To be annoyed over this?

[Psychomama]

So bit of back story- I have a just turned 17 year old. Had many, many problems over the last 5 years where I’ve had to call the police on numerous occasions, had children’s services involved a lot and not much support from family over the years. My parents lived in Spain so it wasn’t easy for them to support me then.
Rewind to last year when I had to call the police yet again as my DD was making threats to kill (again). She was 16 at the time. My parents had moved back from Spain at this point so they said she could go stay there (they made comments while they were living in Spain that she could live with them when they came back but soon backtracked on that). Then they started pressuring me on when she could come home (honestly at this point I didn’t want her back home at all). Saying it was going to affect them financially if she stayed any longer (she was there less than a week).

Now for the part of AIBU.
Basically my sisters child stays there A LOT. Every time I call in she’s there. If I speak to my mum on the phone, shes there. She goes over after school and then just stays there. Multiple times a week. My mum makes comments about her taking food up to bed and eating a lot. I’m just wondering how she doesn’t affect them financially but my daughter would? It actually really, really annoys me and even though it’s been a couple of months, I can feel myself getting more and more angry about it. I’m starting to resent my whole family atm. Like I’ve been on my own for the past 5/6 years. I suffer with my mental health really badly- to the point I was sectioned a few years ago. And now I’m just winding myself up wondering why my child is so different to my sisters child.

AIBU to let this bother me so much? Would I be unreasonable to have it out with my parents or just leave it alone and not rely on them for anything in the future?

Who is your daughter threatening to kill? That is very concerning and should not be ignored.

I think it’s not necessarily fair to compare your parents caring for their other grandchild and caring for your daughter when your daughter has made threats to kill and is obviously really struggling. She is clearly too much for your parents to handle.

I’m really sorry you’re in this position and struggling. Have you spoken to social services recently about whether there is any support they can offer?

Isn't it obvious? You've said yourself that your daughter is very difficult and police have been involved. Perhaps your parents just can't cope with this and don't want that level of responsibility. I expect your sister's daughter is easier and more pleasant to be around. The financial thing is just an excuse - it's really that your daughter requires too much from them.

It was my partner. He overheard her asking me for money and he told me to tell her no. Then she absolutely lost her mind and started screaming that she was going to kill him. I called the police and they came and spoke to her then after they left with her, I went into her room and she had a knife hidden behind her drawers. The police told me she didn’t have a knife but obviously didn’t check just took her word for it.
I called social services myself to ask for support- they just signed us off yesterday with no support whatsoever over the past few months.

I can understand that you're at the end of your tether here... But why on earth would you have it out with your parents about not being able to fob your Dd off on them? You can't handle her either.

I think this is a tactful way of saying they can't cope / don't want your daughter staying with them. You have said yourself that your daughter is very difficult.

Yes I get that but she’s not like that when she’s with my parents. She has no respect for me whatsoever. She’s not allowed to see her dad so it’s literally just me on my own dealing with her.
We were signed off from social services yesterday with no support whatsoever. They just gave me some leaflets about child to parent abuse

Maybe they find your sisters child easier to cope with?

It's unfair but it's understandable on a certain level. Your DD seems to have very severe issues and your parents aren't able to cope with this?

If she's hiding knives in her bedroom then you should be concerned about everyone who lives in the house with her. I'd be worried sick, personally.

Was there anything that triggered the start of all of this 5yrs ago?

You have a 17 year old threatening knife violence and you think it’s appropriate to have her stay with your parents??

You’ve lost any sense of perspective. It’s understandable when you’re under such stress, but you cannot ship your violent teen to your elderly parents instead of having her live with you.

If they were asking when she could return in under a week it’s clear they can’t cope with having her. The cost of having her there is the polite veil across “hell no, we can’t possibly deal with her.” Naturally this isn’t the case with their other granddaughter who isn’t presenting with such issues.

I am really sorry you’re so unsupported by social services. Can school intervene or make any referrals for you all?

I hope there is help somewhere; but your parents cannot be it.

Your parents find your challenging DD hard work, whereas your sister's child is probably much easier and more pleasant. That is why they are happy to have her, but not your DD. But the real issue is you need more support to help you cope. Could you go back to social services?

Potentially violent teens don't really belong in elderly people homes imo. It's unfair to put them in a situation where they feel unsafe to get you out of a situation where you feel unsafe. This isn't about the other grandchild at all, it's about your dd and her behaviour.

Why is she not allowed to see her dad?

It doesn't sound helpful for your partner to be interfering.

It sounds like she needs help from you.

Obviously any knife issue is extremely serious.

You honestly think this is a fair comparison of a child who has threatened to kill, had a knife, and having the police called several times? This is not the same at all, unless your neice acts like your DD too.

I have a just turned 17 year old. Had many, many problems over the last 5 years where I’ve had to call the police on numerous occasions, had children’s services involved a lot.

Rewind to last year when I had to call the police yet again as my DD was making threats to kill (again).

And you wonder why your parents don't want to look after her?!

You can't be serious.... She needs professional help, not dumping on her (most likely elderly) grandparents to deal with.

Yes I get that but she’s not like that when she’s with my parents. She has no respect for me whatsoever.

And she would probably be the same with her grandparents once they were the ones in charge of her and setting the rules. Which they know. And which is why they won't have her stay with them.

Maybe they just mean having BOTH of them there all the time is going to effect them financially?

It's pretty obvious why they don't want your dd to stay with them. Having her stay there would also mean they can't have your niece to stay at all, because I'm assuming her parents would not allow her to stay in the same house as your daughter.

And now I’m just winding myself up wondering why my child is so different to my sisters child

I'm guessing your child is different to your sister's child because your child is an almost-adult with a long history of police involvement and making threats to kill, and your sister's child isn't.

Your parents don't owe you support. Why would you expect grandparents just to agree to take in a disturbed teenager?

Why would you send a child threatening to kill and hiding knives to your parents? You had to call the police on her why send her to your parents? She is your responsibility