Is this a fair way to split finances?

[BittySpider]

It’s my Son and his partner so I know it’s realistically none of my business but had an convo with him today and wondering if I am being unfair thinking this is unreasonable?

My Son and his partner are getting married in the summer. The live together. The topic of finances came up today as we were discussing the wedding and we have offered them a few K towards it.

He told me that the way they have always split their finances is that they have a joint account both wages are paid into. All direct debits for bills come out of that account including house, bills, subscriptions etc. Food shop money also comes out of that. Then they both transfer themselves the exact same amount from the joint account on pay day and this is to cover all personal expensive such as their phones, petrol, coffees, clothes etc. He said they don’t take from the joint unless absolutely necesssary and if one of them runs out they might say to the other can I borrow a tenner and then on payday they will give it the other person back out of their personal allowance.

I asked about takeaways or date nights and he said one person will usually cover it out of their “pocket money” but they don’t take it out of the joint unless it was a special treat like an anniversary. All holidays and other joint costs come out of the joint but as they’re getting married all of wedding costs are being paid from the money building up in the joint account. He said if one of them had their car break down then they’d take money out of the joint to fix it too. He also said they both have their own personal savings accounts too but these are currently neglected due to paying for wedding.

FWIW my DIL earns much more than him. DS doesn’t earn much more than minimum wage. I know it’s none of my business so I won’t say anything but AIBU to think this is a bit tight? Personally I think bills should be split proportionately to what they earn. The amount that they take out each for pocket money isn’t a lot and he’d have a lot more left over if they split it differently.

“ no protection for lower earner”
🙄 the law on divorce comes into play. “Fair settlement “ based on FUTURE needs.

So, if they were to divorce they’d first BOTH have to do a full legal financial disclosure - income, property, savings, investments, Chattels, pensions etc etc. ALL assets in their individual or joint names.

After that they then have to agree a financial settlement and he court has to seal it. The law in “fair settlement” is designed by lawmakers to give precisely that protection. It is based purely on future needs . Courts can’t seal unless the criteria in fair settlement are met.

I have no idea where you come up with such a bizarre notion he’ll have no protection. He’d have no protection if they DIDNT marry fgs.

he would actually, right now, probably take more out of a marriage than he put in …read up fair settlement and future needs if you’re concerned and not jump to ridiculously inaccurate conclusions

id back out now before making an even bigger idiot of yourself based on your ignorance of maths and law and purely based upon on your raw emotional response to having to adapt to a massive change of him being about to tie himself legally and financially to someone else, outside of your old “family” unit. He’s all grown up . And seems he is making very sensible grown up decisions along with his fiance re their future wealth management . I suggest You change too, you have no rights now over your son..you will no longer be next of kin for instance. and you’re massively overstepping boundaries. If they wanted to discuss how best they to manage their financial affairs with you they’d have asked you for your thoughts on your experience along with others before deciding on how to manage. Maybe they did ask others, just not you, knowing how irrational you are about individual control

But she is covering more of the bills. Their wages get paid into the same account and they each transfer the same amount for personal spending.

OP are you just bothered because you think that your son should be the higher earner, and that he should dole out "housekeeping" money to his wife?

Yes that sounds perfectly fair and the correct way to do to it. Very sensible

I swear this thread is rage bait there’s no way anybody really thinks this.

Is this a reverse?

but they've got the same amount of 'pocket money', and the rest of the money is in their joint account, so she is covering more of the bills!

If you scale this down, if person A earns £1000 and person B earns £500.
Join account gets £1300 - covers bills and savings.
A gets £100
B gets £100
In essence, A has kept 10% of their earnings, but B has kept 20%. The bills are covered, and they've both put money into joint savings.

If they were splitting the expenses 50-50, it'd probably not be ideal for you son, as he'd probably be spending most of his earnings and would have little left over, and your DIL would have plenty of left over money.

This set up is probably the ideal for a couple if they're planning to have children soon, as logically children's expenses, house stuff etc then come out of the joint account, but both parents still have a similar amount of 'pocket money' to spend as they wish.

Brilliant. I needed a new thread to take over from period pod.

OP clearly doesn’t like future DIL otherwise she wouldn’t even ask this.

Great her son is going to college to better himself and hopefully one day will be the higher earner, when like she says, her DIL can be a SAHM. You know full well, she will be on here complaining that her son is having to pay all the bills by himself while his wife sits at home.

