How do you explain cheating to young kids?

[HappyHelper123]

Just that really. Thread I read got me thinking.

Apologies, I wasn’t really going out of my way to be useful to the casual reader but will do better next time!

Dh never told his kids. Never badmouthed their mum or said anything negative.

as soon as they were old enough to stay by themselves around 16 - after about 10 years of them visiting happily- she told them it was us had the affair and broke up the marriage. When I met dh they’d been broken up ages and she had her OM living in his house with his kids from the day she asked dh to leave.

kids haven't spoken to him since.

so I don’t know. I would say don’t drag your kids through adult issues. They don’t need to know the details. But then you risk someone else telling them a different story.

I think 16 is different. My mum had an affair and moved in with the OM when I was 14. I knew the details. The OP says ‘young children’ though. I wouldn’t tell primary/nursery aged children but I may sit them down and tell them the truth when they’re teens.

Sorry everyone, yes I meant cheating in relationships. And yes, I meant, something has to be said if the partner moves out, was just wondering what

I love this. I guess if it is their parent though, they have to see them, and the conversation gets more complex

Just say the usual mummy and daddy don't love each other anymore speech.

They don't need to know daddy is now porking someone else.

You don't, why on earth would you? I had a friend that was talking to her five year old about adult things, safe to say I dropped that friend.

All that has to be said is they don't get along anymore!

WTH. You don’t. Why would you even want too? Jesus.

You don't.

I think even early teens is too young and parents should protect them.

What! So your DP explained the logistics of how it wasn't possible and they just..still stopped speaking to him? Had their mum created an entire false narrative or was it the 'trust me, he cheated' thing? That's awful.

You do not explain this to a young child

They never gave him the chance to explain. They’ve never spoken to him about it. Once they finished school/ uni they stopped taking his calls and visiting. We found out by chance from a mutual friend.

they both live with their mum still as adults and are very enmeshed so I doubt anything he said would make them believe otherwise.

When they're young, you don't. Older kids who understand and are constantly asking, I would explain it as when you get married you promise to love and be with only that person and not anyone else. Dad wanted to be with someone else so we had to get divorced.

None of the gruesome details.

Sadly I had to tell my then 7 year old son, as ex-p took him to visit his mum (Nan) and took the affair partner as a sort of holiday.
We then had to move out of the rented home as I couldn't afford it by myself.

My ex is a bloody liar and I know he would have told DS and absolute crock of shit so I told him the truth in as gentle and age appropriate way as I could.

He's nearly 13 now, and it hasn't stopped him from loving and seeing his Dad but he also rolls his eyes at him because he knows what he's like.

So it kinda ended up ok I guess.

I had to as exH moved the new girlfriend into the former marital home less than 24 hours after I moved out. Very confusing for DD5.

I just said daddy stopped loving mummy and started loving bit'o'fluff instead, but that he still loved DD, and that adults sometimes stop loving each other but they always love their kids the same...

I think young children understand a lot more than we realise.

When my son was very young (about 4-ish) he told me that I couldn't take Grandad to a coffee morning because he might get his head turned by the other Grannies. I was extremely surprised because he wasn't that socially clued in in other regards. For some reason he has always understood the concept of infidelity in monogamous relationships, even though we've never known anyone who had done that. I think that understanding must be hard wired.

You explain you are splitting up because you want different things, you do not explicitly talk about cheating as that isn't relevant to their future relationship with their other parent

Simple facts

Daddy is not living here any more
Daddy lives with Jane now
You will visit Daddy and jane on saturday

They don't need to be involved in adult issues

If they ask say

Sometimes friends are not friends any more

My three DDs were 14wks, 2 and 6 when my ExH Left for the OW.

I told the 6yo that daddy had moved in with a new friend. I used to read books like 'Mum and dad glue' with her (it demonstrates that even though mum and dad aren't together anymore, the love for their children never breaks). It was a really rough time.

I tried to explain it in simpler terms, and often, to the 2yo but she didn't understand (too young). She used to look in rooms and cupboards for her dad. She then became obsessed with the book Stickman (Stickman returns to his 'stick lady love and his stick children three' at Christmas with Santa's help). Maybe she thought that like Stickman her dad was lost somewhere.

I think the older two only realised that he really, really, wasn't coming back when we moved house.

You don’t.

Children don’t need to be bought into the politics of a break up. They need to be protected.

They will figure out things for themselves by a certain age and see people for who they are and if that doesn’t happen what does anybody really gain from telling them that one of their parents was unfaithful?

People need to learn the separate a husband and wife relationship and a parent and child relationship.

You can be an awful partner but still an amazing parents. The two don’t need to be mixed together.

Simply put it’s a case of saying “Mummy and Daddy love you very much but they have decided that they want to be friends now instead of being married. It doesn’t change how we feel about you and we are still a family but now we will live in two houses instead of one.”

I don’t think you can. A cheating husband/wife is not and never will be an amazing parent. They have shown through their actions that they do not value the mental wellbeing of their children. You can dress it up however you like but loving parents do not implode families.

Omg that's horrible:(

Yeh that's what prompted the question,
a) seeing soooo many MN posts on cheating partners and realising that
b) DS would actually notice/be bothered at this age if there was a change in living situation where I don't think he would have done a year or two ago

Yeh I guess that's all you can do. I know my child would be absolutely terrified we'd stop loving him one day if he realised that was a concept though.