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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a fair way to split finances?

651 replies

BittySpider · 22/01/2025 16:02

It’s my Son and his partner so I know it’s realistically none of my business but had an convo with him today and wondering if I am being unfair thinking this is unreasonable?

My Son and his partner are getting married in the summer. The live together. The topic of finances came up today as we were discussing the wedding and we have offered them a few K towards it.

He told me that the way they have always split their finances is that they have a joint account both wages are paid into. All direct debits for bills come out of that account including house, bills, subscriptions etc. Food shop money also comes out of that. Then they both transfer themselves the exact same amount from the joint account on pay day and this is to cover all personal expensive such as their phones, petrol, coffees, clothes etc. He said they don’t take from the joint unless absolutely necesssary and if one of them runs out they might say to the other can I borrow a tenner and then on payday they will give it the other person back out of their personal allowance.

I asked about takeaways or date nights and he said one person will usually cover it out of their “pocket money” but they don’t take it out of the joint unless it was a special treat like an anniversary. All holidays and other joint costs come out of the joint but as they’re getting married all of wedding costs are being paid from the money building up in the joint account. He said if one of them had their car break down then they’d take money out of the joint to fix it too. He also said they both have their own personal savings accounts too but these are currently neglected due to paying for wedding.

FWIW my DIL earns much more than him. DS doesn’t earn much more than minimum wage. I know it’s none of my business so I won’t say anything but AIBU to think this is a bit tight? Personally I think bills should be split proportionately to what they earn. The amount that they take out each for pocket money isn’t a lot and he’d have a lot more left over if they split it differently.

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 22/01/2025 16:46

@BittySpider this is by far the best way to run the finances. more or less a family pot! it is the way me and my dh have done it for over 40 years and my parents before as well as his parents! this 40/60 or 30/70 is rubbish.

Rictasmorticia · 22/01/2025 16:46

Keeping quiet about this is not ‘old-fashioned’ it is common decency. I think you are trying to Interfere, albeit only mentally, in something’s that is no concern of yours. I expected your son knows you disapprove of this arrangement by your tone. You are in danger of blaming the GF for earning more.

PennyApril54 · 22/01/2025 16:46

BittySpider · 22/01/2025 16:12

But if it was the other way around and the male was the higher earner then I think his low earning partner would expect him to transfer a lump sum of money to her every pay day?

Show quote history

But why?

coffeeandteav · 22/01/2025 16:46

BittySpider · 22/01/2025 16:09

I also feel like it’s degrading to have to ask your partner to borrow money if you run out of your “pocket money”! Don’t even get me started on the fact they call it pocket money?

How much do they get?

Someone called it spends the other day on here and another pp said it was cringy.

Mumsnet prefers discretionary income.

I actually think its the fairest way unless they only have 50 pcm pocket money.

Inspiremeaholiday · 22/01/2025 16:47

OP from a place of kindness, I appreciate that you dont like her, but the math dictates he is doing well out of the set up. If anything going proportional for bills means she will have MORE disposable income- you realise that right? It's impossible to know with certainty as we don't have their figures.

What I would be chatting to my son about if aspirations to getting further pay increase, or realistically having a conversation about the impacts of being the lower earner when it comes to caring responsibilities. If the lower income earner job is deprioritised, the impact this will have on his career prospects.

ILoveMyCaravan · 22/01/2025 16:48

I'd be a bit pissed if I was the DIL's mother!! You've seriously got nothing to worry about, he is significantly better off with this arrangement.

How about being grateful that your DIL is a fair and honest person to have this arrangement with your son. It's her that is losing out if anyone is, she gets the same amount for spending money as your minimum wage son!!

Ponderingwindow · 22/01/2025 16:52

If a couple keeps separate finances, the higher earner would only transfer the lower earner a lump sum if the lower earner was taking care of the children. Your son doesn’t have lower wages because of his responsibilities to children. He just has low wages.

if he becomes a sahd, their current system will continue to work. There will be a joint account and they will both get the same discretionary spending amount. He will just pay less into the joint fund. Child related expenses will come from the joint fund or a 2nd child related fund.

CatsndtheBear · 22/01/2025 16:52

I don't think you are quite comprehending the set up.

They both have the SAME amount of "pocket money".
They are BOTH benefitting from the joint account increasing in savings.

