Is this a fair way to split finances?

[BittySpider]

It’s my Son and his partner so I know it’s realistically none of my business but had an convo with him today and wondering if I am being unfair thinking this is unreasonable?

My Son and his partner are getting married in the summer. The live together. The topic of finances came up today as we were discussing the wedding and we have offered them a few K towards it.

He told me that the way they have always split their finances is that they have a joint account both wages are paid into. All direct debits for bills come out of that account including house, bills, subscriptions etc. Food shop money also comes out of that. Then they both transfer themselves the exact same amount from the joint account on pay day and this is to cover all personal expensive such as their phones, petrol, coffees, clothes etc. He said they don’t take from the joint unless absolutely necesssary and if one of them runs out they might say to the other can I borrow a tenner and then on payday they will give it the other person back out of their personal allowance.

I asked about takeaways or date nights and he said one person will usually cover it out of their “pocket money” but they don’t take it out of the joint unless it was a special treat like an anniversary. All holidays and other joint costs come out of the joint but as they’re getting married all of wedding costs are being paid from the money building up in the joint account. He said if one of them had their car break down then they’d take money out of the joint to fix it too. He also said they both have their own personal savings accounts too but these are currently neglected due to paying for wedding.

FWIW my DIL earns much more than him. DS doesn’t earn much more than minimum wage. I know it’s none of my business so I won’t say anything but AIBU to think this is a bit tight? Personally I think bills should be split proportionately to what they earn. The amount that they take out each for pocket money isn’t a lot and he’d have a lot more left over if they split it differently.

I agree. Her maths are way out. He is much, much better off because he has the advantage of the joint account which pays all bills and will pay for those extra nice things they may want, as also expensive hols and repairs etc.
And OP's arrangement with her DH was not something I accepted when I was a stay at home mother. We had a joint account and I had full access to it, set up all the bill payments etc and spent as I wished/needed. There would have been one hell of a row had ex suggested he give me money for food/clothes and used his account - to which I had no access - for everything else (though I knew at least one couple who did this; I thought it most odd).
As you say, it's a partnership.

Try thinking of it in this hypothetical maths situation.

imagine your DIL takes home £2500 per month, and your son takes home £1500 per month.
Total going into account = £4000.
Pretend that expenses come to £2500 per month, and they leave £500 in there to build up as savings (total £3000). This leaves £1000.
They take equal amounts into their personal accounts. An equal split of £1000 is £500.

So of the £2500 your DIL earns, she gets to spend £500 on herself. This is 20%.
Of the £1500 your son earns, he gets to keep £500. This is 33% (approx).

Your son is therefore getting more money than her for less input.

I agree it is unfair…on your DIL.

Then they both transfer themselves the exact same amount from the joint account on pay day

This is really fair and really good of his partner to do the lion's share of contributing to the shared savings rather than just keeping her money to herself.

If your son feels the amount each isn't enough to meet their daily needs thats a conversation for them to have as a couple, i assume they're watching pennies to save for the wedding which is quite normal.

THEY HAVE THE SAME FUN MONEY.

Therefore she is paying in more and covering more of the bills.

You are bad at maths.

The way for him to have more fun money is for them to have lower bills

Her maths are not up to that, I think. She is not thinking in per centages but cash. I don't know why she thinks her DS should have more cash?

This is ludicrous. If they are both taking the same amount out for 'pocket money', then of course she is covering a greater proportion of the bills. If everything was done in proportion, then as the higher earner she'd have more pocket money. What you are saying makes no sense and isn't your business anyway. Can only presume you're on the wind up and/or failed your Maths GCSE.

@BittySpider this thread didn’t go the way you wanted it to, has it?

You can always give your son some pocket money if you think he’s being hard done by? Couldn’t you?

But they are both benefitting from her money as it goes in to the joint account!

Your maths isn’t very good OP 😂

The money he gets to keep is far smaller than what he would keep if they paid % towards bills and kept their own money after that. I don’t understand why things like joint meals and takeaways have to be paid by themselves when she’s the higher earner and all of her money is in the joint. It seems madness to me.

But all that would do is mean their SHARED savings would be lower. Your Ds isn't getting a raw deal, you basically just want him to have more money to piss up the wall on takeaway instead of saving it.... sort of like a weird opposite of what most parents want for their kids.

Not necessarily

Going by your logic @BittySpider if your son and partner buy a house together, the repayments should be split according to income? Then, the home ownership should also be split according to what each person pays , so 70% to your sons partner and 30% to your son , that way he gets to keep more of his disposable money.

You are completely unreasonable. Why doesn’t your son earn more money and cover 100 % of the bills if you are old fashioned ?

You are not old fashioned. Old fashioned is the man being the provider. Yet you want your daughter in law to pay your son for his existence in the relationship.

So you think that your DIL should transfer a lump of money to your son on pay day and then she should pay for everything like your DH did? So your son has his wages and this lump sum to spend? You actually think that he shouldn't pay for anything? That's insane!

It's not old fashioned, it's ridiculous and greedy.

You’ll be a great mother in law 😳

this little boy on min wage has hit the jackpot. If he divorces her, will take so much of what he has never put in there. Why any mil in her right mind would be so blind

you clearly don’t see your DIL as family and that’s pretty sad! They split everything fairly, I’d be suggesting your DS looks at improving his skills and aiming himself for a better career!

He is better off, as some posters have pointed out. Your DiL is not only sensible and understands that marriage is a partnership, but also generous.
And I would NEVER have accepted the arrangement financially you had with your DH. Joint account, all money in it, access to both, whoever was earning the money. I made this arrangement when I married and continued it through ten years at home with my two children (it was my salary which had paid for deposit on the house we bought, etc. but this did not bother me, either). At no point did I ever think of his/mine as to money, it was ours and I had an equal right to it as the person running the home. I kept the Family Allowance, as that was mine for the DC, of course (it amounts to a tax rebate paid to the mother from the father's income to ensure the DC at least get fed and basically clothed).

I wonder if she is married to this dude? Poor woman.

YABU

I think your son needs to get a better job.

You don't need GCSE maths to work out her son is better off, though. I can see it and work it out and I do not have a maths O level (did biology instead). I think she's a little dim?

I think some of you are being a bit harsh. He is currently at college and once qualified will of course bring in more money. Hopefully this times correctly with them having children and her going on maternity leave.

I have NOT been prising about their finances! Nor has he been coming asking for money! As I said in my initial post we are offering them some money towards the wedding as all of their final invoices are due soon. I said should I transfer it to him and he said no the joint account and gave me the details. I queried what the joint is for and if this would end up getting spent on bills and not the wedding. That’s when he explained everything and said that all bills come out of joint and other than that it’s savings for the wedding.

I am not nosey or interfering at all. I obviously haven’t mentioned any of this to him! I am taking your points on board and will keep my nose out. Thank you all.

I'm a SAHM and that's how we do finances. DM is appalled that the earnings from the seasonal work I do goes into the main pot aswell and that I don't see anything from it.

He’s onto a good thing and benefits massively.

Hes benefiting from this while ur dil is not.