I was thinking that too 🤪🤣🤣🤣
nice algebra though …do like a bit of algebra 🤷🏼‍♀️

I love how you're not being nosey or questioning their personal business but know down to the takeaway detail how their money is split! I'd say he's raging he didn't just say "yeah pay it into my account thanks" cos he's now living with someone who is giving out about how nosey you are! I'd tell my mam where to go if she tried to delve into how I work my finances with my partner.

Also - you have said you don’t actually even know how much she makes so you’re making huge assumptions all round - how they should divide their money, how much their spending pot should be, how fair the division is - even though you don’t know the facts of her earnings?

DH and I married young and went straight in to having kids. So we always just had a joint account for everything. What was mine was his and vice Versa. We just spent similar amounts from what was left each. Sometimes it was barely anything. DH has been the higher earner and then I have. We’ve supported each other through maternity leaves, redundancies, self employment, retraining etc and that balance has changed over 20 years. It sounds like your son and dil are doing the same thing. Fairly sure they is an old-fashioned view to finances and marriage!

OP are you not concerned your son will relay your conversation back to his fiance? They seem a secure, tight couple & if they think you are meddling in any way they could close rank & keep you at arms length.

Of course it’s fine to have your own opinions on the matter but please keep it to yourself unless he explicitly asks.

@BittySpider yoyre talking like the joint account money isn’t your ds’s too. It is. So if the joint account is increasing because you think they’re giving themselves too little spending money then great, he has more money in the bank.
I cannot imagine any world in which it would be fairer for the higher earning to have LESS personal spending money than the lower. That’s crazy!

If you’re old fashioned….therefore your son should be earning more… so it isn’t old fashioned. What happens when why have children and he is the sole earner ? Will he transfer her more money because she’s on maternity?

So basically you thinkg they should be doing it in a completely different way. Their philosophy is clearly different to yours and sounds fair to me.

You make it sound as if your son was putting more money in and getting less out then his fiance.

Probably best if you don't contribute to the wedding, go no contact, stop poking your nose in and meddling.

What if they were to break up? Then there’s no protection as the lower earner.

IT'S A JOINT ACCOUNT!!!

If they split up half of it belongs to him! (Technically at any point either of them could withdraw all of it, but let's not go there. I'll assume they would treat each other fairly.)

Despite her higher wage she is literally keeping exactly the same amount for herself as he has for himself, and everything else is going into a joint pot THAT HE HAS EQUAL OWNERSHIP OF!!

He is doing massively well out of this deal.

The system is exactly how DH & I have managed our money for 35 years. All income is pooled, we have a joint account and also various joint savings accounts. We have some separate savings accounts but only because those are with financial institutions that don’t allow joint accounts. All income and savings belong (in our minds) to both of us, apart from one small “fun & treats” account each.

When we started, DH earned more than me, then I took a break when we had the DC and we carried on the system. Later on I went back to work, he lost his job and became disabled so had to retire, so I earned more than him, and still we continued with our system.

We are now pensioners and - guess what?

Yes, we still pool all of our money and pay ourselves the same amount of “pocket money” every month. We feel that this is fair and it seems as if OP’s DS and his partner agree!

They both take the same amount out. So if you think he has very little, so does she!! And she earns more so he’s benefitting from her income. I think she’s being very fair actually.
also both of them have to ask to borrow, it’s as fair as you get
they have worked it out themselves and are happy with it.

I wonder if op doesn't understand the concept of a joint account, and thinks that the joint account is her ( the higher earner account).

I'm at a loss to understand how OP still can't work out that if DIL is the higher earner and they have the same spending money then she is already making a much larger contribution to living expenses and the cost of the wedding.

So many posters have drawn up examples and the penny still hasn't dropped. It's impossible to know how else to explain it.

The OP seems to expect her son to be a "kept man" and anything less is financial abuse.

If he puts say 25 in the and she puts in 75 and they both take out the spending money then she IS paying more than him. How can you not see that

I do feel very sorry for the DIL marrying into this family 🤣🤣🤣

I don’t think the OP actually understands hence why she’s getting protective over her son…,, but really if that was my daughter I would be annoyed she was funding him before marriage!!!

Mothers and their sons. 🙄