She is not having any more fun money or savings than him. Their set up is extremely fair and DOES actually impact her negatively as she IS covering more of the bills.
By her wages going into the joint account, she is contributing a higher amount to the bills and savings than he is.
He is benefitting from her higher amount going into the joint account.

Their set up means they are aware of every pound spent. They are not being frivolous, they are spending within their set budget that is equal for both of them.

Clarabell77 · 22/01/2025 16:53

If they’re both putting their whole wage into the joint account but both spending the same on bills and personal stuff, then leaving the rest as savings for their wedding/car repairs/whatever - how is that not fair? She’s putting in more and he’s getting the same as her back.

Rosscameasdoody · 22/01/2025 16:53

BittySpider · 22/01/2025 16:12

But if it was the other way around and the male was the higher earner then I think his low earning partner would expect him to transfer a lump sum of money to her every pay day?

Show quote history

Which is utterly irrelevant. He’s getting a good deal and they’re on top of their finances. I’d take a step back.

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/01/2025 16:53

Maybe they can take takeaways and meals from joint

zoemum2006 · 22/01/2025 16:53

Why is your son only just earning over minimum wage?

Men earn more money than women in general because their work is valued more highly.

Once a man is married he is rewarded with even more money and often a woman gets even less.

If I were you DIL I'd want to have a very serious conversation about how much he'll pull his weight once they have kids or else she'll be burdened with everything (earning the lions share of the money and doing all the mental loads).

HappyWhenItsSnowing · 22/01/2025 16:54

Your son is getting the better deal though

Its none of your business anyway !!!!

VelvetThrows · 22/01/2025 16:55

DH and I are old-fashioned... one account, all in, we're pretty conservative with spending but it's pretty much a spend-what-you-like situation. We're not rich by Mumsnet standards. When I was on maternity leave he did earn more than me, but on the whole I out-earn him by about 4:1. I commute a lot and work away, I do long hours and work in the evenings and my job is mentally demanding and stressful.

But... and I wonder OP if you can get your head around this...

He has pretty much done all of the school runs, doctors appointments, DC activities over the years. He's self employed on a p/t basis so that we can fit everything in without much external help.

We see our input to the family as equal... we're a team.

tachetastic · 22/01/2025 16:56

BittySpider · 22/01/2025 16:02

It’s my Son and his partner so I know it’s realistically none of my business but had an convo with him today and wondering if I am being unfair thinking this is unreasonable?

My Son and his partner are getting married in the summer. The live together. The topic of finances came up today as we were discussing the wedding and we have offered them a few K towards it.

He told me that the way they have always split their finances is that they have a joint account both wages are paid into. All direct debits for bills come out of that account including house, bills, subscriptions etc. Food shop money also comes out of that. Then they both transfer themselves the exact same amount from the joint account on pay day and this is to cover all personal expensive such as their phones, petrol, coffees, clothes etc. He said they don’t take from the joint unless absolutely necesssary and if one of them runs out they might say to the other can I borrow a tenner and then on payday they will give it the other person back out of their personal allowance.

I asked about takeaways or date nights and he said one person will usually cover it out of their “pocket money” but they don’t take it out of the joint unless it was a special treat like an anniversary. All holidays and other joint costs come out of the joint but as they’re getting married all of wedding costs are being paid from the money building up in the joint account. He said if one of them had their car break down then they’d take money out of the joint to fix it too. He also said they both have their own personal savings accounts too but these are currently neglected due to paying for wedding.

FWIW my DIL earns much more than him. DS doesn’t earn much more than minimum wage. I know it’s none of my business so I won’t say anything but AIBU to think this is a bit tight? Personally I think bills should be split proportionately to what they earn. The amount that they take out each for pocket money isn’t a lot and he’d have a lot more left over if they split it differently.

What a jolly sensible son you have raised and it sounds like he and his GF have a really grown-up and balanced relationship.

Once there are kids involved, if your DS gives up work or in fact ever takes on a role in the family where he is sacrificing his own career for the sake of his then wife's career, that is the time when she should contribute more to the family pot. Until then, why should she pay more just because she got a better job or works more hours. That would make no sense at all.

You talk about keeping child credit and your DH supporting you, but did you ever have a period where you gave up work or worked part-time for a while to raise your children? That's why it was the right thing for him to do.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 22/01/2025 16:56

@BittySpider maths is not really your strong point, is it????

Treeinthesky · 22/01/2025 16:56

Don't really understand this or why your complaining.

