Will know I have a good time. to me that's priceless
as someone else said you can say no

I paid for my bridesmaids' flights to the hen do. We split the accommodation. I paid for their dresses, hair and make up, jewellery for the wedding and provided a place to stay. They covered their travel to the wedding.

It’s crazy. What is wrong with a nice meal out and some drinks.

So glad I (and most of my friends) got married before this was a thing. We went for a nice meal followed by a few drinks and had a great night. I’m also lucky that birthday wise I’m friends with people the same age so when we have a “big” birthday, such as we all recently turned 50, we will arrange to have one event/weekend away that we all agree on for our friendship group so we’re not attending 4 separate birthday events in 6 months.

As much as you think you know how much money people have it can be very deceptive. I know people with an outwardly comfortable lifestyle and good jobs who are drowning in debt but would still go to these events to keep up appearances, it’s got out of hand.

We all went to Marbella for my hen do in 2015, I really wanted to do one of the pool parties with the day beds in VIP & then a nightclub in the evening with drinks package. I was aware it was a big expense so I put in £500 of my own money towards the total which was I think £1000 ish, i can’t remember now, and then the rest was split between 10 people. I think if you want to do these things you should be prepared to stump up the money yourself as a bride. I was already grateful that people had come to Marbella which in itself was a big expense. I had a smaller more local hen do for those that couldn’t attend Marbella.

Most brides will be telling their BM/MOH what they want though.

Very few BMs will be suggesting £500+ trips without the bride’s input.

People can have what they want but they should be clear about the costs upfront. I went to a hen do last year and it was utterly ridiculous. Initially the MOH gave us options about what parts of the hen do we wanted to do and the cost, so I said I would just do the afternoon tea part. About a month before the MOH then told us we all had to contribute towards the cost of decorations, games and other things. It ended up costing a lot more than she initially promised, and I didn't want to pull out and lose what I'd already paid. All in all including the train ticket it ended up costing nearly £200 just for me to attend an afternoon tea.

perhaps I am being unfair but I feel strongly that costs need to be discussed upfront. Things like games, decorations etc need to be covered by the bridal party unless the hens have been told prior to committing that they will also need to contribute X amount to this. There was no understanding whatsoever that people with commitments do not have a spare £200 to spend on one afternoon of fun.

Some years ago I also remember going to someone's house for a hen party and having to send money in advance for food. Again maybe I am being unfair but I would never ask for money to go towards food at my house, just like I'd never ask for money towards a dinner party.

I’m old and last hen do I went to was in 1996. Back then it was just a meal and a piss up

This whole extravagant weekend abroad hen party seems to be a fairly recent thing.

I was in Rhodes last Sept and there was a big hen party we used to see out every night in themed outfits. My holidays are precious and dressing up in fancy dress and bar crawling every night would be my holiday from hell

Another thing that annoyed me about the hen do last year was the MOH was trying to drill down how many bottles of champagne to order, and was asking people 2 months in advance the exact amount of glasses they would drink!

I’ve been on a fair few hen dos with overnight stays around the UK - more so when I was young and child free which made it a bit easier - and they were all over 20 years ago so not a new thing. I’ve not been abroad for one, but would do it if for a good friend and could afford it. I have younger relatives and going abroad is certainly more popular now. There are a lot of people on mumsnet who hate weddings and parties!

I completely agree with you but realise a lot of people don't!

I absolutely love holidays and I save as much as I physically can from my pay to go on the holidays I want to go on and have trips planned years in advance, if someone then throws something like this in the mix that would completely get in the way of my holiday fund and that would be a whole holiday I then couldn't go on.

I realise that sounds incredibly selfish but i have a minimum wage job and budget like mad to afford the things I want to do in my life.

I don't drink, don't like nights out at all, and honestly couldn't think of anything worse than paying all that money to hang out with people I've never even met for a full weekend of activities I don't want to do!

I was invited to two hen do's in the space of a month the other year, one would have been around £500 for 1 night/2 days away in the UK, the other was a £200 event in London but due to where I live (north west) I would have had to factor in train and hotel costs too, so maybe another £200.

I love my friends but £900 in a month on 2 hen do's is insane. Plus the costs associated with the actual wedding.

I got married in Vegas with just my husband and mum there, and had a party with a buffet when I got back.

For my 'hen do' I basically planned four separate things with my different groups of friends/family based on things we enjoy doing as a group/family. Really it was just an excuse to spend time with people and do fun things!

With one group of friends, we had a sleepover and watched wedding themed films and got a Chinese. With another friend we went shopping and for lunch. Another we went to a theme park for the day.