How to deal with kiss arse colleague

[kissarsecolleague]

I started at the same time as my colleague, a man.

He's really lovely and I actually feel bad about how I describe him in this post.

When we meet with any other teams or people, as we often do- he always has to talk first and last and always has to overly praise everyone for every meeting they've set up.

He's also constantly vying for our managers approval, even over dinner- all he does is big himself up. He just always seems to get there first.

I don't mind that much in a sense, I'm learning-getting used to how things are done and I want the results I bring to speak to themselves. I just worry about other's perception of me, because I'm not as loud and more of a ' learn and then show ' type of person. It doesn't mean I'm not a ' go getter ' and sometimes I do want to ' show off ' a bit to my manager too, but colleague is always there first.

I know it's my own insecurity, but I'm just worried people think I'm rubbish compared to him.

How to deal with this ? I don't want to act the same way he does and start competing for attention. I just do my thing. But I do worry about how I'm perceived, because I'm not as loud. Any advice ?

Its not insecurity and he is not lovely; what he is doing is insincere and its called 'impression control''. Everyone will say ''Aah, Bob, isn't he nice! He's such a nice guy''. Then when he stabs you in the back no one will believe he could be capable of such a thing.

Don't compare yourself to him. He is no the standard for behaviour. When you get a good opportunity say ''I'll keep this short and to the point so as not to extend the meeting unnecessarily''. DO NOT look at Bob when you do this.

Yeah you think he'll turn out to be a back stabber ?

I think everyone thinks he's a nice guy, exactly how you describe. They think he's got a lot of energy and is enthusiastic.

I'm not sure what they think about me.

Would it be weird to ask for feedback from my manager ? I've done that before when I was quite new and my manager at the time really liked it.

That wouldn't be weird, you can also ask them if there's any weak areas you need to focus on (but just stick to asking about your own performance, don't mention him at all.)

Yeah I definitely can't show that I'm insecure about how my colleague is perceived vs how I'm perceived !

Oh I had this exact situation years ago in a new job - I started the same day as a guy in his mid 20s, he was constantly saying how happy he was to be there, how great the boss was, how appreciative he was for the training. He got stuck in with projects, volunteered for everything, spoke in all the meetings, went to all the team building and dinners and nights out. I was the complete opposite, didn’t socialise out of work, I’m not chatty.

You need to remember that you are your own person - it’s not ‘you or him’, you’ve both been hired and are separate people. It’s good to ask your manager for feedback, but not in comparison to him - ask for feedback about your performance so far, ask about what they’d like you to improve on in the next quarter, share what you’re excited to improve on, what your goals are for the year.

Sorry but rarely at work so results speak for themselves; unfortunately you also have to advocate for yourself and your results or they go unnoticed and taken for granted.

He's learned the game...

I would watch my back around someone like this..

I would watch my back and be really careful around him, keep quiet about how you feel about your bosses and colleagues because he will soak it up like a thirsty sponge.Equally don't tell others how you feel about him either.

Some people have a distinct advantage growing up with parents who know the games of corporate bullshit. Conversations over the dinner table from a young age.

Mine were dear but naive souls, who told me just keep your head down, say yes to everything and always do your best, it will be noticed.

I have to laugh about it now, otherwise I'd get angry, and that serves no one, least of all me.

I agree with this actually. Going on and on about himself will eventually get annoying, but in terms of the talking first to other people/teams, he's making sure people will remember him and building his network.

Don't compete with him, but you could always try to learn from him (just ignore the irritating bits!).

Be on hour guard OP - colleagues like this are dangerous

I work with a woman who is totally desperate for head pats and cookies from our managers (to the extent she pastes messages of gratitude from clients into emails and crows in the group chat about receiving literal fucking cupcakes). She is the biggest kiss arse I have ever met, puts her hand up for everything and says yes to any request for volunteers. I said to her recently to stop trying to make the rest of us look like we are not team players by taking every opportunity. Which freaked her out as I think she thinks everyone loves her and nobody has ever criticised her for being too keen before (saccharine sweet goody two shoes teachers pet type personality). The type who is terrified of getting in trouble, unable to think critically and what I would call smooth-brained in that she accepts information at face value, gets very disturbed when I challenge decisions (I’m particularly uncomfortable with falsification of client records and am refusing to do so, she’s already complied with a management request to record safeguarding/risk management conversations with clients that didn’t take place in order to cover their arses - she has “told on me” for not doing the same as she fears getting in trouble with the bosses…) - I fear breaking the law more than I fear the distinctly average middle management of my organisation.