So guess numbers here
Dil earns 5k per month
Your son earn 2k

7k into joint to cover 4k worth of bills let's say and 1k shopping again all fiction. Do 5k

2k left

1k transfered to each person and then they have to manage their own money and any emergencies they borrow from joint and pay back.

What's the issue?
I always earnt more than ex husband and paid more. He never would give me anything extra even though I covered all bills and then I ended up skint and using a visa to manage yet I earnt more and because of this I was penalised and left with sod all yet he had more money left. They sound like they are doing this fine

Morecoffeeforme · 22/01/2025 16:57

Bloody hell!

If this was my daughter I’d want to tell her not to hitch her wagon to a loser on minimum wage.

Shell presumably have to keep working full time if they have kids as he certainly won’t be able to afford for her to take a full mat leave etc.

You should be very pleased your son has got himself such a lovely and generous fiancée

crumblingschools · 22/01/2025 16:57

Maybe they need to look at what comes out of the bills account, but he is onto a good thing here, she is covering much more of the bills. Maybe he needs to up his earnings if he wants to have more takeaways etc

Onlycoffee · 22/01/2025 16:58

BittySpider · 22/01/2025 16:22

You are all saying he’s better off but he isn’t! The money he gets to keep is far smaller than what he would keep if they paid % towards bills and kept their own money after that. I don’t understand why things like joint meals and takeaways have to be paid by themselves when she’s the higher earner and all of her money is in the joint. It seems madness to me.

I know I am old fashioned hence why I won’t say anything. When the kids were younger I kept child benefit and DH transferred me a lump of money on pay day and he paid for the rest. I know the world has changed since then. It still seems a bit off to me. But I am happy if he is happy.

But your son can't afford to transfer your Dil a lump sum?
Or do you want her to transfer him a lump sum? What she's doing is even more fair than what your DH did. She's putting ALL her money in the joint account.

If they paid a proportionally for bills and kept their own money in guessing they wouldn't have enough savings to pay for the wedding , house, holidays etc so that wouldn't work.

Dil is actually sacrificing her own higher income for your son.

BellissimoGecko · 22/01/2025 16:59

BittySpider · 22/01/2025 16:09

I also feel like it’s degrading to have to ask your partner to borrow money if you run out of your “pocket money”! Don’t even get me started on the fact they call it pocket money?

But they both have to ask?

If it works for them, what's your beef?

Your son is doing better out of it than your DIL.

coffeeandteav · 22/01/2025 16:59

BittySpider · 22/01/2025 16:22

You are all saying he’s better off but he isn’t! The money he gets to keep is far smaller than what he would keep if they paid % towards bills and kept their own money after that. I don’t understand why things like joint meals and takeaways have to be paid by themselves when she’s the higher earner and all of her money is in the joint. It seems madness to me.

I know I am old fashioned hence why I won’t say anything. When the kids were younger I kept child benefit and DH transferred me a lump of money on pay day and he paid for the rest. I know the world has changed since then. It still seems a bit off to me. But I am happy if he is happy.

How old are you? My parents are 75 and always shared money. My mum didn't work since age 30. Its their money nobody need stop transfer to anyone.

Seems strange to me that some people don't know their council tax or gas bill.

TeamMandrake · 22/01/2025 17:00

Let's take a stab. Say currently he earns £2k per month, she earns £3k and they keep £500 each pocket money, so the "bills" are £4k. If they were fairly paying this proportionally, he would pay £1600 to bills (2/5), and have £400 left. She would pay (3/5) so have £600 left. The exact numbers are irrelevant - however you tweak it, he is doing well.

SlatternIsMyMiddleName · 22/01/2025 17:01

I am really no maths genius but even I can see that son is getting a better deal out of this arrangement. I too thought poor DIL upon first reading.

GreenYellowBrown · 22/01/2025 17:01

I think they’re doing it perfectly and are working as a team. This is exactly how DH and I operate, except the part about ‘lending’ each other money if we run short. We also budget £xx into our food account for date nights so that neither of us has to cover it and it doesn’t have to come out of personal spends. We take out £250 a month each for ‘fun money’ and that’s to cover things like hair cuts/clothes/coffee with a friend.

I don’t get the MN obsession with putting in a percentage of what you earn and calculating things to the penny. It makes you sound like flatmates and makes me cringe a bit.