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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner reminisced about sexual encounter with ex

27 replies

TheAzurePoet · 23/01/2025 10:33

Soo...my partner and I were talking about exes the other day. He was interested to know if I still spoke to mine on messanger. I don't. He mentioned there was a woman he still had a messanger chat with...this is a woman he actually had a fling with whilst she was married about 6 years ago. Not cool in itself , but well before I knew him. I was a little perplexed he still chatted to her but he assured me they were friends first then had brief fling and they have just remained friends ever since. Half a dozen chats per year just keeping up with each others lives etc. Soo I read the last couple of messangers. While largely just chit chat there was one where she tells him how bad she felt for her infidelity all those years ago but that she had had such a big crush on him ( my partner) and no regrets. In another my partner tells her was driving past a particular location and a time they had together in the past came to mind.. I was livid. He says I'm out of line and overreacting. That I shouldn't try to control who he's friends with. I actually have no problem with him having female friends. I'm generally pretty secure in relationships. I do however have a problem with the tone and context of their chat though and it's made me lose trust. AIBU?

OP posts:
MyNeatNavyExpert · 23/01/2025 10:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

RandomButtons · 23/01/2025 10:51

He had sex with a married person, that would change my view of him.

Reminiscing about that to her would be a relationship ender for me.

MidnightBloom · 23/01/2025 10:52

You are a better person than me op because I wouldn't be happy with dh talking with an ex. I agree with you he has crossed a line with the message regarding thinking about the location with her to me it sounds like he's pushing his luck flirting with her.

LostittoBostik · 23/01/2025 10:53

How long have you been together?

If that was a newish partner it would be game over for me.

Itrytobesensible · 23/01/2025 10:59

I wouldn't be happy at this at all.

Firstly he and she have no respect for fidelity in relationships otherwise they wouldn't have had a sexual relationship while she was married to some one else.

Secondly it sounds as though they still have a sexual attraction for each other and given the right circumstances would reignite their affair.

I'd end my relationship with him.

404ErrorCode · 28/01/2025 14:04

Your boyfriend has no morals or loyalty. Nor does his “friend”.

Runningoutofthyme · 28/01/2025 14:14

Sounds like he’s fishing for another affair

sugarandfudge · 28/01/2025 14:26

That's disrespectful and rather scummy of him. Practically no-one would be okay with that.

Aaron95 · 28/01/2025 14:32

Most people have had sex before they get married and commit to one person for the rest of their days. I think that expecting people to forget about events that took place in their past is ridiculous.

Whether it is OK to be communicating with an ex depends on you and your partner's moral viewpoints. There is no right or wrong there, that is very much down to the individual views of the couple.

GreenFields07 · 28/01/2025 14:43

Aaron95 · 28/01/2025 14:32

Most people have had sex before they get married and commit to one person for the rest of their days. I think that expecting people to forget about events that took place in their past is ridiculous.

Whether it is OK to be communicating with an ex depends on you and your partner's moral viewpoints. There is no right or wrong there, that is very much down to the individual views of the couple.

Most people keep those memories to themselves and dont go back to their exes chatting about them out of respect for their current partner.
We all have memories of previous sexual encounters, OP isnt asking her partner to completely forget about them, just to have some respect for their relationship. If this is a boundary for OP then she has every right to enforce it.

StupidBitchy · 28/01/2025 14:49

Yeah it's weird. Maybe write a sexually charged letter to your ex boyfriend and leave it somewhere your partner can find it. Then tell him you're allowed to have male friends.

Harry12345 · 28/01/2025 15:11

Very disrespectful and I would end it if it was me

ScottChegg · 28/01/2025 15:26

I don't think he's the one for you OP.

TequilaNights · 28/01/2025 15:32

Yeah bye, I've no time for that bull.

I get remembering something, he has a past after all, but actually telling someone.. thats testing the boundaries and one step closer to crossing a line.

ItGhoul · 28/01/2025 15:51

In another my partner tells her was driving past a particular location and a time they had together in the past came to mind

When you say 'a time they had together' do you mean he was actually reminiscing about the sex itself, or just the fact that they stayed at a particular hotel or something?

If he said 'Oh, I thought of you the other day because I drove past that hotel we stayed in for that weekend away' then this seems fairly normal. If he said 'I drove past that hotel the other day, do you remember how great the sex was that weekend?' that's obviously rather different.