I’ve never met anybody quite as craven before and funnily enough I just asked a couple of friends (ex line managers of mine) if they have any advice how I can be less irritated by her as she’s not going to change. She even talks in a simpering voice - there’s something so inauthentic about her over the top “sweetness”. And people who seek head pats and smoke blown up their arses are always going to annoy me. She’s definitely in a competition with me (in her head) as to which of us is the “best” - the irony is our direct line manager would be hard pressed to give fewer fucks about us, he is the most hands off, trusting and laconic person I’ve ever worked for - but that just seems to make her try even harder to get him to like her and give her cookies… which in turn makes him even less likely to do so - he hates neediness…

If you are recognising it as sucking up, so will everyone else. Don't give it any thought, you keep doing things your way. If you want to highlight your contribution to your manager do it during your own one to one or by email.

With regards to how he is behaving, just let him.

It sounds like he's better than you socially and your jealous of that?

Why would he do anything but put himself in the best possible light in a work scenario?

All you can do is improve yourself, or atleast get over your feelings toward him.

This man is clearly moonlighting in your company, when not working with me! My nemesis is a woman who works part time and sound very much like your colleague! My problem is, our manager is based abroad and admits she doesn't know exactly what we do, we have no KPI's, so no measure of productivity!

I agree with asking for a 1-2-1 about your own strengths weaknesses and not mentioning your colleague. He is just the sort to throw you under a bus to suit himself.

Will people think he is better? Or will they think he is insincere, kissing arse, and so busy telling everyone how good he is that he probably isn't actually that good?

Wven if everyone thinks he is great, some people are better at self promotion but others including you have other skills - i think managers also like people who 'just get on with it',, and everyone likes people who don't fill up endless meetings with unnecessary chat (as long as they still speak up when relevant).

Try not to compare and remember that (genuinely) successful teams have a good balance of different types of people who bring different skills. The one who tells everyone how great they are, aren't necessarily 'best'. Spending time comparing yourself and looking at what a colleague does (unless you're hoping to learn from them and take some pointers about what they're doing well) is a waste of everyone's time, including yours

Eek @Dominicains I hope your company have some sort of whistleblowing procedure, that all sounds awful

I would agree that, if he’s not as good as he likes to make out, he will eventually be unmasked.
I also agree with @DrinkFeckArseBrick that a good team needs different kinds of people.
Another thing is that some of the strongest people say the least!

I am actually very competent socially.

I don't think he's that good tbh.

He just has to point out how good he is, even socially ! It's funny.

So the other day, someone gave our team advice on how to succeed at the company and said it was all around building relationships in the company.

So then a week or so later, he proceeds to tell our manager how he is now speaking to everyone and has these amazing relationships with everyone because he'd been given the advice to do so. He was listing people he speaks to, what he speaks to them about and how they really take him seriously now on work topics, because he put time into the relationships.

I speak to more people, have made more connections naturally and don't need to sit and tell my manager about how much everyone respects me. I just think it's a bit pathetic. It's a no brainer to make relationships where you work. You don't need to list off conversations you've had with people.

Whenever I'm talking to people ( which is a lot ) he always perks up and listens in etc. it's just a bit full on..

It is pathetic but he'll be promoted over you in five seconds flat.

As people have been saying, he knows how to play the game.

If you don't want to play that game, you'll never win.

He's trying to do well at work, what's wrong with that?
He sounds quite insecure frankly, and if he's over-doing it, it will backfire on him.

don't need to sit and tell my manager about how much everyone respects me. I just think it's a bit pathetic. It is! People will notice.

It's one thing to big up your success. It's work, you need to advocate for yourself.
It's another to appear needy and kiss-arse.

depends.

Volunteering for everything, getting seen and getting a lot done, of course that deserve a promotion! Why would you select someone who does less and is less invested and less involved, and gets less results?

Someone like Dwight in the first episodes of the Office? Less so.

I've also volunteered for stuff already actually ( and he hasn't, it was my idea first ). I also play the game... I've been in the corporate world longer than him and have been promoted several times. I do know how to play the game and my approach seems to have worked for me previously ! And I also had a colleague that was like him a few years ago. I just carried on doing what I do. It was fine. It's just been ages since I was confronted with someone like this. I will feel on edge until I feel like I've proven myself at the new company, I think. But what I don't want to do is keep fighting to come up in front of him and keep score of stuff.

It's one thing to big up your success. It's work, you need to advocate for yourself.
It's another to appear needy and kiss-arse.

That's right ! Also, choose your moments. Don't just dump it all at once in front of everyone at dinner. It's not all about you !

Simply saying ' I had a great chat with such and such today about XYz I think it's really going to help me finish project Y. '

Not how he did it.

If you ask for a 121 with your line manager, go in with a list of your achievements to date. Talk about the impact on the firm. Speak about the links you have made and how you see them developing. Identify one or two areas you are keen to develop. Ask if there are courses that would be useful. Then ask your line manager for their input. Make sure the meeting is confidential. Do not mention Billy Big Balls at all.
I'm sure you already do this. I don't want to patronise