Struggling with second pregnancy and husband working away

[Mamadrinkscoffee]

Advice needed. Aibu, I suspect I might be due to hormones...

Husband is predominantly working from home but has to travel into the office every other week. It's always an overnight trip as the office is not near the city we live in.

I'm currently pregnant with baby no 2 and have been struggling with nausea and tiredness. We don't have any family around us. Our first born goes to nursery 3 days a week (during my working days) and has 2 days with me. Husband works full time.

I find the the days and nights alone with toddler really challenging at the moment. I've asked if he could cut down his work trip frequency to essential only (training, important meetings etc.) and avoid going in just to 'show his face'.

He told me that I'm being unreasonable as that's his job and it's in his contract that he has to go every other week.

On the one hand I understand and maybe I'm asking too much as he is the main financial provider. On the other hand, I feel like most of the trips are not essential to do his job and he could have a conversation with his manager about it.

Should I drop this and suck it up like I suspect many women do when their partners work away?

Just to add, he's really helpful when he is around and definitely does his fare share of parenting and household chores.

Some pregnancies are harder than others. Just because one woman with one pregnancy could handle this with ease doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be struggling.

is there any possibility of adding a nursery day when he is traveling?

One night away a fortnight might be hard to cut down on from a work perspective - that's already really quite low! If his overnight trips end up on the days you're not working then I'd perhaps think there's even less reason for him to be stopping travelling.

I'd focus on what support you can put in place for yourself when he's away for that one night. Meal prepped food to take away any cooking stress? An extra day in nursery?

A combination of extra nursery days and possibly DH just getting up early to go sometimes if possible might help. Time might also help once you’re past a certain point in the pregnancy. Could your DH skip one of his days this month with an agreement to do an extra one next month when you might be feeling better?

If it's only one night a fortnight, and he's at home the rest of the time, that's pretty lucky I'd think! If it's in his contract that he has to go, then that is essential really? Unless you are really, really unwell and unable to safely care for your child id say just do what you can to get through even if that's easy meals and a bit of tv. I did have days where I just couldn't stop vomiting all day, and my husband would have to stay home to care for the other children so if it's really bad could he take leave?

I really feel for you, but I think you should try to make it work. Lots of companies are calling people back to the office, lots of others are going through redundancies, showing your face (especially if it’s just once every fortnight) feels pretty important right now.

i am in a similar position to you, and we’ve taken steps to try and make it easier for me while my husband is away, eg extra dog walks from a dogwalker, a lot of meal prepping, a babysitter every so often, not feeling guilty about my toddler watching a bit more tv than usual…

YABU.

Your husband’s contract says he has to be in the office a certain number of days per month, whether you feel they are not for “essential purposes” is utterly irrelevant- he has to honour what is in the contract. The fact this requires your husband to stay overnight because of where you chose to live is not your DH’s employers concern. Frankly, you being pregnant does not alter his obligations at work or the work his employer requires him to do/where they require him to do it.

I think starting to absent himself for such a flimsy reason is not likely to be a good career move. Presumably you require his income to support your family? If so, I think you prioritise it. If you really can’t cope with the status quo, then I would suggest your first line is that you need to pay for extra support (more nursery hours/childminder, for instance). Or move closer to his work location, or to family for more support, if that would be an option (though I realise you may not want this/may not be possible). Or your husband needs to consider a job elsewhere, where he has a shorter commute or works exclusively from home.

Obviously, if you were severely unwell or in hospital etc, and he needed to look after his child/you he could take carers leave (or similar) to support his family. This does not appear to be the case, so I think you need to get on with it. I know nausea/fatigue is not fun, but unless you have HG, it’s something that will pass for most women and you just need to be a bit more resilient. It might be worthwhile seeing your GP re anti-emetics for the nausea.

Thanks everyone, all good advice above. I will try to make it work and if it gets really bad look for paid support/ additional nursery days.