I used to exchange messages with an ex fairly often, but any reminiscing was more along the lines of 'Did you know the pub where I used to serve you drinks behind the bar every Friday has been made into flats now? End of an era' rather than 'The pub where I used to work has been made into flats - remember how once you'd finally plucked up courage to ask me out after my last shift there we went straight back to your place and shagged each other senseless?'

babasaclover · 28/01/2025 15:52

Known several people like this in workplace and actually as I was struggling with infertility and going through ivf I just found it so painful. Spent a few years working with my headphones in to get away from it!!!

People need to read the room, shouldn't think anyone wants to hear about anyone else's kids that much. I'm very mindful now I'm a parent to read the room and only mention kid if people ask

ItGhoul · 28/01/2025 15:54

babasaclover · 28/01/2025 15:52

Known several people like this in workplace and actually as I was struggling with infertility and going through ivf I just found it so painful. Spent a few years working with my headphones in to get away from it!!!

People need to read the room, shouldn't think anyone wants to hear about anyone else's kids that much. I'm very mindful now I'm a parent to read the room and only mention kid if people ask

@babasaclover You're on the wrong thread.

sjs42 · 28/01/2025 15:58

He thinks married people having sex with others is OK. Morals in the bog.

This woman isn't a "friend". I mean, we don't/haven't fuck/ed our friends. She's an ex.

babasaclover · 28/01/2025 16:03

Apologies all no idea how that happened.

MrsFinch1 · 28/01/2025 19:19

I must be in the minority because he obviously thought it was harmless as he has mentioned it to the current partner and I assume allowed her to read the messages.

If there was a load of deleted messages or they were talking everyday that would be another thing but I wouldn't be too bothered by this.

MyLimeGuide · 28/01/2025 19:24

TheAzurePoet · 23/01/2025 10:33

Soo...my partner and I were talking about exes the other day. He was interested to know if I still spoke to mine on messanger. I don't. He mentioned there was a woman he still had a messanger chat with...this is a woman he actually had a fling with whilst she was married about 6 years ago. Not cool in itself , but well before I knew him. I was a little perplexed he still chatted to her but he assured me they were friends first then had brief fling and they have just remained friends ever since. Half a dozen chats per year just keeping up with each others lives etc. Soo I read the last couple of messangers. While largely just chit chat there was one where she tells him how bad she felt for her infidelity all those years ago but that she had had such a big crush on him ( my partner) and no regrets. In another my partner tells her was driving past a particular location and a time they had together in the past came to mind.. I was livid. He says I'm out of line and overreacting. That I shouldn't try to control who he's friends with. I actually have no problem with him having female friends. I'm generally pretty secure in relationships. I do however have a problem with the tone and context of their chat though and it's made me lose trust. AIBU?

He sounds like a bad egg, sorry OP you can do better, him saying your out of line and shouldn't control who you are friends with is outright gaslighting, it will only get worse unfortunately.

JLou08 · 28/01/2025 19:24

Reminiscing with an ex is definitely crossing a line for me. General chit chat fine but any more than that is disrespectful.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 28/01/2025 19:33

It used to say on fireworks,
'Light blue touch paper and retire.'

He lit it, you should retire.

JollyZebra · 28/01/2025 20:28

Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says about this. You are clearly unhappy with his behaviour and that feeling is unlikely to change. You either accept the anxiety that comes with not being able to trust him or you end the relationship.

MsDogLady · 28/01/2025 21:37

… but that she had had such a big crush on him (my partner) and no regrets.

In another my partner tells her was driving past a particular location and a time they had together in the past came to mind.

Well I too would be livid, @TheAzurePoet. Those comments are not just neutral chat like ‘how is your job going’. They are charged with a sexual energy. She references her huge crush and lack of regret for their affair. He brings up a particular sexual encounter they shared, which is highly disrespectful to you.

There’s been a shift in their tone and dynamic. They’ve crossed a line by sparking their chat, and his defensive, blame-shifting response to your discomfort speaks volumes.

Monogamy is clearly not a highly rated value for either of them, and now they’re investing in chat about their sexual adventure. @TheAzurePoet, there is no way that I’d be staying with this guy.